Friday, April 29, 2005

Stupid Theresa Story # 2:

Is That Your White Girl in the Pile of Coats?

This is the second of the Stupid Theresa Stories. Don't worry, I honestly don’t think I’m stupid. But damn if I haven’t had my head up my ass once or twice as a little challenge to that statement. The following story is probably about the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever done.

The first University I attended was in my hometown. The only reason I went there was because I was heavily recruited by the music department and they offered me a scholarship. I studied music until it became blatantly apparent to everyone that I’m a people-person and keeping me trapped in a practice room for 6 hours a day for the next 4 years was nothing short of torture.

The following year I transferred to a small liberal arts college outside Chicago. I lived in the dorms and my roommate was a black woman from a predominantly black neighborhood on the south side of Chicago. You couldn’t have found two Americans with more diverse backgrounds to put in a room together. Generally we got along great and I found the experience fascinating.

Missy had a great sense of humor. One of her favorite things to joke about was Me. In particular, she liked to make shit of how naïve I was; how there were more people living on her block than there were in my whole town; and how few Street Smarts I had compared to Book Smarts … Oh, and I can’t forget about her very favorite subject: my White Hot Virginity. Hey! Doesn’t everyone love to have their virginity discussed at length in the dormitory cafeteria on Casserole Night? But, despite it all, she was funny and I’m generally a good sport. We were good friends and spent a lot of time together.

As Thanksgiving rolled around, I realized I was short of cash and enormously busy with dozens of projects. There was no way I was going to be able to go home to be with my family. Missy came to my rescue and invited me to spend the holiday with her family in the City. I was very excited to meet all the people she’d been talking about throughout the semester.

On Thanksgiving day, Missy borrowed a school van to drive in to Chicago for dinner. As she drove, she explained that white people don’t go into her neighborhood. but since I was with her everything would be okay. It was then that I realized that this holiday probably wouldn’t be like the traditional Norwegian Lutheran Thanksgivings back home in Cedar Falls, Iowa.

Missy continued the tour by pointing out the places where different gangs had fought over territory. Her own boyfriend had just been released from prison after serving a sentence for manslaughter. He was an officer in one of the gangs. I’d met him once and liked him, but I hated his friends who were always pawing at me and offering to help me out with my virginity problem. Missy and I clearly came from very different places, but what mattered was that we were friends and her family had welcomed me to their home.

As we pulled up in front of Missy’s Mama’s house, I took a deep breath and tried to remember all the manners I needed to be a guest in someone’s home. I knew that people would probably be watching me and I didn’t want to be rude or insulting. I found out how much I was being watched when I stepped out of the van.

As soon as I heard the van door close, two children across the street hollered for their mother and ran inside "Mama, there’s a white lady outside. MaaaMaaaaaa!"

Missy and I both laughed and I followed her up the porch steps and into the foyer of her childhood home. The house was already full when we entered, and there were many greetings and introductions. I was cautious and paid attention to how other people did things. I was hoping to be allowed to observe before being put in the spotlight, however apparently I was too new to ignore. Once the greetings were passed around and the coats were collected, all eyes were on me.

Frantically, my mind searched for the right and proper thing to do. AHA! Gratitude and compliments about Missy’s Mama’s home.

I cleared my throat and said,
"Thank you for inviting me to join your family today. Your home is beautiful. It’s a warm and inviting place to spend the Holiday."

… And I should have shut the fuck up because that was exactly enough to say. But instead, I decided to insert my big head into my equally big ass in front of a room full of strangers … wait, not exactly a room full of strangers … These were the people Missy had been telling what a naïve twit I was during the previous three months. To prove her right, I kept talking ...

Without even bothering to look at a photo on the wall, I turned to Missy and said, "Is that a picture of your Dad?"

The room went perfectly silent … and then the belly laughs started … and then Missy got to make her big announcement, "See
what I mean about this girl? She is the whitest girl I have ever met in my life!"

I turned to look at the photo on the wall again. When the image finally registered in my brain, all the blood left my face and I became even whiter. Indeed my friends, it was a picture of Dr. Martin Luther King.

I spent the next few hours nodding and staring at my feet while I took all the jibing that I richly deserved. It wasn’t so bad, and overall it turned out to be a great day. In fact, later in the evening I ended up making-out with Missy’s gorgeous brother on a pile of guest coats in the back bedroom. I highly recommend copious amounts of kissing and groping with an Airforce Hottie as a remedy for almost any incident involving humiliation.

When I think about that story, I wonder if they still remember it and laugh like I do?

You’d think this kind of thing wouldn’t happen to a girl who was once Black … but that’s a whole
other story .

