Thursday, November 18, 2004

Sex Police

As much as people talk about sex in this country, you'd think we'd be fucking experts ... literally. However dear friends, there are tragic offenses of BAD SEX happening every day. Unfortunately, I've been a victim of bad sex more than once. It was terrible. After the mind-numbing shock wore off, I was grumpy for days. I tried to make sense of the experience. There were delusional moments when I even blamed myself. In the end, I realized that there are some among us who pass themselves off as sexually adept, when in fact, they are Frauds. I've come to the conclusion that something must be done to rid the world of Bad Sex.

Our society should set quality standards for sex. When we gleefully enter into a sexual adventure, we should be able to do so with the confidence that our partner is everything he claims to be. In order to create such a society, those who do sex badly should be held accountable for their behavior. With clear standards and firm consequences, we could have the problem licked once and for all.

Just imagine a life where a sex partner is skilled and knowledgeable instead of a nervous gamble. You can believe him when he says he's going to satisfy you for hours. Imagine a life with no regrets about time wasted, and lonesome masturbation after the party has come to an end. In this new world, even if he turns out to be a dumbass, at least you can say the sex was great!

My Solution: Sex Citations. If you're a perpetrator of Bad Sex, you're going to pay the consequences. You'll be ticketed, fined, or worse. You could be fined for Failure to Properly Attend to the Nipples, or Speeding through a Cunnilingus Zone. More serious offenses such as, Operating Without Orgasm Assistance would of course, call for stiffer penalties. As far as I'm concerned, Reckless and Offensive Kissing would require hard community service. For those of a certain age (and experience), Fraudulent Claims of Sexual Skills, would doubtlessly result in the loss of your license to practice sex with anyone but yourself. Once the offenders recognize the impact and consequences of their behavior, I think we could all rest (and play) a little easier.

Those of us who take sex seriously; who study, pay attention and consider it an important recreational responsibility, shouldn't have to co-mingle, or co-fuck, with the inept. It's beyond rude and offensive. It's a Crime!

*Let it be known that this post has nothing to do with anyone I am currently, or have recently shagged.


At 11:48 AM, Blogger Kay said...

OMG! I was JUST talking about this with someone who was trying to sell me on his skills! What we really need is a screening process in order to be able to determine whether partners truly are what they claim to be or not BEFORE we have sex. Any ideas?

Since I'm hard to get off orally (only three men and one woman have ever done it), I figure I'll have to use that as an audition for any man who wants anything from me. If he can give me an orgasm with just his mouth, then maybe he really DOES have what it takes.

At 1:20 PM, Blogger Lu said...

I believe that with honesty and communication, most bad lovers can be shown the way. Let's face it--it's more or less natural that a Hot Chik would take the role of leader and teacher in the bedroom, right?

However, a bad kisser is too often a bad kisser for life. Bummer.

[personal note: after 16 years, my partner and I make beautiful music together in bed. But we love to kid each other about it sometimes: he might say, "I liked the part where you moved," and I might say, "Honey, I was thinking that it's time to paint the ceiling..."]

At 7:30 PM, Blogger modgurl said...

It's all about education isn't it? It's not that someone's bad in sex. It's just that he might need a little bit of guidance and more practice. The idea of having a sex quality standard or benchmark is quite disturbing actually. You just have to accept that some people are good while some... need improvements. But hey, if these people are willing to learn, then it's all worth it isn't it?

At 9:19 PM, Blogger theresa said...

While I am all for educating the willing and enthusiastic, this post is about my resentment toward those who don't give a damn about anything but their own satisfaction. You can easily tell when someone wants to learn because they say things like, "How do you like it?", "Tell me what makes you feel good?" or "Show me." They also read the unspoken messages in how your body responds to what they are doing - just like we do.

A while back I had someone come back to me after we had bad sex (it wasn't really bad, we were both just tired and drunk). He felt so terrible about it that he wanted to make it up to me. Being the generous girl that I am, I let him. And, Hooray!, he was all that he promised. That's the kind of thoughtfulness and responsibility that makes a good lover.

At 10:31 PM, Blogger Kay said...

Yes - I think that 90% of a good sexual experience is attitude. If the partner in question is maintaining that he is the shizzle and you should cream yourself at the thought of an experience together, you need a way to determine if this is the truth. That is not the attitude of someone hoping to be taught. But if he's right, it can be pretty incredible. Likewise, while skills can be taught, enthusiasm and ingenuity cannot, so I personally am attracted toward the sexual know-it-all, because if his skills match his attitude, it's gonna be mindblowing.

At 11:45 PM, Blogger Jessica said...

One time while giving a blowjob, my leg fell asleep, so I had to stop and roll around in pain until my leg decided to wake up.

Would I get a sex citation for this?

At 9:57 AM, Blogger theresa said...

Wenchy: No to sex citations for a leg falling asleep. In fact, you get a big "Wow!" for hanging in there with such focus and determination that you ignored your own physical comfort until it was too late.

At 12:11 PM, Blogger Lu said...

I just noticed that no men have yet posted any comments to this blog. Hmmmmm...

(Maybe their computer privileges have been revoked due to sex citations.)

At 12:35 PM, Blogger CCE said...

I couldn't agree more. From my side, I would issue all kinds of speeding tickets, for always going too fast, or too slow; in short, ticket anyone who leaves the cruise control on. And don't you think that we need to get people off the freeways every time they drive. Try the lazy, leisurely country roads, stop in at the ice cream stand, get a sundae with a cherry and lick it clean, or maybe the hardware store, for the perfect tool.

At 3:43 PM, Blogger Me said...

