Sunday, February 27, 2005

Lost Items

What was lost to me you ask?

It was stolen really.

I used to have music inside.

I lost it when a thief stole the piece of my soul that allowed me to bare myself generously and unhindered to an audience of strangers and friends. Prior to the theft, my opus created the tight-chested quiet weeping for those who know the sighing sounds of joy and pain. I delivered the delicious ache with soaring flight of phrase and nuance beyond little black scratches on parchment.

The sound of my breath
The sound of my heart
The sound of my cunt

My body was one with the faithful wood and chamber. We inhaled and exhaled rhythmically. My arms and thighs embraced the rich chestnut curves, carved from the gentle hands of its maker ... how many decades ago?

Yes, a thief ripped it out of my body. Not for his own use. The fucked-up-ness of it all is that he doesn’t even know he has it. He snatched something else, without regard to the musical soul that was tethered to his plunder.

So one of these days, very soon, I’m going to plant my feet, sit straight and proud, and reclaim the music. I miss the way it feels inside me.

(I started writing this piece 2 1/2 years ago. I guess some things finish themselves when they are ready to be finished.)

Friday, February 25, 2005

HA ! ! !

Happy 2005, Year of Cunnilingus Everybody!
The Love Goddess is feeling satisfyingly celebratory.

A special thanks to Kayten for sending me her special sexy Mojo!

Also, fingers and toes crossed for Average Joe and Cricket. Perhaps Kayten has started a trend.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Vote For My Mom!

My Mom is an absolute HOOT!

I talked to her on the phone the other day. Actually, she talked and I held the phone up to my ear. She’s really, really good at talking. In fact, when Monkey-Man decides to rescue me from a typical 75 minute phone call, we find it most effective if he runs into the room and yells, "HELP ME! THE CAT'S ON FIRE!"

In our recent conversation I got the low-down on her volunteer work, the church schedule, some new recipes, how all the grandchildren are doing and the weather. After about 45 minutes she says, "Oh, I almost forgot to tell you, the neighbors all nominated me, so I’m running for Mayor."

I started laughing, and I kept laughing and laughing and laughing ... I just couldn’t stop. The poor woman was getting upset because she didn’t know what I was laughing about, but there were so many things … and my tummy hurt and I really wanted to stop laughing after a while.

First: HOORAY ! ! ! I’m laughing because, GO MOM! Shit, YES! And, best of all because my brother told her it was a stupid thing for her to do. And double best of all, because his daughter (my Hot Chik in-training niece), and all the grandsons think it would be super cool if their Granny was the Mayor.

Second: The town is teeny-weeny. It’s just so cute that my little Mommy is going to be the Mayor of such a cute little Wisconsin town.

Third: The whole town is going to get FAT! I guarantee it! Check this out if you don’t believe me. The woman is diabolical. She’ll show up to all the Council Meetings with cake and cookies, enough for everyone to take home to their families. At every public event, she will take it upon herself to make sure that EVERYONE gets pie; not a piece of pie, A WHOLE PIE! They won't be able to resist. She's amazing; like a little Betty Crocker Oven in Target sneakers. It’ll be something to see.

I have half a mind to drive up there this weekend and take a bunch of "Before" pictures. Who’s with me? Come-on, it’ll be a fun road trip. I bet we can snag some good eats while we’re there!

MidNight Add-On: I was just thinking about what a kick-ass Mayor my Mom is going to be. The woman totally knows what's going on locally, nationally and internationally. She's well-read, socially connected and a good citizen. I'm thinking Hilary should take a serious look at Mom as a running mate in 2008!

Tuesday, February 22, 2005


I’ve been told that I can be intimidating. Perhaps it’s because I have shoulders like a line-backer. Maybe it’s the scary crazy hair. It could be that I’m nearly six feet tall when I wear heels, and I walk very deliberately, making as much racket as I care to. However, I think it has more to do with the fact that on the rare occasion when something sets me off, even if I don’t say a word, the laser-beams in my eyes might stop you dead in your tracks. If I do decide to speak, take cover!

I’ve been letting things build up and I NEED TO RANT.

My rants usually take the form of me marching back and forth through the house telling the walls and all its inhabitants exactly what I think of said "bullshit". Every once in a while I go outside for a smoke, and make sure the neighbors get to hear about it too, but well … damn! I HATE NOT SMOKING ! ! ! How the hell do you people do it? What do you do when you pause during a rant?

I’m generally a very very tolerant person. I go out of my way to understand all the perspectives and the various shades of gray. However, there are some things that are just WRONG!


And I am soooo tired of all the –isms.


I’m tired of the guy who says, "No, wait a second, this is really a funny joke. I know it’s racist, but I told my Hispanic friend Marco, and he laughed."

I don’t give a rat’s ass! I still don’t want to hear it. And, you are an idiot if you think it’s okay to tell that stupid joke just because Marco laughed! Racist jokes will never be funny. EVER!

I’m sick of hearing people talk about "those people" as if they know a goddamn thing about "those people". If you ask them how they know, you get some lame explanation, "because my 5th cousin twice removed once sold one of them a loaf of bread…"

Ah, the "Sample of One, Twice-Removed, Scientific Method of Study". Very fucking reliable! Why don’t you write that up and submit it as your dissertation, Einstein?

I hope I never have to hear another person say, "I don’t mind gay people as long as I don’t have to see IT, and as long as they don’t touch me." Did you ever wonder how a gay person feels having to be around your nasty ass while you’re groping up your girlfriend in line at the Quickee Mart? I’m sure every little queer boy is just waiting for his chance to get a big stud like you all alone.