Monday, April 25, 2005

Las Vegas Highlights

I tend to be a gal who’s fairly aware of her strengths and weaknesses. As such, we accentuate the shoulders so the ass looks smaller, wear the same color from top to bottom for a slimming effect, match our shoes and handbag for special occasions, and thank the Goddess of Undergarments (
Cricket) for the plunge bra!

Las Vegas was a whole new experience in fashion. I was completely blown away by what I saw. In fact, a couple times I thought my corneas were going to shatter. People will wear anything and everything … or practically nothing. Sometimes that's a really good thing! Some of those women are phenomenally gorgeous! Likewise, it was a beautiful thing to see ordinary looking people feeling confident enough with their bodies to be out and about in head-to-toe spandex. However, as I was walking through the slot-machine area of the hotel to get my morning coffee yesterday, I found myself walking behind a not-so-gorgeous woman who was sporting a healthy 3 inches of butt-crack.

My corneas may need a surgical intervention.

FRIENDS: Mateo & Mary
Our friends, Mateo & Mary have lived in Las Vegas for about a year. It was great to see them, and they were the best tour guides of all time! Mateo is the kind of guy who gets so excited to see you that he picks you up and won’t put you down for a really long time. He also has a nice habit of kissing my neck when he hugs me. (If you live in Las Vegas and you need insurance, Mateo is the guy to see. Heart of gold!!!)

Mary is funny as shit! She’s an 8th grade teacher, and everyone knows that having a healthy sense of humor is the only way to survive the 8th grade. One of the charming things Mary was telling us about the 8th graders in Las Vegas has to do with the advertisement cards people pass out on the street. If you’ve never been to LV, there are dozens of people on the street all day and all night passing out little cards with naked pictures of women on them. These cards advertise the services of such women. According to Mary, the 8th grade boys collect these cards and trade them, much like folks used to collect and trade baseball cards in days of yore.

"Hey Jimmy, I’ll trade you two Mimi’s for a Veronica."

"Naw! The Mimi’s have the nipples star-ed out. Veronica is uncensored, Dude! You gotta do better than that."

Gee, I wonder if this will have any effect on how these young men view the women in their lives?

Big Bad Voo Doo Daddy was a fabulous show. The Showtime reps took really good care of us and they even had extra tickets for Mary and Mateo. My pink high heels and twirly skirt were a hit! Look for me in the Showtime Magazine.

Note: If I ever find myself in Las Vegas again, I will only pack comfortable shoes. Damn there’s a lot of walking, AND damn, they like to get you drunk. Yes … I fell on my ass. The ass is fine, the pride is recovering.

One of the treasures I found was a gorgeous little pleated silk skirt for (drum roll please) ten dollars!!! I wore it the last night we were there, and it was perfect.

After watching the water show at the Bellagio, I was pooped and decided to walk back to the hotel by myself. It was a fairly breezy night so I was paying a bit of attention to the skirt. However, about half way down the escalator between the Bellagio and Cesar’s Palace, a crazy wind came out of nowhere and blew that light little silk skirt all the way up to my shoulders. I managed to keep it down in the front, but everyone behind me got the full view. Boy, was I glad I went with the bikini panties and not the thong that I had originally picked out … although the panties were mesh in the back, so I’m not sure how much good they did me.

While I was sitting in the airport waiting to board the plane, I heard the following announcement:

"Would the passenger who left his false teeth and hearing aid in the Men’s Restroom please report to the Information Desk. (Pause) If you can hear this, (laughing) would the passenger who left his false teeth and hearing aid in the Men’s Restroom please report to the Information Desk."

I Shit You Not!

*Geesh! When you think about it, that would totally suck. I hope the guy got his stuff back.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Gone Fishin' - In Las Vegas ?

Monkey-Man won a trip to Las Vegas (on Showtime's dime)
He's taking me with him. So, I kinda won a trip too! He also posted something really funny on his blog. Go take a lookie.

Also, we've got Big Bad Voodoo Daddy tickets Saturday Night. Hooray!!! Sounds like a good place to wear my pink high heels and new short three layered twirly skirt (not too many places to wear such things in Iowa). But, at the same time, doesn't everybody need a twirly skirt?

And, we also get to see our dear friends who moved there last year.

This whole week I've been feeling on top of the world!
Maybe it's the trip. Maybe it's spring. Maybe it's something else.

Message for the day:
I Love Everybody and You're Next!

P.S. See ya Sunday

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Real True Love

I went out for a drink with my friend Andrea last Friday. I mentioned her a few months ago because she was dealing with one of the most difficult things a person will ever deal with in their lives. She was watching her husband die. And then he did die.

