Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Holiday Report

Parties: Two Alka Seltzer, please. My, my, my, I feel like a fat, bloated idiot. After today, I need a break until Ground Hog’s Day.

Kisses: Did I get my wish for a month of kissing?
Not quite … it was more like a smattering of kisses hither and thither.
Who? When? Where?
Ha! Silly, silly people! You know me better than that. It’s none of your damn business! Hot Chiks don’t kiss and tell.

Biggest Accomplishment: I once again reign as the Balderdash champion! Proof, beyond a doubt that I’m a masterful liar. I sometimes wonder what might have become of me if I’d used my remarkable skills for more profitable, self-serving means rather than simply playing games and telling stories. Imagine how wealthy I would be if I were unscrupulous. Damn my parents for raising me right! Who needs virtue and decency when you have a great car and a bidet?

Practical Survival Tip: If you’re homeless and it’s colder than a witch's tit outside, and the shelter house can’t let you stay with them because you’re drunk off your ass, it’s a good idea to go downtown and raise hell until you get arrested. Spending a night or two in jail is better than dying of hypothermia. The jail is heated and they’ll feed you.

Food: Did I mention that I feel like a fat, bloated idiot? Why do all my friends have to be such good cooks? And why do I have to stick everything they give me in my mouth?
Honestly, I’m so sick of food. I’m actually looking forward to returning to my regular diet of cereal, fruit cocktail and Slimfast. Just hand me a fist-full of Rolaids and roll me into the gym.

Blogger Rendezvous: During the past 2 years, I’ve had the great fortune of meeting several fantastic people from blogland in-person. This month, I was lucky enough to meet TWO blog-world friends. I thought these two friends would be just as wonderful as the others, and indeed, they both exceeded my expectations in their own delightful ways. I wish we could do it again tomorrow.

Strangest Flirtation: Yesterday at church, DURING the service, some guy was checking me out. I was very confused. In fact, I actually did a nipple check to make sure I wasn’t showing through my sweater. Nope. It wasn’t me. Geez! Why couldn't he wait until afterwards and get me a cup of coffee and a donut hole like a semi-normal person? I swear, some of those church boys are real freaks.

Favorite Presents Given: Jesus Bandages. Tom Waits, Orphans.

Favorite Presents Received: My number one Hot Chik at work got me a subscription to Ready Made magazine (check it out if you like to make stuff). MonkeyMan gave me the book I wanted, What is the What. I know it’s emotionally heavy stuff, but I can’t wait to dig into it.

Fashion Question of the Month: How old is too old for knee socks?
Follow-up Question: If I have a skinned knee, is it tacky to wear a Jesus Bandage with a skirt?

New Year's Eve Plans: Stay home and ponder the many exciting possibilities that lie ahead.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

A Thousand Beautiful Things

Annie Lenox released BARE a couple years ago. As soon as I got my hands on it, I listened to it again and again for months on end. This is music I can relate to. Maybe it has something to do with being a woman. But not just that. It’s also about being a woman who has been around the block a few times.

BARE is a collection of extraordinary songs that reflect genuine experience. The lyrics sometimes paint the author as heartbroken, not so much in a romantic way, but in a needy, desperate, hungry way. Other songs expose her transparent bitterness to mask the fear and pain of love. The last track is literally a beseeching prayer asking for help with the mess she’s created in her life.

Oh god
Now where do I come in?
Gone and broken everything
So I hope you'll understand
if someone needed a helping hand
It must be now
It must be now

Not since I was an emotionally volatile teenager listening to the angst-soaked lyrics of typical pop music, have I felt such empathy with music. Lenox shares a wisdom that only comes with hard earned and often painful experience. I know there are a lot of other musicians creating wonderful stuff too. However, this particular album continues to speak to me. I listened again the other day and found myself moved to tears before the end of the first track. It’s my favorite because it speaks a frequent prayer of my own.

Every day I write the list
Of reasons why I still believe they do exist
~ a thousand beautiful things ~
And even though it's hard to see
The glass is full and not half empty
~ a thousand beautiful things ~
So... light me up like the sun
To cool down with your rain
I never want to close my eyes again
Never close my eyes
Never close my eyes

I thank you for the air to breathe

The heart to beat
The eyes to see again
~ a thousand beautiful things ~
And all the things that's been and done
The battle's won
The good and bad in everyone
~ this is mine to remember ~
So ...
Here I go again
Singin' by your window
Pickin' up the pieces of what's left to find

The world was meant for you and me

To figure out our destiny
~ a thousand beautiful things ~
To live
To die
To breathe
To sleep
To try to make your life complete
~ yes, yes ~
So ...
Light me up like the sun
To cool down with your rain
I never want to close my eyes again
Never close my eyes never close my eyes ...
That is everything I have to say
~ that's all I have to say ~

Monday, December 11, 2006

Blogging about Blogging

One of the benefits of making friends in blog-space is how limitless it seems. This strange and wonderful little place allows us to meet people from all over the world. Likewise, from those thousands and thousands of global blog-inhabitants, we can choose very carefully the kind of people we care to spend our time with. It's different than making friends within our finite neighborhoods or small group of co-workers. Here, we're able to choose the most fitting friends rather than fit ourselves to those around us.

Additionally, in the blogosphere we can be who we want to be. In fact, we can even dare to be our true and genuine selves. And as we do so, we’re also free to respond to others. Or maybe we just watch and listen; we can even stare without seeming rude.

This way of meeting can also remove some of the superficial judgments we make about one another. It's true that some of us post photos, but anyone knows that a snapshot or two can't really show how someone appears in everyday life. In the end, those who read our thoughts are forced to judge us primarily by what we say rather than the style of our hair, the sound of our voice, the street we live on, or the balance in our bank account.