Get the fuck over yourself and stop making a spectacle of yourself at the Quickee Mart!

I love/hate that people treat me better now than when I was fat. I’m talking about strangers, not my friends. When I was fat, I was nearly invisible until I wanted to be seen. Now, I have to put effort into becoming invisible … but it won’t last. Soon, I’ll get older, and even pretty women become invisible as they age, unless you’re Cher.

I’m tired of the over-emphasis on women’s appearance. I’m tired of expending precious energy caring about my physical imperfections. It’s not okay with me that my 7 year-old niece lives in a world where what she looks like matters more than who she is or what she can do!

I hate that someone called Cricket weird because she likes sex. I hate that I’m called weird, and worse names because I like sex. It sucks that women who enjoy sex are labeled. Oh, I don’t want to hear about it from the guys who say, "I wish I could find a girl like that, blah, blah, blah".

Show me, don’t tell me!

What happens instead is that the men I meet get all intimidated and freaked-out. They decide I'm too much for them, or too intense or god-knows-what. Jeez, you tell me! (albiet, if any of them met me during a rant, they’d have every right to think of me as too intense)

I’m tired of hearing some guys complain about how they aren’t getting any. All the girls they’ve been with won’t do the freaky things they want them to do, but when a gal comes along who is sexually confident and knows what she wants, she’s a "Hose-Bag" or a "Slut". If she has too much experience, he gets all freaked out.

And, why is that, people? Really? I think you know! And, IT’S NOT OKAY!

I hate the lack of tolerance of sexual diversity. Even people who think of themselves as kindof freaky, are judgmental of people who aren’t freaky. Fuck! Get over your freaky self! I’m not talking about sexual orientation, I’m talking about our preferences, what floats your boat. Do we like straight-up vanilla sex, or do we like it a little kinky? Does the Little Red Riding Crop excite you? Would you rather hold it or be on the snappy end? How about oral sex? Anal sex? Heavy bondage? Sub/Dom Lifestyle? Fetish’s? Role-play games? Or Sex parties? Some of us might say "No" to some or most of these things. Does that make us bad or intolerant? Hell No! It just means we have different preferences. Do we have to condemn people who don’t like the same things we do? Hell No!

Here’s a novel concept: Lets treat everyone the same way we’d like to be treated!

This may come as a surprise, but


As the Director of a Rape Crisis Center I met women who had survived the porn industry. I heard their stories, dozens of awful stories. For every happy, healthy, bouncy porn star you see on the talk show circuit telling her fairy-tale story of good treatment, fame and glory, there are hundreds more who are abused, exploited and mistreated.

Hey, I’m a big bad voyeur! As much as I love hearing the neighbors having sex, and as much as I’d love to be able to watch porn, I simply can’t get into the double penetration scene without wondering whether the gal at the center of attention is fully consenting, under the influence or being coerced into that role. By the time the scene is over, I’m a bag of nerves … and not the good kind.

*Fortunately, I’ve discovered a small collection of porn that is completely owned and made by women. It’s good stuff and nobody got hurt.

Here's a cool thing:
Internet porn sites use a variety of nasty devices to get people’s attention, including violence. Try googling the word "Rape" and see how many porn sites you get? Inadvertently, the name of this site, 2hotchiks, attracts people looking for porn. HA! No porn here! We accidentally tricked them at their own game. We’ve been getting over 1000 hits a week for the past 6 weeks. I have no idea what benefit that may have for us, but somehow it feels like revenge against the mutherfuckers that use Rape to get porn customers.

I’m done for a few months.
Congratulations! If you’ve made it this far, you’re nearly as loopy as I am!

Sunday, February 20, 2005

Hot Chik Fantasy Date

I finally have time to describe my amazing Valentine’s Day Fantasy Date with the Hot Chiks. It was definitely an experience to remember.

The goal was to have Coffee Ala-Zing with
Cricket and Chick to celebrate our hotness and to discuss one of my many diabolical Hot Chik schemes. I also decided in order to have a proper Hot Chik gathering we couldn’t possibly do without Kayten. And since I’ve also been dying to meet Rednaked Woman, Tiger and Heather, they had to be part of the event as well. Let me tell ya, even as a fantasy date, it was a major effort to get 7 Hot Chiks all in one place at the same time.

I waved goodbye to Lu and Steve, so perfectly in love. I kissed my Monkey-Man sweetly, comforted that he understood the Hot importance of a Hot Chik date on Valentine's Day. With an exhilarated feeling, I headed off to meet my sisters at our agreed upon destination.

We decided to meet in Manhattan at a cozy little coffee shop in the Village. I arrived first as a big fuzzy bundle of excitement. I couldn’t help chatting with the coffee shop staff about how this was such a tremendous occasion. By the time the other Hot Chiks arrived, the staff were nearly as excited as I was.

Lord-have-mercy, when that Hot Chik, Kayten walked in, you could feel the air move as everyone caught their breath at once! I couldn’t help but get a secret little thrill knowing that everyone else in the room was envious. This classy beauty was walking over to ME!

Soon after, Heather and Tiger arrived looking confident and spectacular. I swear, Tiger sure knows how to move her shit … mmm hmmm, Go Girl! And, Heather was sportin’ a ‘tude of raw sexual power (I think I said "woof" outloud … or maybe it was the two guys behind us).