Since then, I’ve spent a lot of time wondering about how she makes it thorough her days. We talk almost every day, and she talks about Dale, but I never knew much about him before he got sick. When we went out last Friday, she was generous enough to share with me their love story.

Andrea and Dale met on a blind date 13 years ago. It was after Andrea had already endured a crappy marriage and an even crappier live-in relationship. She was living on her own and feeling good about herself when a friend suggested she meet this sweet man that would be perfect for her.

They went on a date and hit it off well. They hit it off so well that Andrea thought to herself, "This is the man I’m going to marry." The next day when her sister and mother asked about the date, she was so confident with her feeling that she told them the same thing.

Andrea and Dale had another date a few days later. At the end of the date, Dale asked her if she’d told her family about him. She said, "Yes, and I told them that you’re the man I’m going to marry." Instead of being startled or running away like many men would, Dale proposed to her on the spot. They were married a few months later. If cancer hadn’t stolen his life away, I’m certain they’d be together forever.

Andrea told me that in the 12 years they were together, they never had a single argument. Their relationship was loving, and supportive. They trusted one another unconditionally. She added, "I was really lucky to have those 12 years."

I’m totally in awe of her.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

2nd Wave Blog-A-Thon Victims

Thank you for your interest and patience. I'm looking forward to reading your answers.


Your Fairy Love Goddess graces you with a magical swat on the rump with the Little Red Riding Crop. Once the euphoria subsides, you realize that you feel kind of different. When you investigate, you discover that you’ve been transformed into a woman. You will only stay this way for 24 hours. What do you plan to do? What do you hope to learn?

What’s the most generous thing someone has ever done for you? What about it was meaningful?

People tend to think of men in terms of dogs and women in terms of cats. With this in mind, describe yourself as a dog.

Would you rather have sex with 100 slightly above average women, or with one exquisite woman 100 times. Why?
(Note: this question is relative to your personal ideals of what’s sexually appealing)

If you were given the opportunity to see how and when you kick the bucket by peeking into the future and watching the last 5 minutes of your life, would you look? Explain


Your Fairy Love Goddess graces you with a magical swat on the rump with the Little Red Riding Crop. Once the euphoria subsides, you notice three people standing before you. One is your son when he’s a 21-year old man. The second is your mother when she was pregnant with you. The third is yourself when you were 12 years old. You are allowed to say a few words to each of them before they vanish. What do you say?

People tend to think of men in terms of dogs, and women in terms of cats. With this in mind, describe yourself as a cat.

When we were teenagers, a lot of us made over-dramatic promises like "I’d rather die than drive a mini-van." Many of us grew up and broke that promise because we realized pragmatism often outweighs looking cool.
What else did you promise yourself you would never do as an adult?
Which promises did you keep? Which did you break?

One of the things I admire about you is your dedication to keeping your brother’s memory alive. What are five things you hope your loved ones will always remember about you after you’re gone?

How long do you have to know a guy before you feel okay about farting around him? Explain.

Kelebek }{

1. ~ (This is a repeat, but it’s my favorite, so you’re getting it too)
Your Fairy Love Goddess graces you with a magical swat on the rump with the Little Red Riding Crop. Once the euphoria subsides, you suddenly have one singularly exquisite talent. Choose from the following:
~ You develop a set of pipes that elevate you to Supreme Hot Chik of all Hot Diva Chiks.
~ You write a novel that makes James Joyce crawl from the grave to bow at your feet.
~ You become the greatest thing to happen to the dance world since Michael Flatley.
~ You create physical works of art that set all the hottest galleries in an all-out biting-scratching-hair-pulling war over you.
~ You grace the stage with stirring dramatic performances that leave devoted audiences breathless with each and every flawless locution.

Which talent do you choose and why?

You are implicated in a serious crime that you didn’t commit. You have no defense and it appears that you will be convicted. A friend suggests that you lay all the blame on someone else. This particular scapegoat is conveniently dead. Do you lie about a dead person in order to secure your freedom? Why? / Why not?

You’re a hard working student with a lot of pressure. It seems like there’s never enough time to get everything done. If you were given the flexibility to add hours to your days whenever you had a time-crunch, would you do so? Oh, but there’s a catch. For every hour you use now, you have to subtract two hours from the end of your life. Explain why you would or wouldn’t use this power.

What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?

A mad billionaire scientist offers you $500,000 if you move to a beautiful tropical island for the next five years. The only catch? … During that time, you cannot see nor have any contact whatsoever with anyone you currently know. What would you do? Why?


