Saturday, March 31, 2007

Deja Vous

"… there isn't a day that passes that I don't think about you. I'm sure you find that hard to believe, but it’s true. We did have something, and given that you never really left my thoughts, one might argue it hasn't gone away.

Basically, what happened is that I got scared. Our last morning together, I had this overwhelming anxiety attack. It was a terrible thing to do to you, but I was afraid. I have no explanation other than that. Afraid of all the implications … afraid of the future … afraid of the past … afraid of what everything we had become meant. I was, and probably still am, an emotional wreck, and I ran away in fear. It's really hard to explain, and I know it sounds weird.

What is really bizarre is that I can still remember the exact moment it happened. We had just gotten up. I still think about the night we spent together leading up to it. We had made love what 4, 5, 6 times that night? We had spent the entire night naked and embraced together. I was dead tired, but it was incredible. You had walked to the bathroom. You were naked. The bathroom light was the only light on in the room. We were talking and you hesitated outside the bathroom door, and I was looking at you admiring your nakedness in the light illuminating your body. You looked almost god-like. It was an incredibly beautiful instant that is still burned in my memory. And suddenly, in the next moment it hit me … an intense feeling of anguish. And it was that moment that I instantly decided to run. Why? I don't know. I just ran because it felt like the thing to do."

~ ~ ~

Maybe some of us are simply meant to be alone.