So, we were all chatting it up and ordering our coffee when the rest of the room went silent, and a second later a waiter dropped a tray of coffee cups. Rednaked Woman had just strolled in all cool-like. But, nobody else was feelin’ cool. Can you say "Sizzle"? I had to unfasten a couple buttons on my blouse just to keep from over-heating. Kayten noticed and gave me a wink. That made me happy and tingly.

We were all settled in around a big comfy table when Chick arrived. She was fashionably late and looked fashionably spectacular! A vision of perfection! Oh! OH! OH ! ! ! How could I forget the shoes? The shoes were to die for! We were all expecting Mary Janes, but she surprised us with a gorgeous midnight blue sling-back. They looked so sexy on her perfect little feet.

Despite the excitement of finally meeting all of these amazing Hot Chiks, I was feeling a pang of fear that my dear Cricket wasn’t going to make it to the party. However, just as I felt a sad sigh rising in my chest, she came rushing through the door. We all cheered and ordered another round of Coffee ala Zing!

Cricket is a striking little tart, my friends. She was wearing a fabulous dress … no, wait … She was wearing THE SHIT out of a fabulous dress! And, I’m sure I wasn’t the only one who was wondering about the bra and panty set beneath. It was all I could do to keep my hands off her … hey wait … if this is my fantasy date and Cricket is my fantasy girlfriend, I don’t have to keep my hands off her do I???

… So then, the coffee shop turned into a gorgeous Penthouse Suite where we had a big slumber party together. We played Twister, did each other’s hair, talked endlessly about sex and had a pillow fight in our underwear … oh, and Cricket and I made-out like nobody’s business. (you know I included this paragraph mostly for the guys)

Although we never got around to the diabolical scheming, right before midnight, Chick reminded us that we promised to blow kisses to
Average Joe. So we did *smooches*

Saturday, February 19, 2005

From Kayten via Trust Tyler

Your Seduction Style: The Natural

You don't really try to seduce people... it just seems to happen.Fun loving and free spirited, you bring out the inner child in people.You are spontaneous, sincere, and unpretentious - a hard combo to find!People drop their guard around you, and find themselves falling fast.

What is your seduction Style?

Perhaps I should add this to my resume'

Friday, February 18, 2005

Sexual Resume'

So I’m thinkin’, as I’m apt to do from time to time, … and it occurs to me that I’ve spent an awful lot of time predetermining the necessary qualifications of a lover for myself, but I haven’t really spelled out what makes me so gosh darn special for someone else.

It’s now February 18, 2005. I, your cherished Love Goddess, the powerful force who launched this blessed year of celebration: 2005, Year of Cunnilingus, still await my limber-lipped Prince (or Princess).

Last month I proclaimed that I was going to stop complaining about the absence of cunnilingus in my life. And, despite my vivid imagination and large collection of handy mechanical devices, it's been difficult to keep that promise and also be satisfied

I've decided that it’s time for a little self-examination. Perhaps once I look at my own personal Lover Resume’, I may find myself needing improvement in one area or another.


Current Title: Love Goddess

Out and Proud Slut
Hot Chik Co-Founder
Clothing-Optional Advocate
Co-Founder of the Illinois Masturbation Liberation Society (1984)

Relevant Attributes and Skills:

  • Able to fully disrobe in 9.6 seconds
  • Sexual Powerhouse
  • Great “Phone Sex” voice
  • Physically limber (really bendy)
  • Genuine fondness for Felatio
  • Well-groomed, trimmed (not shaved)
  • Hip bones are covered in soft tissue to prevent injury
  • High level of scientific sexual knowledge
  • Great “Potty-Mouth”
  • Incredibly sensitive nipples
  • Butt-biter
  • Nice collection of toys, costumes and tools (including the Cunnilingus Throne and the Little Red Riding Crop)
  • Extremely vivid imagination
  • Phenomenal kisser


  • Unemotional sex is not an option
  • Silent sex is not a skill the Love Goddess possesses, nor possibly ever will
  • Inexperienced with the lights off
  • Is occasionally unruly, naughty and in need of a sound spanking
  • Lives in Iowa

References: (a good lover never tells) Volunteers anyone???

So, how can I improve myself as a lover ?

Tuesday, February 15, 2005


Sorry for the delay in announcing the winner of the Most Horrible Love Poem Contest. I was trapped at work for nearly an eternity. I tried to protest, but when they duct-taped me to my chair and wheeled me into my Cubicle Corner of Shame, I knew it was hopeless to struggle. (at least there were Valentine's Day Cookies with sprinkles!)

Enough about my pitiful existence.
We have announcements to make!

It looks like we have three entries for the contest.
All three are absolutely HORRIBLE ! ! !

I could barely finish reading them without averting my eyes in horror.

It was always my intention to have two winners for this contest:
Most Horrible Hot Chik Love Poem
Most Horrible Hot Chik Loving Man Poem

But, with the scope of creativity introduced to this contest, I had to add another category:
Most Vile and Disgusting Love Poem

So, we end up with three winners:

  • Rednaked Woman: Most Horrible Hot Chik Love Poem
  • Opaco: Most Horrible Hot Chik Loving Man Poem
  • Thomas: Most Vile and Disgusting Love Poem

I think this is fitting since they are clearly the three bravest and most creatively Horrible Love Poem writers in all of Blogland.

As reward, these three Horrible Winners shall receive a genuine replica of the Love Goddess’s very own Little Red Riding Crop. (This is the very same Riding Crop that hangs o-so-handily on the Cunnilingus Throne)

Congratulations Winners! and a belated Happy Valentine’s Day!