Your Fairy Love Goddess graces you with a magical swat on the rump with the Little Red Riding Crop. Once the euphoria subsides, you see before you three unusual cocktails.
~ The first is a Potion of Love. If you drink it, you will meet your perfect match, fall blissfully in love, and live happily ever after.
~ The second is a Potion of Success. If you drink it, you will be extremely successful in your chosen vocation and earn the admiration, respect, and sometimes envy, of your colleagues.
~ The third is a Potion of Wisdom. If you drink it, you will feel at peace throughout your life, regardless of the difficulties you face. Irrational feelings of doubt and fear will be a thing of the past.
Which potion will you drink? Why? If you were choosing for your son, would you make the same choice?

What is "real true love"?

You’ve won a two-week, all-expense paid fantasy vacation. Where will you go and who will accompany you? Why?

Rank the following in order of most important to least important:
~ I trust people who do what they say they’re going to do.
~ I trust people who are most like me
~ I trust people who trust me
~ I trust people who can admit when they are wrong
~ I trust people who genuinely care about me
~ I trust people who can keep a secret
~ I trust people who I can count on when the going gets tough

What do you want for breakfast, and how do you take your coffee?

Saturday, April 16, 2005

The Blog-A-Thon Claims It's Next Victims

I've written 5 different questions for each person who asked to be interviewed. This was more difficult than I thought it would be, but it was also great fun! If anyone else still wants to participate, just leave a comment saying "interview me".


1. Your Fairy Love Goddess graces you with a magical swat on the rump with the Little Red Riding Crop and you suddenly have one singularly exquisite talent. Choose from the following:

  • You develop a set of pipes that elevate you to Supreme Hot Chik of all Hot Diva Chiks.
  • You write a novel that makes James Joyce crawl from the grave to bow at your feet.
  • You become the greatest thing to happen to the dance world since Michael Flatley.
  • You create physical works of art that set all the hottest galleries in an all-out biting-scratching-hair-pulling war over you.
  • You grace the stage with stirring dramatic performances that leave devoted audiences breathless with each and every flawless locution.
    Which talent do you choose and why?

2. Describe yourself using one word for each letter of the alphabet.

3. Every woman has a piece of jewelry that doesn’t have a high market value, but it’s priceless to her. What piece of jewelry is yours? Why?

4. A physically unattractive man approaches you with a proposition ... I know, eye-of-the-beholder, ya-da, ya-da, ya-da ... Needless to say, you're certain he lost a fight (face-first) with his lawn tractor. He offers you $500 per day for 7 days to pose as his girlfriend. There’s no hanky-panky and no kissing. All you have to do is go out with him, hold his hand in front of a few people he knows, and try to make it look realistic. Would you do it? Why? Why not?

5. You’ve won your fantasy vacation (all expenses paid), but you only have 15 minutes to pack and call a friend to water the plants and feed the cat while you’re gone. What are the absolute necessities that MUST go with you? You only have time to pack 20 items before the limo comes to take you to the airport, HURRY!!! ……………… (btw, where are you going? And, do they have lots of hotties there?)


1. Your Fairy Love Goddess graces you with a magical swat on the rump with the Little Red Riding Crop. As a result, your favorite childhood fantasy comes true. How does that change your current life?

2. What kind of underwear are you?
bikini ~ french cut ~ briefs ~ thong ~ boy shorts ~ Why?

3. Rank the following 7 attributes from most important to least important:
Beauty * Intelligence * Kindness * Wit

Integrity * Charisma * Sex Appeal
What was your reason for your first choice?
What was your reason for your last choice?

4. You deserve a break. Would you rather have a maid clean your house every day? A professional chef to prepare all the meals for the household? A chauffeur to drive you and your family everywhere? Or a masseuse to provide daily massage therapy? Why?

5. What’s the most fun you’ve ever had with your clothes on?


1. Your Fairy Love Goddess graces you with a magical swat on the rump with the Little Red Riding Crop and you are transformed into a superhero. What do you look like and what can you do?

2. We can’t go back and live our childhood over again, but what if you had the opportunity to give every child in the world a piece of wisdom from your experience? If you could share one thing with every child,
what would it be? Why is that thing important?

3. It may not be fair, but like it or not, all of us have our biases. What are yours?
What is your number one personality turn-on?
What is your number one physical characteristic turn-on? (don’t just say "a fine ass" describe "the fine ass")
What is your number one personality turn-off?
What is your number one physical characteristic turn-off?

4. If you could have the word "Laundry" tattooed in 12 point Times font anywhere you chose on your body in exchange for never having to do laundry again, would you do it? (note: all your laundry would always be clean, ironed and put away).
Explain. And if yes, where would you have "Laundry" put on your body?

5. A mad billionaire scientist offers you $500,000 if you will gain 25 pounds. The only catch … not only do you have to gain the weight, you also have to hang on to it for at least 5 years. If you fail, you have to give all the money back (with interest). What would you do?


