Monday, January 24, 2005

The Whining, Complaining & Belly-Aching Shall Cease! So, Says SHE

Okay folks, I have been reminded over and over again that women hold the "start / stop /pause" controls on sex. As long a girl isn't specific about Who, What, When, Where, and Why, this is true. With a crisp snap of my Love Goddess fingers, I could have one of any number of said gentlemen on his knees before me, waiting for the green light and step-by-step instructions as to how I wish to be pleased. Hmmm … a Devine Thought is coming to me ... perhaps I need a specially designed satin covered Cunniligus Throne with a pretty little hook to keep my shiny red riding crop at the ready. It should have several reclining positions and a padded kneeling bench for ... ummm, "worshipping". Doesn’t it make you a little light-headed with lofty fantasies? …


Ahem, what was I saying? Ah, yes, however, there are emotional complications like feelings of attraction, affection, and even LOVE. There are often such practical complications like travel and work schedules. Add into that the possible ethical intricacies of defining what the sex means to each of the people involved and whether silly games are being played or third party entanglements are to be considered, etc. It’s a wonder anyone ever has sex at all.

In my own particular situation, I’ve been complaining and belly-aching about having launched a campaign to make 2005 the Year of Cunnilingus, only to realize that I’m not to be a participant – as of this date. I’ve decided to hell with it! I am going to enjoy YOUR cunnilingus instead.

Perhaps I should explain that just a bit more.

What I mean is, instead of focusing on my personal deficit, I am going to be singularly happy and joyful for Ed & Sue, Jay & Kitti, Lu & Steve, Opaco & Lamby and everyone else who’s getting the muffin-lickin’ & lovin’ they so richly deserve. It’s not as if I’ve never known this sweet joy myself. In fact since the campaign began, I’ve spent some time thinking about how fortunate I’ve been to have memories of truly rich and rewarding love affairs. Perhaps this is why I’ve been determined to be very wise in choosing my next lover.

So what does The Love Goddess look for in a lover? (assuming male)

  1. He must have a belly (of any particular shape and size).
  2. He will be enthusiastic about cunnilingus.
  3. He will be intelligent and articulate.
  4. He will laugh at my jokes.
  5. He will not make fun of my hair in the morning (at least not very much).
  6. He will be honest and genuine.
  7. He will understand when I have to leave on tour as a Roadie Ho in Opaco’s new band.
  8. He will make appreciative sounds when I do things that make him feel good.
  9. He will not stifle my appreciative sounds when he does things that make me feel good.
  10. He will kiss my neck a lot.
  11. He will never lick my ears (that would be the Turn-Off Button).
  12. He will love my new wrinkle, oops, I mean laugh-line.
  13. He will never make me listen to any songs from the musical Oklahoma.
  14. He will be mesmerized by my 40-year old breasts - same age as the rest of me (Average Joe claims this means he's not a creep).
  15. He will embrace my exuberance and zest for life (really, it’s nothing to be afraid of).
  16. Extra Bonus Points for flowers. I get sappy for flowers.

Who knows when this new lover of mine will come along. When he does, I'll be in a very good humor from all of my celebrating of other people's good times.

*My decision to be particularly selective does not discount the brilliant concept of the Cunnilingus Throne. It so happens the Love Goddess has a vast array of carpentry-related power tools in her garage. If anyone is free next weekend, I could use some help with my next project.


At 10:04 AM, Blogger Larry Jones said...

This list is not unreasonably specific. There must be, like, 800 guys right in your town who will fit.

At 12:12 PM, Blogger Chick said...

If I had any...carpentry skills...I'd help you out with the throne...oh yes I would.

The word worshipping stands out to me here. I love it & everyone deserves it.

I share in your appreciation of everyone's joy.

Your list is awesome & I agree with it ear licking?! Really?

At 2:17 PM, Blogger Glorious Nonsense said...

Ick. Ear licking. I agree. Now nibbling is a whole other ball of (ear) wax...

At 9:22 PM, Blogger Goldfish Shoals said...

You never want to be a groupie for my band. If I had a band. I feel so insecure, now.

At 10:53 PM, Blogger John Q. Public said...