The winners should contact me privately by e-mail with delivery information.

Sunday, February 13, 2005

My Valentine for All the Hot Chiks

This is my gift to all Hot Chiks and the men who love Hot Chiks.

Many of you may be familiar with this poem by Maya Angelou. She's a very powerful Hot Chik from way back!

(Gals, this poem is best enjoyed when read aloud in a deep and sultry voice.)

by Maya Angelou

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies
I'm not cute or built to suit a model's fashion size
But when I start to tell them
They think I'm telling lies.
I say
It's in the reach of my arms
The span of my hips
The stride of my steps
The curl of my lips.
I'm a woman
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please
And to a man
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees
Then they swarm around me
A hive of honey bees.
I say
It's the fire in my eyes
And the flash of my teeth
The swing of my waist
And the joy in my feet.
I'm a woman
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

Men themselves have wondered
What they see in me
They try so much
But they can't touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them
They say they still can't see.
I say
It's in the arch of my back
The sun of my smile
The ride of my breasts
The grace of my style.
I'm a woman
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say
It's in the click of my heels
The bend of my hair
The palm of my hand
The need for my care.
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenal woman
That's me.

2005 Horrible Poetry Contest Announcement

The WINNER of the
2005 Horrible Love Poem Contest
will be announced Monday, February 14th at approximately 10:30 pm CT.
Entries will be accepted until 8:30 pm the same day.

The enviable, but well-deserved award for the winner will be announced at the same time.

Saturday, February 12, 2005

I Prefer the Puffs Over the Kleenex Tissues

Lu usually takes care of the Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) stuff on our Blog, but she’s really busy right now being a kick-ass Hot Chik while doing some important Community Theater work. Besides, since I have MDD too, maybe it’s time I spoke up and put my two cents in.

I can make fun of my Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) ‘til the cows come home (or chickens, if you prefer), but I can’t think of a single funny thing about Depression. It sucks, and it interupts my otherwise happy life.

97 percent of my life:
Here I am, dancin’ and singing to my totally groovy life. Woo Hoo! Look at me enjoying my recent good fortune. Got a big raise. Won a trip. Lost 12 pounds. Not a thing should be getting me down.

SLAM! BAM! KaPOW! Depression strikes out of nowhere! Ouch man, that hurts. But, Depression doesn’t care. He wants to lay me out flat. He loves to see me cry. Not the good cry, like when I’m touched by the tender gesture of a friend or when I listen to beautiful music. This is real intense pain. Sometimes it hurts so much I can’t move or make a sound.

Depression has no compassion. When I cry "Uncle" he sadistically grins and continues his assault. He loves to see me curled up in a ball, helpless and pathetic. The kicks and blows muddle my mind with self-doubt and hopelessness. I forget that I’ve survived this before. I forget that my friends are true, and they are still with me even though I’m not my happy, quirky, flirty self. I forget that I am valuable. I believe the lies Depression tells me instead.

You are UGLY!
You are STUPID!
You are FAT!
You are a LOSER!


Depression kills people. He has killed some really lovely people right here in my little town. Sure, the newspaper reported that these folks "took his/her own life", but those who were close are aware of the truth. Who really took their beautiful lives away from us? That murdering bastard Depression did it!

Sometimes Depression tries to take my life too. He tries to trick me by telling me that everything is hopeless and the only way to end the pain is to end my life. It always feels different in the light of day, but when the dark veil falls over me and the pain rips and tears at my core, death seems to offer welcome relief.

I'm smarter than Depression, so I should know that He doesn't make any sense. But, it’s not about intelligence or what makes sense. If I don't have a reason to be depressed, Depression will find a reason for me.

It’s a BIOLOGICAL PROBLEM. I have a chronic life-threatening disorder that effects the way I think and feel. And, even though I’ve had good, effective treatment experiences, every 4 to 6 months the symptoms break through. It’s usually when I’m not eating well, playing enough, or exercising & sleeping regularly. I also have to remember to take my medicine every day at the same time.

I know there are skeptics who would suggest that it’s a matter of attitude, strength of character, or even personal will. However, to try to control Depression from this perspective would be as fruitless as Monkey-Man trying to will his body into metabolizing sugars properly with the strength of his character and a positive attitude. Diabetes can’t be controlled this way, and neither can Depression.

I have a great life. I have nothing to be depressed about ... so would someone kindly help me up off the floor and get me a tissue, please. I'm fighting that bastard Depression, and I'm going to win, like I always do.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Let the Competition Begin

Very impressive folks! The comments from The Silliest Love Poem I Ever Read have been priceless.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, let me illustrate:

Rednaked said...
Chipmunks of hope? Is that like beavers of desire?

Larry Jones said...
I have become mired in the swamp of your doggerel and must clamber onto the raft of good sense to get the fuck out.

Thomas said...
"Her vulva was as wet, warm and slick as a spoiled cabbage on a radiator. My fingers traversed the tunnel of passion with the urgency of a trailer truck full of urgency."

These are so bad that they've inspired a literary contest.

We can definitely do much better ... I mean MUCH WORSE, than the silliest love poem, and these three commenters have already set a great ... I mean horrible example for the contest.

2 Hot Chiks is hosting:


E-mail, or Post your entries in the comments section.

The poems will be judged Monday February 14th.
The wretched sap of a winner will be notified of the Amazing Award at that time.

Remember: Bad is Better in this game!