1. Your Fairy Love Goddess graces you with a magical swat on the rump with the Little Red Riding Crop. You find yourself on the set of a TV sitcom loosely based on your life. What’s it called and what’s it all about? (how’s it doing in the ratings?)

2. You have the opportunity to meet one person, living or dead, for the purpose of telling him/her off. Who do you want to give a piece of your mind to? What would you say to him/her?

3. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? (why?) Would your partner choose the same thing? If not, what would he change about you? (why?)

4. You are offered a risk-free miracle drug. The drug has no negative side effects. Once a woman takes the drug she will have perfect hair, nails and make-up for the rest of her life. She will age gracefully and will always look like she just stepped out of the finest salon. The catch? Your hairstyle, nail color, and the way you wear your make-up cannot change once you take the drug. Would you take it? (explain)

5. Describe what’s on tonight’s dinner menu if food is you and your personality.


Coming Attractions: 5 Questions for Thomas, beginning with

1. Your Fairy Love Goddess graces you with a magical swat on the rump with the Little Red Riding Crop ...

Friday, April 15, 2005


These are my answers to the o-so-creative Blog-A-Thon questions that Cricket asked me. If you’re interested in reading her equally clever questions for the other participants, click on her name to visit her blog.

… so … what was the nature of the prank involving the green wig and lots and lots of fake crying?

Cricket was very kind not to ask me the other question from that post (she’s a gem!)

During my visit to Durham, J and I had a "girl’s day" while M was Mr. Responsible and went to work. We "girls" went to the spa and had facials, did lunch at a trendy little café and shopped & gossiped until our little tootsies were worn out. However, throughout the day, we played out a plan to surprise M with a little prank.

J called him at his office and told him that he was concerned about how I had let myself go and I was in desperate need of some help, particularly with my hair (of course, he pretended I was in the shower during the conversation). He told M that my hair was all nasty; the color was dull, it was out of shape and frizzy on the ends. As my friends they had a responsibility to intervene. M told J that he thought I looked fine and J should leave well enough alone, but J was insistent.

Throughout the day, J made several related phone calls to M telling him of his progress. He included a phone call telling him that he convinced Janet, the gal who cuts their hair, to get me in for an emergency appointment. The final phone call was J in hysterics telling M that Janet had messed everything up, my hair was a disaster, and I had locked myself in the bathroom. M was beside himself. He launched into a lecture reminding J that he shouldn’t have interfered.

When M came home I was in the bathroom fixing myself up with my favorite wig (the bright green pageboy). However, J told him that I’d been in there for over an hour crying my eyes out. M knocked on the door and gently suggested that it couldn’t be "all that bad". The sincerity in his voice mixed with my own evilness made me start laughing, so I had to turn it into a fake cry.

Finally, I told him I’d come out of the bathroom if he’d go into the next room and wait for me. When I came out and he saw me with that crazy wig on, he knew right away that we’d been pulling his leg all day. I think he was a bit miffed, but he was a really good sport about it. J has some great photos of M & I. I should see if he’ll send me one to post.

… if you could be the house cat or lap dog of any person on earth, whose would you choose to be? (why?)

Definitely Janine Garafelo! That woman treats her dogs like they are her precious little babies. She spoils them completely rotten. That’s the way I should be treated. Additionally, she’s funny, smart, gorgeous, and a total Hot Chik! Get outta my way and let me on her lap!

… if you could have had the staring role in one movie already made, which movie would you pick? (why?)

This is so hard. I love movies and a dozen come to mind.
Hmmm …

Glenn Close in Dangerous Liaisons? Great costumes and a chance to be nasty and evil.

Thelma and Louise? Either part would be great, but Gina Davis gets it on with Brad Pitt. Oh Yeah!
(Good grief, I’m like Pavlov’s dogs. I start salivating as soon as I type his name)

Mulan? I know it’s an animated movie, but it rocks! Mulan is a total Hot Chik!

When Harry Met Sally? Come on, who hasn’t wanted to do the orgasm scene in the diner? Mmmmm …. Oh yeah baby … like that … yeah … uh huh … oh … oh … god … oh god … OH GOD … OH, OH, OH, OH GOD! AHHHHhhhhhh . . . . .

In A Long Kiss Goodnight, Gina Davis gets to save Samuel L Jackson’s sorry ass over and over again. She’s practically a super-hero tough chik. That could be fun. I could also hurt ... moving on ...

The Wizard of Oz? It’s clearly one of the best films of all time, but where are the hotties?