A suggestion: get some of those citations printed up, to leave on the bedside table with a coupon for a sample dose of Viagra. You could sell them on the web.

At 5:21 PM, Blogger greenman said...

while not previously putting a comment on this i did link to it from my Blog.

At 2:28 PM, Blogger wrecked_porsche said...

Hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn...

"Unfortunately, I've been a victim of bad sex more than once. It was terrible."
"*Let it be known that this post has nothing to do with anyone I am currently, or have recently shagged."

Hmmm... so, this means the bad sex happened a long time ago right? Seems to me that “someone” is still grumpy about it... Wham bam, thank you ‘maam…

Yes, I am a male and I think you women expect guys to read your minds! Well, the least you can do is NOT lie there like a rotting log or even worse, PRETEND to be having a great mind-blowing out of this world orgasm, screaming your arses out and then going online and complaining about it. Sorry to say, the bad sex is gonna remain … Well I think that you should just TELL the guy if you want it this way or that and LET HIM KNOW HOW YOU WANT IT done.

Don’t worry, you won’t break or damage his ego or shit like that. In fact I think he will be happy that you are not too shy to tell him about it. He will be glad too that you didn’t beat around the bush to get a point across. You see, the male mind is rather primitive / simple. We males like it if you just get straight to the point. No point in beating about the bush or bitching about it.

If a dude says he is great but turns out to be crap, try to teach him a thing or two and if he doesn’t want to learn and still thinks he wields a sword, bitch slap him, tie him down to the bed and please yourself, then leave him high and dry. Worse comes to worse, go get a vibrator. It doesn’t read minds but you’ll have to make do. You're too picky. Oh hell, its 4a.m, I need my beauty sleep.
Good nite ladies.

At 4:00 PM, Blogger theresa said...

Aha, so there is a guy out there who's willing to challenge my grossly one-sided representation of bad sex. I was beginning to worry that either the bait was too obvious or I'm too damn intimidating...or worse yet, I'm completely right.

As for being grumpy about bad sex, it wasn't so long ago, and I do in fact take my sex seriously ... well, you know, inbetween playful giggles I take it seriously.

So, are you proposing that we add to our list of potential violations? Perhaps "Loitering Motionlessly for a Prolonged Period" or "Fraudulent Coital Climax" or how about "Careless of Teeth During Felatio"?

Although you may be of the mind that you welcome feedback from a partner about your sexual performance, not all men seem to do as well with the "talking" thing. As I've mentioned before, attitude has everything to do with the effectiveness of communication. Some guys do get pissy when you make suggestions.

As for vibrators, they defintely have a special place in my life, but once in a while a girl needs the real thing.

Thanks for commenting. It's nice to know there's still some sassiness out there.

At 9:52 AM, Blogger wrecked_porsche said...

Yes, I am a guy who's willing to challenge your one-sided representation of bad sex. You are not intimidating at all and not completely right either. LoL !

"Loitering Motionlessly for a Prolonged Period"
"Fraudulent Coital Climax"
"Careless of Teeth During Felatio"

Those are great, especialy the last one (Ouch!). How about a few more...

"Smelling Like a Fish Down Under" (LoL, I KNOW you are gonna hate that one!)
"Distracted While Driving" (Go figure!)

... I can't think of anymore right now, I'm too tired. LoL

Anyway, if any guy does get pissy when you make suggestions, do what I've said before. Or you could commit any of the three crimes you've suggested above to get even...
I still prefer my method though!

Seriously though, I think guys who do get pissy and get all defensive when you try to tell them something have no self confidence. I don't see what the bloody fuss is about. There is nothing wrong with learning how to please your woman... as long as she does not lie there like a log and knows who is boss of course !! Hahahah...

Its all about communication. I'd really be happy if my woman felt secure and confident enough to share her deepest feelings with me and not feel shy. I would know that she really trusts me and that would make us both happy. It would really be a great feeling to experience that level of trust.
Anyhow, she will be screaming her head off with a real orgasm and I would be smug knowing that she ain't faking it and I'm a downright pro ! LoL

Oh and you're welcome. If only all the guys out there were like me huh? Too bad they are not and only one extremly lucky woman is gonna get to enjoy me.


At 1:02 PM, Blogger theresa said...

Did you hear my scream of horror when I read "Smelling Like a Fish Down Under" from where you live? Please see "Things to Remember When You Feel Like Crap" item #16. You're so right, I really hate that one.

Although the guys who get pissy stand out as particularly annoying, there's also the ocassional guy who completely ignores what you've suggested. When you say, "Ouch! Sweetie, I like it when to touch me gently." but he keeps doing what he's doing as if he didn't hear you.

From my experience, I get totally turned on when a guy tells me (or shows me) what he likes. Everyone's body responds to touch a little differently. I love the discovery process with a lover, whether we've been together for years, or only a short time.

As far as whose the boss, it's always fun to take turns :)

Stay tuned for tips on how you can help with that "screaming her head off with a real orgasm" experience. You seem like a inquisitive and dedicated student. - T

At 11:26 PM, Blogger wrecked_porsche said...

"Did you hear my scream of horror when I read "Smelling Like a Fish Down Under" from where you live? Please see "Things to Remember When You Feel Like Crap" item #16. You're so right, I really hate that one."

I know. That was the main reason I wrote that ! :p
I did hear that bloodcurdling scream of yours all the way from where I live. I think I'm partially deaf now. Thanks a lot !

Oh, and I'd like to think that I'm adept enough with that "screaming her head off with a real orgasm" thingy. However, I'm always open to something new. I'm SURE no woman will mind if her guy learns something new to please her ! LoL ;)



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