Saturday, May 10, 2008

Bargaining

By the time we get to this age, we all carry a bit of baggage, some more than others. We can help one another along, but mostly it's stuff we have to sort out on our own. It's hard work that some people never seem able to do. And, sometimes the people that seem the most well-put-together have the biggest parcels to handle. Other times those who have the most to offer have months or years of sorting to do before they have anything worth giving.

I’ve worked long and hard to sort through my crap, much of that work right here on this blog. Right or wrong, I hid myself away until I had my baggage whittled down into a manageable carry-on. It took a couple years and a few detours to really get my shit together. Unfortunately, it seems as if my guy-guy is one of those people with a lot to offer but nothing to give right now. It’s not my fault. It’s not really his fault either. It’s just the way life works.

I wish he’d say he has a plan to work it all out. He could ask me to hang in there for a while. I wouldn’t throw myself on my sword, but I’d help push the luggage cart if he said we were worth working for. Instead, he just gives me explanations of his powerlessness. Then, he distracts me by making me laugh. It makes him feel better because, even though he doesn’t say so, he can’t stand knowing he hurt me.

He calls because he likes my company. I answer because I hope he’ll say what I want him to say.
If I don't hear something positive soon, it's going to get old fast. In fact, I think I might not feel like talking tonight.

6 Comments:

At 2:18 PM, Blogger ZooooM said...

My stomach actually flipped when I read this line:

"He calls because he likes my company. I answer because I hope he’ll say what I want him to say."

...because I was there so many times myself, although a LOT less astute than you are.

Someday, you are going to find someone with a matching carry-on, and it's going to be magnificent. Someone like you deserves only the best.

 
At 11:52 AM, Blogger VE said...

Great piece. Baggage is a tough one to deal with. Sounds like you're past that point but haven't found somebody at the same timeline. I remember dating after 20 years and I did it pretty quickly and I'd get shut down at prospective dates simply because I hadn't been divorced a year. And I respect them for adhering to that rule because most cannot move forward on their baggage timeline fast; but not everyone is the same. Some will never eliminate baggage and might actually add to it. Others are very slow. It took me about 6 months to get to that state but another year to find that right person. It can be very demotivating when you're ready for another long term relationship but there aren't any good candidates in the same state...

 
At 10:29 PM, Blogger Theresa said...

Zoom - You are always wonderfully optimistic for me.

Ve - It's hard enough to find someone compatible in an exciting way. We also need to have the timing right? Crap!

 
At 10:22 PM, Blogger Chick said...

Your insight never fails to amaze me.

I've been beating myself up about not dealing with my own baggage sooner...& now I'm trying to drag around only a carry on too...blech...it IS hard work...but worth it...like you said.

I hope it all works out for you.

 
At 8:42 PM, Blogger Theresa said...

Chick - I hope you stop beating yourself up. I'm a firm believer than you deal with your crap when you're ready. You've always been an amazing person. The fact that you strive to be better is even more proof of that.

 
At 11:59 AM, Anonymous oiopuu said...

i want to see some ass

 

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