Frances McDormand’s part in Fargo? Love this movie, and I can do the accent fairly well … I even know the difference between a Canadian accent and a Minnesotan accent. I’ve also got the collector snow globes. One has Francis kneeling down and barfing next to the over-turned car. The other has a leg sticking out of the wood-chipper. That one has red flecks mixed in with the snowflakes when you shake it.

A Fish Called Wanda? How many barrels of fun would I have being in the funniest damn movie with the funniest damn cast?

If I get to keep all the clothes, I have to say Renee Zellweger’s part in Down With Love. The movie is worth watching just for her outfits … and the fact that she’s cute as a bug in them. It co-Stars Ewan McGregor as her adorable love interest. He fits the role well and commands some genuinely funny moments. The movie is a playful romantic battle of the sexes story that makes fun of playful romantic battle of the sexes stories. Best of all, it drips from head to toe with rich and delicious campiness. And just when you think it can’t get any better, there are Wigs, dancing, and even more camp. But the kicker is that beneath all the clothes, wigs and silliness, it’s a redemption story. I can’t stay away from those things.

… would you enjoy an enormous fortune differently if you had inherited it rather than if you had earned it yourself? (why?)

Due to my professional experiences, I’ve had the good fortune of meeting people from many difference socio-economic classes. As for myself, I was raised by working class parents in a middle class neighborhood. My parents worked hard to make sure that we had everything we needed. They were also fortunate to have opportunities to earn a good living with their hard work and diligence.

I’ve met people who’ve worked hard and had life kick them in the teeth.

I’ve met people who are down and out and blame anyone and everyone for their sorry situation.

I’ve met folks who have it pretty easy because they worked hard previously to create an easy life for themselves.

I’ve met folks who have it pretty easy and think its because they deserve to have it easy.

My entire life would be different if I didn’t have the example of my father. He made John Deere tractors on 3rd shift in a factory foundry for 33 years. I never heard him complain about his job. He was glad for it because it paid well and he could provide for his family. Even though he could have moved to a 1st shift position after a few years, he preferred to stay on the overnight shift because it allowed him to be around when his children were around. He worked while we slept and he slept while we were at school. The rest of the time he was available to be our Dad.

I’d rather inherit a strong work ethic than bags of money, so I’m sure I’d rather earn my fortune.

… what’s your favorite kitchen utensil? why?

A spatula.

Spatula is one of my favorite words for no reason other than because it sounds cool when you say it. At the same time, it’s not a worthless piece of equipment. As a Master Baker (a little different than a masterbater), a good spatula is invaluable.

You should try my raspberry chocolate cheesecake. It’s almost too beautiful to eat!

Blog-A-Thon Instructions:

It will be my pleasure to interview the next however many people respond to this post who want to be interviewed.

Here’s how i
t works:

  1. Leave a comment saying "interview me" if you’d like to be interviewed.
  2. I’ll respond by asking you 5 questions here. They’ll be different than those above.
  3. Update your blog with your answers to the questions.
  4. When you do so, include this same explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same manner.
  5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you’ll ask them five new questions.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

When Hugs and Kisses are Icky

When my sister’s second son was born, I enjoyed him a lot. Lou was one of those sweet babes that loved human contact. As soon as you picked him up he would nestle in to a really comfy spot and be happy about being there. He was one big lovey ball of sweet baby-fat.

By the time he was a toddler, however, his personality had changed. He’d become shy around people he didn’t see very often. Since I was working a lot at the time, I only saw the boys about once every 3 or 4 months. It wasn’t enough to develop and maintain a trusting rapport with the little guy.

Lou’s shyness around me embarrassed my sister. She’d try to coax him to approach me, and she’d practically bribe him to give me hugs and kisses. That part troubled me. Every single time she did that I’d look at Lou and say, "You don’t have to hug & kiss me unless you want to. You never have to hug or kiss anyone that you don’t want to." He seemed relieved to be off the hook. However, even when I was direct, my sister never seemed to catch on.

When Lou was three and a half years old, my other sister got married. My family, including my niece and all my nephews were there, along with dozens of aunts, uncles, cousins and family friends. During the 3-day event, every time I saw Lou I greeted him warmly, but I always took my cue from him about physical contact. For most of the weekend his message seemed clear as he peered at me from behind his mother's legs.

Finally, on the morning of the third day, all my patience finally paid off. As I was helping to set up for brunch, I was body slammed from the side. Two little pudgy arms wrapped around my knees and Lou’s sweet face looked up at me. He shouted "Auntie T, You’re the Best One!" For the rest of that day, and many other visits thereafter, that was the greeting I received from Lou. I liked it. I never figured out exactly what he meant by The Best One, but I liked it anyway.