*Preference will be given to the Horrible Love Poem that recognizes 2005, Year of Cunnilingus

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Out of the Blue

Have you ever had one of those days when everything has gone to shit?

Have you ever had the opposite happen?

Hell yeah! That was my day yesterday!!!

Besides recently enjoying some wonderful erotic experiences with my fantasy lover, Spike, where I demonstrated in Technicolor Animation and SurroundSound audio quality the beauty that Average Joe described in his Post, Donuts and Orgasms, I have also had some other great shit happen:

OUT OF THE BLUE, my boss visits me yesterday, to tell me I’m getting a $3,000 a year raise. Apparently the upper management folks were looking at things and noticed that my salary was out of line with others who were equally valuable to the company … or some other horseshit. Ha! (Ms. Chick, would you be so kind and calculate approximately how many pairs of fine footwear a Hot Chik can purchase for three grand?)

OUT OF THE BLUE, Monkey-Man calls me from work to tell me that he won $100.00 for being THE SHIT at something or other at his job. Ever since he was diagnosed with Diabetes in December, he’s been taking good care of his diet, so he’s lost a shitload of weight. He needs new clothes. Hooray for Monkey!

OUT OF THE BLUE, he says, "That’s the little piece of good news. There’s more! I also won a trip for two to Las Vegas. With spending money and dinner out with the Showtime people and maybe even tickets to see Penn and Teller." And, when I asked him who he was taking with him, he said, your's truly. Tee, Hee! FUCK ME SILLY!!!

You see, things like this don’t happen to people like us. What happens to people like us is, our furnace breaks on the coldest fucking day of the year. The car needs $800 in repairs two days before I have to drive 500 miles to my baby sister’s wedding. Our beloved cat gets hit by a car, and our house gets burglarized on Christmas Eve.

So this morning when the scale said I’d lost another couple pounds, I just had to pinch myself to see if I was dreaming. This isn’t the life I'm accoustomed to living.

Oh, one more thing, my Hot girlfriend, Cricket, and I are going to have a fantasy coffee date and hatch a really cool diabolical plan. Hot Chiks and diabolical plans ROCK because they are always about increasing the Hotness.

Monday, February 07, 2005

The Silliest Love Poem I Ever Read

I am hiking in the boots of my desire across the landscape of your love. The path of our relationship is often steep and strewn with the rocks of difficulty. But along the foothills of our future bloom flowers of promise, where the chipmunks of hope scamper amidst the underbrush of understanding. High above the mountain of destiny soars the hawk of happiness, searching with eyes of courage for the food of truth. So onward I hike in the boots of my desire across the landscape of your love … until I come at last to the river of inane writing and drink deep the waters of bad metaphors.

Have the Time of Your Life

The thing I love about sex is that you can let it all hang out
You can completely be yourself
All the parts of yourself
The raunchy
The tender
The playful
The dirty
The kinky
The quirky
The sappy romantic
You can try out different parts
Be something or someone else for a while
And the whole time
It’s supposed to be a blast
A thrill
Sex belongs to you
Let it all hang out
And have the time of your life!

Sunday, February 06, 2005

THE ANSWERS to the Romance Quiz

I’ve finally gotten around to posting the answers to the Romance Quiz. However, before we get into the results, I want to go over a couple things. First, I’ll go over some of the obvious disclaimers. Second, I’ll identify the criteria by which the quiz results were examined.


  • As with most tests, this one is biased. In fact, as usual, I paid no mind to my personal biases.
  • Likewise, this test is highly subjective. It is very specifically written and scored from the Hot View of a Hot Chik.
  • I don’t expect everyone to agree with me. I have no problem agreeing to disagree, agreeing to both be right or discovering to my delight that I still have things to learn, and I am wrong.
  • I actually took this quiz myself. When I answered the questions with absolute honesty, I DIDN’T get a perfect score.

The criteria for a gesture to be romantic:

  • It is personal, sentimental and/or nostalgic.
  • It is passionate, but not necessarily sexual.
  • It is thoughtful, creative, original and challenging.
  • It is risky, adventurous and fueled by desire.
  • The object of affection is idealized and adored.
  • It promotes and furthers intimacy.
  • There is an element of fantasy.

Not all of these criteria are reflected in the Quiz questions. However, I decided posting all of them was a good idea, especially so close to Valentine’s Day. For those of you struggling to come up with a gift idea, these criteria may provide a spark. If you’re still stuck, contact me by e-mail. I will also post a few ideas in the next few days.

Romance Quiz Results:

A. Which of these phrases expresses the greatest romantic sentiment?

1. 1 point
2. 3 points
3. 2 points
4. 4 points

This is a tricky one. It is biased from the perspective of the Hot Chik Code. Number 6 of the code says, "Hot Chiks are gorgeous regardless of the current trends or narrowly defined standards of beauty." This in no way discredits the fact that answer #2 is beautiful. In fact, I am fond of whispers and kisses. However, the message of unconditional love and adoration gets the extra point.

B. Which of these is the MOST romantic date?

1. 2 points
2. 1 point
3. 4 points
4. * 4 points or 1 point (see explanation)

This question is all about furthering intimacy. The more private time the better. For those who chose #4, they only get full points if it is planned, there are no distractions, the movie is special, and you are cuddling (making-out before the end of the movie is even better).

C. You’re out for dinner and your date spills wine on her blouse. You …?

1. 4 points
2. 2 points
3. 4 points
4. 1 point

Number one is the chivalrous answer. If she seems to be concerned about her $150 silk blouse, she might be distracted, even if she’s not concerned about the look. Number 2 is generous, but unnecessary. Number 3 is the best response for the gal who seems embarrassed about looking clumsy in front of you. Number 4 seems sexually motivated rather than romantically motivated.

