Friday, February 18, 2005

Sexual Resume'

So I’m thinkin’, as I’m apt to do from time to time, … and it occurs to me that I’ve spent an awful lot of time predetermining the necessary qualifications of a lover for myself, but I haven’t really spelled out what makes me so gosh darn special for someone else.

It’s now February 18, 2005. I, your cherished Love Goddess, the powerful force who launched this blessed year of celebration: 2005, Year of Cunnilingus, still await my limber-lipped Prince (or Princess).

Last month I proclaimed that I was going to stop complaining about the absence of cunnilingus in my life. And, despite my vivid imagination and large collection of handy mechanical devices, it's been difficult to keep that promise and also be satisfied
.

I've decided that it’s time for a little self-examination. Perhaps once I look at my own personal Lover Resume’, I may find myself needing improvement in one area or another.


LOVER RESUME: Theresa

Current Title: Love Goddess

Experience:
Out and Proud Slut
Hot Chik Co-Founder
Clothing-Optional Advocate
Co-Founder of the Illinois Masturbation Liberation Society (1984)

Relevant Attributes and Skills:


  • Able to fully disrobe in 9.6 seconds
  • Sexual Powerhouse
  • Great “Phone Sex” voice
  • Physically limber (really bendy)
  • Genuine fondness for Felatio
  • Well-groomed, trimmed (not shaved)
  • Hip bones are covered in soft tissue to prevent injury
  • High level of scientific sexual knowledge
  • Great “Potty-Mouth”
  • Incredibly sensitive nipples
  • Butt-biter
  • Nice collection of toys, costumes and tools (including the Cunnilingus Throne and the Little Red Riding Crop)
  • Extremely vivid imagination
  • Phenomenal kisser

Limitations:

  • Unemotional sex is not an option
  • Silent sex is not a skill the Love Goddess possesses, nor possibly ever will
  • Inexperienced with the lights off
  • Is occasionally unruly, naughty and in need of a sound spanking
  • Lives in Iowa

References: (a good lover never tells) Volunteers anyone???

So, how can I improve myself as a lover ?

20 Comments:

At 11:00 AM, Blogger John Q. Public said...

How incredibly fortuitous! I was just thinking of placing an ad in the paper looking for a person just like this!

Are you willing to telecommute?

 
At 11:10 AM, Blogger theresa said...

Since guys who use the word "fortuitous" get my party hats on, I'll definitely give it some thought, Sugar!

 
At 12:07 PM, Blogger cricket said...

hmmm..."improve" on a resume like that??? i'm not sure that's even possible...

how about giving "resume improving" classes to the rest of us? :)

 
At 12:26 PM, Blogger Rednaked said...

I think that's a fine resume! Perhaps the problem is Iowa?

 
At 12:56 PM, Blogger Kay said...

Woo hoo! You included Princesses in the job description! Then I could please you AND study at your feet all at once!

I wonder how much a plane ticket to Iowa would cost ...?

 
At 1:09 PM, Blogger Chick said...

Oh yeah...I'm with the girls here...we should all study at your lovely (& well shoed) feet.

 
At 1:43 PM, Blogger The Flash said...

Don't bash us boys.

 
At 2:36 PM, Blogger Rednaked said...

She did say princess and I missed it! I must be slipping. I'll blame it on a lack of sleep or the weather or some such thing.

But if it's a princess you're looking for.....wear the shoes and bring the little red riding crop. MMM MMM

 
At 4:07 AM, Blogger theresa said...

Why didn't I think of posting my resume' weeks and weeks ago.

I'm all a-flutter in my tingly places from all the hawt Hot Chik gushing. It seems what I really need is my overnight bag and a ride to the airport.

Joe, if I'm willing to telecommute, are you willing to tele-lingus?

Oh, and there is no man-bashing at 2hotchiks, young Flash!

 
At 12:31 PM, Blogger Tiger said...

Hey... I've been to IA a time or two. :) I think that your resume sounds pretty fine. ...and now I'm all hot and bothered by Joe's little "fortuitous" comment myself! geesh, but I like 'em well spoken! :)

 
At 9:23 PM, Blogger Larry Jones said...

You seem very accomplished, Ms. Chik. Could you come back to the office for an interview, say, at midnight?

 
At 11:34 PM, Blogger theresa said...

Oh! I only have 20 minutes to get ready and get over to Larry's office for my interview.

Help! What should I wear?

 
At 9:27 AM, Anonymous watchnplay said...

Hmmm. Iowa? That's where my wife and I met and lived for several years. We're in the south now, but she sure sounds a lot like you! Or you sound a lot like her! Must be those Iowa girls!

 
At 9:28 AM, Blogger dwduck said...

All the way in Iowa. Quack.

 
At 4:57 PM, Blogger Lu said...

Personally, I think there's something very sexy about Iowa. I think it might even warrant a whole new post...

--Lu

 
At 4:12 PM, Blogger Maverick said...

no improving necessary - you sound perfect

Spitting in a Wishing Well

 
At 12:37 PM, Anonymous Generic Viagra said...

Able to fully disrobe in 9.6 seconds? hahaha! would be the best guy if I could do that!!

 
At 5:15 AM, Blogger Elliot Thomson said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
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