I have very strong opinions about how children should be treated. One of the things that bugs the shit out of me is when people make their kids hug and kiss other adults, especially when it’s clear that the kid’s not interested in doing so. It sends a message to children that they must comply with adults about showing affection. They learn that in order to please adults, they have to give up control of their bodies. In a world where there are menacing predators hunting for children, it’s downright dangerous.

Sexual predators look for children who are compliant and want to please adults. It’s impossible to know who a sexual predator might be. More often than not they are a trusted relative or friend. They’re very rarely creepy looking devils prowling neighborhoods in vans with skulls & crossbones painted on the side. In order for a sexual predator to be successful, he (she) has to be charming and gain the trust of the victim. He (she) has to look like an ordinary likeable guy.

I don’t have children of my own, but I’ve cared for a lot of other people’s children. For six years I operated a program for runaway and homeless youth. Almost 80% of the kids that participated in that program had been sexually abused before I met them. Although I couldn’t undo the hurt that had already been done to them, I did my best to create a safe place once they got there.

We can’t raise children in a bubble, but we can teach them to respect themselves and others. We need to teach every child that they own their body. They need to learn that sometimes it's okay to say "No" to a grown-up. All of us, including children, need to know that we don’t have to show affection unless we feel affectionate.

Hugs and kisses are supposed to make us happy.

Monday, April 11, 2005

Divine Thoughts from the Love Goddess

Hose Bag

In our society we have a lot of negative words to describe women who enjoy sex and assert themselves to find partners for sex. These words imply that there’s something wrong with the woman. She’s not as good as other women because of her experiences. There’s also an implication that she’s indiscriminate when choosing partners. She’s breaking the rules by not living up to her role as the gatekeeper of sex.

According to what I learned while growing up and from talking to others, women are supposed to have all the self-control. We’re not really supposed to like sex as much as men. Good girls say no because they want to be respected. Even if a woman likes sex a lot, she is supposed to deny her own desires in order to be good. Alternately, men are supposed to love sex and seek it out all the time.

Likewise, we don’t have the same kind of language for men. If you really want to make a grown man cry, you call him a Pussy. That creates a peculiar paradox for men who are particularly fond of pussies.

If men really want to have more sex with more women, they should be challenging every single instance when a woman is called a Slut. Any time a woman is called a Slut, whether she deserves to be called names or not, the double standard is perpetuated. Women might say yes more often if we weren't socialized to believe that it's wrong and we're bad if we do so. Men should be helping to change the rules.

The new rule should be:
Sluts are the BEST kind of women.

Or better yet, we could abolish all the rules that are different for men and women.

Even better, we could accept our individual differences and treat one another with dignity and respect.

While we're making rules, I'd like to suggest one more: Everyone will want to have sex with me.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Creepy Dreams

I don’t sleep very much. It’s a problem. When I do sleep, I can sleep through almost anything. It’s a deep, wonderful sleep with lots of dreamy dreams. I make noises too, including quite a bit of talking, especially if someone tries to wake me while I’m dreaming. The other day when Monkey Man woke me, I thanked him for the flowers. I must have been dreaming about Dick and his 150 roses.

Sometimes I have nightmares. They are very vivid. When that happens there can be crying and occasional screaming.

The scariest nightmare I ever had was really strange, but it felt so real that I can recall the intensity of the fear when I think about it. I was naked and strapped on my back to a big metal table. It was incredibly cold but I was powerless to do anything to warm myself. A grotesque little man was torturing me. He was burning me. It was Danny Devito dressed as the Penguin from the Bat Man movie. He was making toast and putting it on my belly as soon as it popped out of the toaster. It really hurt. I woke up screaming and crying. It took a long time before I felt fully awake and safe.

Sometimes it’s great to have a really vivid imagination. Other times … not so great.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

I’m a Total Sucker For a Dick

My favorite story of all time is A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens. I won’t tire of it even if I read it a hundred times and see every lame-ass version of it Hollywood can come up with (except the stupid musicals). The idea of someone being positively transformed by an honest look at their life, along with exposure to new people and new experiences, renews my sense of romantic optimism. Perhaps it’s naïve, but its how I prefer to view the world.

You don’t have to remind me that there are some really evil muther-fuckers out there. In fact, a few of them have had a crack at me. I also know that the rest of us have some amount of darkness lurking about hither and thither inside ourselves. Hell, even Jimmy Carter committed adultery in his mind. Still, I believe people are born good, and most of us strive to remain so our entire lives. I’ve come to the conclusion that part of my optimism is related to the way my ADHD brain works.