D. Women continue to struggle for equal rights. After decades of such strife, the impact on dating etiquette has become a cliché. So, do you offer to pay for dinner?

1. 4 points
2. 1 point
3. - 10 points

This question is a bit tricky. Some of you may have felt that I set you up. I liked the answers given by those who said they would offer to pay for any guest they had invited out to dinner. My real reason for this question is to recognize that IN GENERAL, women still only earn 72% of what men make in the work place, yet overall, women perform 70% of the overall work (this includes unpaid work). Furthermore, one of the biggest predictors of poverty for women and children in the United States is divorce. I can also guarantee that the beautiful woman you are sharing the evening with, spent a hell of a lot more money than you did getting ready for the date. Her clothes, shoes, hair, make-up, perfume, shampoo, waxing, under garments, nails, accessories, etc. cost a bloody fortune. Don’t be fooled by those who seem to have a natural look. That takes some major maintenance as well. The cost of dinner is a minor effort toward balancing the financial inequity between genders.

E. The day after you have sex with her for the 1st time, you acknowledge the experience by?

1. 4 points
2. 2 points
3. 3 points
4. -10 points

Admittedly, I am biased about this (the Goddess loves the flowers). Still, if you really dig this Chik, go for it! It’s a little risky, but it’s not a marriage proposal, for Pete’s sake. The flowers are going to set you apart from every other shmuck she’s ever boffed. Besides, if you send flowers, imagine how enthusiastic she’s going to be the next time.

A personal call is good too. It allows for intimacy, your voice tone can express genuineness, and there’s a bit of risk involved. Don't be a dope and think it’s cool to wait 5 days. If she’s a Hot Chik, she may have moved on by then.

E-mail may be adequate, but unless you are really creative and have some technical knowledge to make it special, it’s generally pretty lame.

F. Rank the following gifts from most romantic to least romantic:

4 1 3 2

The bracelet is #1 because it fits more of the criteria of a romantic gesture. It’s personal, thoughtful, and original compared to the others. It’s also a bit of a challenge because the gift-giver has to remember the exact bracelet and the store from months earlier. The personal part is what distinguishes it the most, not the fact that it’s a piece of jewelry. It’s unlikely that anyone else in her life knows that she admired that particular item. Putting this first gives you 4 points.

A book by her favorite author is something several people in her life could give her. My boss could give me such a gift. Believe me, it wouldn’t be a romantic gift if he gave it to me. However, if the book is a particularly special, it becomes romantic. The rare 1st edition Gone With the Wind is an example. It was a challenge for Charlie to acquire this particular book for his Love. Any gift that has emotional value adds to the romantic value. The fact that you know who her favorite author is, and that you know that she likes to read requires some thought. It's worthy of 3 points. Charlie receives an 3 extra points for Gone With the Wind.

A gift certificate for a massage and a facial is a gift that many women enjoy. However, it’s not something we expect to get from our sweetie. While it does send a message that we deserve to be pampered, it’s the message we generally receive from our Mom or our girlfriends. Putting this answer 1st gives you 2 points.

I ADORE pretty lingerie. When I discover something that makes me feel sexy, I’m 3 inches taller and glowing. However, that is the gift I buy myself. Occasionally, I might think of you when I buy it. Unless your gal specifically asks for lingerie, leave it to her! Putting this answer 1st gives you 0 points.

G. To set the mood in the boudoir, you?

1. 2 points
2. 3 points
3. 1 point
4. 4 points

Showing interest in her, taking your time, and being affectionate and thoughtful is what #4 is all about. It creates intimacy and that’s romantic and sexy. Numbers 2 and 1 have some of those elements, but not to the same degree. Once you get to #3, it’s just silly. Silly can be a good thing. You might get lucky, but it’s not romantic.

H. The following best describes your attitude about sex:

1. 3 points
2. 2 points
3. 0 points
4. 5 points

This is the question that I would have scored less than perfect. I tend to believe you get what you give sexually. See my post called Sex Police for all the exagerated details. It has some merit because it suggests that you are willing to put forth effort to have a good experience. However, the most romantic response is #4. This response demonstrates thoughtful generosity, and the attitude that your lover is idolized and adored. Number 2 implies that you have faith that you have a good sexual relationship, but it lacks thoughtfulness. Number 3 lacks any merit whatsoever.

I. When your Sweetie walks into the room, what’s the first thing that comes to mind?

1. 1 point
2. 3 points
3. 0 points
4. 4 points
* Give yourself an extra point if you couldn’t help yourself and answered 2 and 4.
Also, the person who e-mailed me to say #4, but also #2 if I was wearing my magic jeans gets an extra 3 points. Very cool, Baby!

This question recognizes the subtle difference between passion and sexuality for those who struggled between #2 and #4. No one that I’m aware of answered # 1 or 3. I only gave #1 a single point because there was a modicum of thoughtfulness involved in the response. Number 3 needs to consider couples counseling.

J. Which term of endearment seems the most romantic to you?

1 thru 4, 6 thu 8 and 10 receive 4 points
5 and 9 receive negative 10 points and a citation from the Sex Police
11 receives 5 points for creativity, sentimentality and originality

Answers that I was particularly fond of:

"Whatever is the one you are whispering in my ear!!!" (At first I thought this was a lame response, but after I thought about it, I decided it was pretty damn good.)