Email/Blog friendships also remind me of the way people used to communicate decades ago before telephones and affordable speedy transportation. Folks would write letters to one another. In fact, when I was little, my Grandmother made me practice penmanship while she lectured about the importance of good letter writing skills. She assured me that it would have an impact on my future social and business relationships. Back in the day, people would even court one another through written correspondence. Sometimes a couple wouldn't even meet until the wedding had been planned. So why does it surprise us when we develop remarkable fulfilling friendships, and even, every so often, fall in love in blogland?

I've made some phenomenal friends during my 2+ years in this space. You've added to the richness and beauty of my life. Thank you.

"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart."
Helen Keller

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Where are All the Good Men?

Fuck Her Gently

This is a song
for the ladies
but fellas... listen closely

You don't have to fuck her hard
in fact sometimes that's not right to do..
Sometimes u got to make some love
and fuckin give her some smooches too..
Sometimes you got to squeeze..
Sometimes you got to say "Please"..
Sometimes you gotta say "Hey,"
"I'm gonna fuck you.. softly"
"I'm gonna screw you gently"
"I'm gonna hump you sweetly"
"I'm gonna ball you discreetly"
and then you say "Hey, I brought you flowers"
and then you say "Wait a minute Sally,"
"I think I got sometin' in my teeth could you get it out for me?"
That's fuckin' teamwork!
What's your favorite posish?
That's cool with me, It's not my favorite but I'll do it for you.
What's your favorite dish?
I'm not gonna cook it but I'll order it from ZANZIBAR!
And then I'm gonna love you completely
Then I'll fucking fuck you discreetly
and then I'll fuckin bone you completely
but then I'm gonna fuck... you hard.....

Tenacious D

Thursday, December 07, 2006


Our adorable Queen of Geeks, hott little brainiac friend, Spin-Doc, tagged me with the recent meme virus: 6 weird things about me.

Thinking of weird things is difficult. My own personal assessment is that I’m fairly ordinary. Thankfully, other people tend to be open about their feedback with me. I’ve decided to list a few things that have garnered reactions like, "Oh my god! Are you kidding?"

  1. I didn’t shave my legs from 1996 to 2004. Why? Because during those years, I was going to grad school, working full time, and during much of that period, had anywhere between two and four lovers. I was BUSY!!! I didn’t have time to bother with stubble. I decided that nice soft leg hair was a kinder option.
  2. During the last few years I've simplified my life. I wake up in the morning around 6am but I don’t have to be to my office until 10am. I live 0.8 miles from work. I’m rarely early and I’m late at least once a week. What do I do with all that time? You know … ummm ... stuff, I guess.
  3. I own my home. My car is paid off. I have a house full of things. Yet, in all these years, with all my abundant resources, I STILL haven’t managed to get myself a couch. Wanna come over to watch movies this weekend? … as long you don’t mind sitting on the floor … okay, okay, stop whining. Since you’re the guest, you can sit in the chair.
  4. Over-the-counter sleep meds make me hyper. Coffee helps me focus. Damn freaks with ADHD!
  5. When I was in elementary school, I was the dumb kid. I wasn’t very cute either. I learned to make people laugh in order to avoid becoming a social pariah. One of the things I did was an interpretation of a Lithuanian Troll. I can still do it. It’s weird, but you’d laugh, maybe more so now.
  6. I’m a fantastic cook, but I NEVER cook for myself … NEVER. When it’s just me, dinner is generally a can of fruit cocktail or a bowl of soup. However, if I’m cooking for anyone else, I go crazy in the kitchen.

I’m not tagging anyone because I’m late. It’s my day off but I’m supposed to be leaving town to visit a friend who is really depressed and needs someone to make her laugh. I still need to pack, pick up groceries to make dinner tonight, and shave my legs. If I get there in time, we’re going to Crate and Barrel to shop for a couch.

Need more coffee!!!

Saturday, December 02, 2006

All I Want For Christmas

It’s Christmastime and my lips are feeling festively impetuous. I want to spend the next month kissing someone nonstop. I’m not sure if it’s my earnest love of kissing or my persistent desire for a particular person that’s causing my smoochy holiday restlessness. Regardless, it would be nice to get some face-mashing action sometime soon. If it doesn't happen, I may start wearing a hat made of mistletoe.

I’m fairly certain that kissing is my very favorite thing in the world to do. After all, what can compare to excited mouths joined in a rhythmic reciprocity creating the most delicious sensations? And with so many kinds of kisses, one could kiss for a very long time without it becoming the least bit tiresome or dull.

How about a kiss sweet with trepidation, with warm shallow breaths escaping between a delicate trembling brush of buttery softness?

Or maybe furiously eager appetites creating devouring kisses rich with fervent passion. Don't hold back! Sometimes you really SHOULD get carried away.

Perhaps you bathe a lover’s body in hundreds of tender kisses, your lips caressing, exploring, and memorizing every inch of succulent skin. I'm always torn. Is it better to give or to receive?

And then there are those extraordinary heart-stopping kisses. I'm thinking of the intense, soulful kisses that transcend familiar language. We could speak the words I love …, I adore … , I desire … I need YOU, but the perfect kiss says it so much better. These are the kisses we keep in our heart. We sigh longingly when we recall them days, weeks, or even years later.

Yes, after mulling it over a bit, I think I’d like to kiss my way through the holidays this year. I actually own the hat in the picture at the top of this post. The only problem is that I think it might be a bit subtle for my ardent purposes.
What do you think?