Baby, I was toast after reading the first paragraph. A satin covered Cunnilingus Throne with a hook to hold your shiny red riding crop?

I've been a bad, bad boy.

Perhaps I need a spanking.

At 11:29 PM, Blogger Jay said...

Sorry, Jay and Kitti haven't been quite living up to the "year of" hype. She seems to like fingers more than tongue this month. Plus we're misconnecting a bit.

But all that said I do pretty well on the list except for 1 (belly is pretty small), 16 (with joint accounts it just seems wasteful), and I'd have to try hard to avoid 11.


At 12:14 AM, Blogger theresa said...

Larry - If I were a sensitive girl, I might take your comment to mean that there must be something wrong with me if I'm not getting any action. Hmmm... 800 guys? Really? That's like one a week for 15 years. I'll only be 55 before I have to move to another town.

Chick - Maybe you could just help by standing around looking sexy in a tool-belt and a pair of safety goggles. We would definitely get a discount at the lumber yard.

Chick and Glorious - Some men simple can't stay away from the ear-lickin' no matter how often you say, "PLEASE, lick me anywhere else but there!". I propose, Chik takes all the Ear-Lickers and Glory-Non and I take all the Other-Lickers.

Goldfish - I don't want to hear you complain about me not groupie-ing all over your sweet ass. I parked my lawn chair in front of a ticket counter for 3-days to get into your show. When the ticket booth opened, the guy was like, "Sorry L-Goddess, she was infiltrated and had to split. The show's been cancelled." I think I broke my lawn chair slamming it in the trunk of the car.

Damn Joe, as often as you've tortured me, I owe you. Besides, you must know by now that I could do so much better if properly motivated. Yes indeed, a proper spanking would do you some good. Didn't I read somewhere that you were going to be all alone this week?

At 12:23 AM, Blogger theresa said...

Jay - I love the flat bellies too!
The most important thing is that you and Kitti are having fun with one another.

At 12:59 AM, Blogger John Q. Public said...

Yes, my dear, I'm all by my lonesome this week until Monday evening.

Just to set matter straight, a riding crop falls into the "good pain" category.

At 1:12 AM, Blogger Larry Jones said...

>...I might take your comment to mean that there must be something wrong with me if I'm not getting any action...<

I didn't mean that. I meant, it's only January and you're giving up on The Year of Cunnilingus alreday, when there's probably 800 suitable guys waiting to deliver to your, ah, door.

Also, throw out the roadblocks posed in your paragraph above that begins with "Ahem, what was I saying?" There is not enough time to solve all these issues in advance. Licking first, questions later, right?

At 1:39 AM, Blogger theresa said...

Sorry for giving you a hard time, Larry. I know I should have more patience and realize I have a lot of options.

I don't think ignoring the "Ahem" paragraph altogether is wise. That's pretty much what 2004 was all about. Lots of sex, but not necessarily good sex. Many complications, and gut-wrenching heart-break.

I like your licking idea though. Why do all the ones I like so much have to live so goddamn far away? And why do I live in a frigid wasteland?

At 1:52 AM, Blogger Ed said...

I think I could do pretty well with that list. I hate ear licking too. But as Glorious Nonsense said, nibbling/biting of ear lobes is different - hopefully it is for you too? Maybe little bites all over the body before licking....

At 1:55 AM, Blogger theresa said...

Ummm, Go Ed!

At 10:23 AM, Blogger Larry Jones said...

>...Why do all the ones I like so much have to live so goddamn far away?<

This is not my fault. We have this problem, even in Paradise.

At 10:45 AM, Blogger Lu said...

I feel compelled to add an explanation about the place T and I live in. See, it is a college town--not just any college town, but one with an inordinate amount of eye-candy (of both sexes). There is also an inordinate number of men here who prefer to waste their time fucking their way through as many coeds as possible. That shortens the line of 800 quite a bit.

This town is also "the Cultural Mecca of the Midwest," having more library cards and advanced college degrees per capita than any other city in the US. This shortens the line for two more reasons: 1) many of the sexy, educated men (with bellies) are too busy to seek alternate amusement, and 2) there are more delicious, sexy, educated women who provide a little competition.

Still, I really, really like it here and would rather live here than just about anywhere else.



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