"a Welsh word 'Cariad' meaning love, or 'Fy Nghariad' (pronounced roughtly Vun Hariad) meaning my love." Ed

"Cuddle-Bunny" TryingTimes

"Beautiful" Average Joe

Interpretation of Scores: Anyone scoring higher than 30 points is a damn good choice for a Valentine.

Love Really is Everything it's Cracked Up to Be

Not every woman enjoys the heady adventure of romance. Some may want to avoid it due to the inherent risks involved. It can be a wild roller-coaster ride with a nasty crash at the end. For those who wish to protect their hearts from a potential shredding, they can read about romantic adventures in steamy novels from the safety of an over-stuffed chair.

I’m not that woman. It’s not as if I have a choice. After all, I have certain obligations as the Love Goddess. It really is a pretty fantastic job. I can say that now. The piercing wounds I suffered a few months ago have healed a bit. There’s one thing I can’t seem to grasp, however. Scar tissue is supposed to be thicker than the original tissue. I wonder why I’m still so tender and easily wounded in the heart? Damn, those crashes sting! You know what I mean?

Perhaps I’m crazy to go back for more. Just as soon as the double vision fades and my feet can support me, I’m running to the front of the line to scramble into that coaster-car again. I have no doubt that despite being a bit more cautious, there will be more rides and more crashes in my future.

Some of the roller-coaster rides of my past have been unforgettable.

MH: It was an ordinary weekend in an ordinary city in Iowa. I was out for the evening with a few girlfriends when I noticed someone who captured my interest. Rather than waiting for him to notice me back, I started a conversation. The rest of the evening was one of most memorable times of my life.

Two days later he called from his home 1,200 miles away to tell me he had contacted a travel agent. He wanted to know if I would mind if he spent his vacation back in Iowa a couple months later. The next two months were filled with Halmark cards, long phone calls, and surprise flowers in the most unexpected places. Nothing can compare to the week we spent together when he returned.

That was Romantic!

D: I was in a small art gallery with Monkey-Man, my Mother-in-law and my Boyfriend (no, Mom doesn’t know). We were enjoying some lovely art by a few local artists. At the very end of the exhibit, one painting caught my attention. While music tends to elicit an emotional response from me, I’ve never had a powerful experience with other art forms. As I looked upon this particular painting of a nude woman, my eyes filled with tears and I began to sob. I stood before the her for a very long time. I couldn't seem to tear myself away. While my Mother-in-law tried to get me to stop my blubbering, my Boyfriend bought the painting. He said that she belonged with me.

I look at her every day. Mostly she makes me smile now.

That was Romantic!

Monkey-Man: Last Valentine’s Day, Monkey-Man was excited about the gift he had for me. I couldn’t imagine why. We had agreed to do no more than exchange cards with one another. Historically, he has created homemade cards when he can’t find what he wants in a store. They usually involve watercolors and a poem or a romantic quote. This year was something really special.

The envelope was stiff, flat and square. When I opened it, I found a CD sleeve with the words "Love Songs and Remembrances" written on the outside. The CD contains all the songs we listened to during the first few years we were together. One of the songs is a rarely recorded song by Cole Porter that my Jodi sang at our wedding. Whenever I listen to the CD, my mind is flooded with happy memories of how we became the best of friends and fell in love. That’s about the best present I ever got.

That was Romantic!

Love really is everything it’s cracked up to be.
Summon your courage.
Fight for it.
Risk everything.

Saturday, February 05, 2005

Joe Likes to Play Tag

A little game of musical question tag has found it’s way to 2HotChiks. The point of the game is to answer the 3 questions about music, and then tag 3 other people with the same questions. Average Joe tagged me with the following:
"Theresa - very, very interested in what she listens to, and to see if it's what I think it is."

I have no idea what Joe is expecting. My ADHD symptoms impact my music appreciation as much as every other aspect of my life. Other than the fact that I avoid crappy music, I tend to be all over the map.

Hold the bus. If Supertramp is considered crappy music, then I don’t actually avoid that very well either.

ONE: The last CD you bought.
I bought two CDs on the same day from the same store.

  1. A Tribute to Stevie Ray Vaughn with Bonnie Raitt, B.B. King, Dr. John, Eric Clapton, etc…
  2. Vivaldi’s Cello with Yo-Yo Ma and the Amsterdam Baroque Orchestra

TWO: Last song listened to before this message.
Nick Hornby’s Songbook was the last CD in the portable. It’s definitely one of my current favorites. I have the CD, but not the book. I desperately want a copy of the book, but it’s out of print. The last time I bought it, I had to search a while to dig up a copy. I also had to pay extra, but it was worth the trouble because it was a gift for a wonderful friend. If you haven’t read the book, it’s an absolute NECESSITY for anyone who loves music. Check it out at the library if you have to.

The last song I was listening to: Badly Drawn Boy (A Minor Incident) track #7

THREE: 5 songs you listen to a lot or mean a lot to you.