Lately, some of my ADHD symptoms have been really disrupting my life. In an effort to learn better coping strategies, and to keep my self-esteem from plummeting, I’ve been doing more research on the positive characteristics commonly found in people with ADHD. Some of these are definitely true for me. Others are a tad iffy:
  1. Enthusiastic (bingo!)
  2. Sense of humor (comes and goes)
  3. Creative (all good liars are creative)
  4. Hyper-focused (think about the sexual applications)
  5. Intuitive (YEP ! … and sometimes I’m the most clueless person in the room)
  6. Boundless energy (kids and dogs love me)
  7. Warm and compassionate (very important qualities for a Love Goddess)
  8. Flexible (very bendy, and I don't break easily)
  9. Quick to grasp essentials (if I like it)
  10. Good judge of character (or its magic that I attract the very best people as friends)
  11. Charming personality (Oh yeah! Bite my ass! *tee-hee*)
  12. Sensitive to surrounding environment (Nope. I'm oblivious)
  13. Easily forgives mistakes in others (been there, done that)
  14. Intense (is intensity considered a positive characteristic?)
  15. Interested in many things (and people)
  16. Passionate (hey sugar! wanna make out?)
  17. Willing to take risks (emotionally more often than physically)
  18. A perfectionist (why bother if its not perfect?)
  19. Fast thought process (uhhhh, what?)
  20. Tries to do better the next time (my Mantra: "Tomorrow, I’m gonna do better".)

As I look at the list, it occurs to me that when I add in the facts that I’m a big day-dreamer and somewhat emotionally immature, it makes sense that I embrace romantic notions about the true nature of most folks, even those who seem like big dicks. I’m not making any plans to change that part about me. It’s the disorganized, fidgety, always running late for appointments parts I want to make go away.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

Don't Mess With My Mom


My Mom won the mayoral election by a landslide!

The end result:
My Ass-Kickin' Mom - 87 votes
Her worthy opponent - 30 votes

Things will soon be changing in one tiny little Wisconsin town.
Remember my predictions?
Anyone hungry for pie?

Sunday, April 03, 2005

Shoe Shopping Emergency ! ! !

Calling All Hot Chiks !

My sweet sassy boy, J, is getting married at the end of May. I’m making a small flock of fabulous dresses in a black Dupioni silk for the other three bridesmaids and myself. The event will be classy, sophisticated and thoroughly Fab - Bu - Lous! The south will learn what a same-sex wedding really looks like without all the bullshit and stereotypes.

For those of you who don’t know, J is family to me even though we don’t share any legal kinship ties. We met while I was a counselor at a summer music camp when he was thirteen and I was twenty-three. For whatever cosmic reason, we became important to one another. He was my little brother, and sometimes even my son, as he struggled to reach adulthood through a toxic foster care system. As adults we’ve become peers (although sometimes for kicks I like to tell people I’m his Mom).

So now that he’s finally getting married, I’m supposed to forget about the nightmares that he put me through when he was a teenager. I’m supposed to ignore the fact that he blames ALL of his sluttiness on me. I’m supposed to pretend that it doesn’t bother me that he’s holding my favorite pair of black panties hostage, and he calls me randomly to tell me that he’s letting their Golden Retriever play with them in the back yard.

I’m supposed to make sure this little Man-Slut of mine has the perfect wedding!

We won't get very far without the perfect shoes ! ! !
This is where we need a Hot Chik intervention.
* No flats
* No stilettos
(it’s a wedding, not a dance club or a key party)

* Four women have to love them
* They must be classy, sophisticated and elegant

Thanks for your help.

Friday, April 01, 2005

Fake It Til You Make It

Yesterday I returned to work after having missed ONE ENTIRE DAY due to illness. I was still feeling like crap, and it was fairly clear to anyone who looked at me that everything evil and foul in the universe had taken residence in or about my respiratory system. Nevertheless, it was impressed upon me how pleased they were to see me back.

One has to admit that it’s good to be valued and feel needed. However, I was fairly certain that I, as a peon, have little to do with whether my Fortune 100 company survives on a daily basis. Apparently, I was wrong. They were happy to see me return so things would stop getting all fucked up. It doesn't make any sense. I swear people; I’m a PEON! When I got the job, I said, okay, I’ll take it, just as long as you promise me there is very little responsibility, and no opportunity for advancement.

So, I had my annual evaluation yesterday too. I already got my big raise a couple months ago, so it was just a feedback meeting, no raise. Guess what? I totally scored on ATTITUDE! My goal for the year was to have my evaluation say that I have a cheerful disposition. YES ! ! ! He said that I have a positive impact on other’s morale and I’m a leader and a role model. I have them totally faked out!

They have no idea what a mean-hearted, sinister, malignant, depraved bitch I really am. Wa ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaaa ! ! !