  1. Kind of Blue (Miles Davis): It’s more perfect than perfection. I still get chills when I listen to it, and I’ve heard it well over 100 times.
  2. Try a Little Tenderness (Aretha’s recording at age 17): It was 3am some night in 1990. I was stoned and watching the rain from the full-length window of my boyfriend’s 2nd floor apartment. He said, "Have you ever heard Aretha’s recording of Try a Little Tenderness? I have it on Vinyl." About half way through the song, I started crying. It was that brilliant! Did Otis make anyone cry with that song?
  3. I Want You (Elvis Costello, Blood & Chocolate): I was driving to work when I heard this song for the first time. It was such a kick in the gut that I had to pull over onto the shoulder of the highway. I could say more, but I'm at a loss on this one.
  4. A Thousand Beautiful Things (#1) or Wonderful (#5) (Annie Lenox, Bare): The entire CD is fantastic. I can’t decide which song I like best. Some people have said that you have to be a woman over 40 whose had her teeth kicked in a couple times to truly appreciate and understand this CD. I think it’s sufficient to simply have had your teeth kicked in a couple times. Ms. Lenox is a total Hot Chik who understands that great rewards demand great risk.
  5. The Sensual World (Kate Bush): If anyone doesn’t have damp panties / a chubby by the end of this song, check for a pulse!

FOUR: Who are you gonna pass this stick to? (three persons and why)

  1. Monkey-Man, (aka Greenman), because he has great taste in music and knows why he likes what he likes.
  2. Lu, because she’s smart & interesting, and I’m curious about what she will reveal.
  3. Goldfish Shoals because she’s my idol and I want to be just like her when I get big.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Flex for Me, Baby!

I’ve met a number of men through the years who’ve described themselves as "Hopeless Romantics". Several of them have made reasonable efforts, but few have demonstrated a mastery of this self-proclaimed title. Perhaps this is because I failed to inspire a whole-hearted romantic response, or perhaps they were full of hot air … or maybe we simply had different ideas about what Romance is all about. What I find most amusing is that the one man, who has most often brought a sappy tear to my eye with tender thoughtful gestures, consistently scoffs at romance and denies that he wants any part of it (you know who you are).

In the spirit of Average Joe’s "Cosmo" style Quiz, I have designed an alternate. It may be more fitting for what some women are looking for. I was inspired by a statement BlueEyes made in one of his posts, "Women need a reason to have sex, men only need a place." While I think this is a generalization, I also believe many women would like more romance while just as many men struggle to comply.

I have one last thought before beginning the Quiz. While watching Sex in the City, or some Chick-Flick, one of the characters said something that struck home. She said that when men make grand gestures in relationships, they are considered romantic and brave, but when women do the same, they are considered desperate. It’s something to think about.

It's time for our Male visitors to flex their Romantic Muscles.
Gentlemen, the submission of your answers is entirely voluntary. I will post the correct answers in a few days for those who are shy and would rather check their score privately.

Romance Quiz

A. Which of these phrases expresses the greatest romantic sentiment?

  1. Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love. (Albert Einstein)
  2. For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul. (Judy Garland)
  3. There’s a lot to be said for self-delusionment when it comes to matters of the heart. (Diane Frolov and Andrew Schneider, Northern Exposure, 1993)
  4. You don’t love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her. (Anon)

B. Which of these is the MOST romantic date?

  1. A quiet dinner and a show
  2. Cocktails and a dance club
  3. A drive in the country and a picnic
  4. Watching an old movie at home while eating microwave popcorn and a bag of peanut M&Ms

C. You’re out for dinner and your date spills wine on her blouse. You …?

  1. Ask the serving staff for club soda and extra napkins to clean the stain.
  2. Offer to take her home to change.
  3. Tell her she looks beautiful when she’s blushing with embarrassment.
  4. Cut dinner short and hope this means you can get the blouse off faster.

D. Women continue to struggle for equal rights. After decades of such strife, the impact on dating etiquette has become a cliché. So, do you offer to pay for dinner?

  1. Yes
  2. No
  3. I’m not investing that much time and energy. I just pick women up in bars.

E. The day after you have sex with her for the 1st time, you acknowledge the experience by?

  1. Sending flowers with a handwritten note to her home or workplace.
  2. E-mailing to tell her how much you enjoyed the experience.
  3. Calling her to chat and ask her out again.
  4. What? I scored. Time to move on.

F. Rank the following gifts from most romantic to least romantic:

  1. A book by her favorite author
  2. Pretty lingerie
  3. Gift certificate for a massage and a facial
  4. A bracelet you noticed her admire a few months earlier.

G. To set the mood in the boudoir, you?

  1. Change the sheets and put the kids to bed early.
  2. Light candles and put on sexy mood music.
  3. While getting out of the shower, grab her ass and say, "Wanna?"
  4. Massage her feet while she’s taking a bath and talk to her about the day.

H. The following best describes your attitude about sex:

  1. You get what you give.
  2. We’re in sync, so I don’t really have to think about it.
  3. If she’s not satisfied it’s because she’s not trying hard enough.
  4. My satisfaction is all about getting her motor running.

I. When your Sweetie walks into the room, what’s the first thing that comes to mind?

  1. I wonder what kind of mood she’s in?
  2. Sweet Jeezus, that’s what I’m talkin’ bout!
  3. She’s going to ask me if I paid the water bill. Should I lie or tell the truth?
  4. First, kiss those gorgeous lips, then …

J. Which term of endearment seems the most romantic to you?

  1. Muffin-Butt
  2. Sassy Pants
  3. Sweetheart
  4. Sex Kitten
  5. Ball & Chain
  6. Cupcake
  7. Sweet Blossom Lips
  8. Buttercup
  9. Trick
  10. Spankalicious
  11. Suggest your own

Wednesday, February 02, 2005


… is when someone delivers a huge box of Godiva chocolates to work on the same day you get your period.

(I only had one, on account of my magic jeans fitting Oh-so-perfectly once again, but that one made everything in the Universe come into balance)