Saturday, February 12, 2005

I Prefer the Puffs Over the Kleenex Tissues

Lu usually takes care of the Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) stuff on our Blog, but she’s really busy right now being a kick-ass Hot Chik while doing some important Community Theater work. Besides, since I have MDD too, maybe it’s time I spoke up and put my two cents in.

I can make fun of my Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) ‘til the cows come home (or chickens, if you prefer), but I can’t think of a single funny thing about Depression. It sucks, and it interupts my otherwise happy life.

97 percent of my life:
Here I am, dancin’ and singing to my totally groovy life. Woo Hoo! Look at me enjoying my recent good fortune. Got a big raise. Won a trip. Lost 12 pounds. Not a thing should be getting me down.

SLAM! BAM! KaPOW! Depression strikes out of nowhere! Ouch man, that hurts. But, Depression doesn’t care. He wants to lay me out flat. He loves to see me cry. Not the good cry, like when I’m touched by the tender gesture of a friend or when I listen to beautiful music. This is real intense pain. Sometimes it hurts so much I can’t move or make a sound.

Depression has no compassion. When I cry "Uncle" he sadistically grins and continues his assault. He loves to see me curled up in a ball, helpless and pathetic. The kicks and blows muddle my mind with self-doubt and hopelessness. I forget that I’ve survived this before. I forget that my friends are true, and they are still with me even though I’m not my happy, quirky, flirty self. I forget that I am valuable. I believe the lies Depression tells me instead.

You are UGLY!
You are STUPID!
You are FAT!
You are a LOSER!


Depression kills people. He has killed some really lovely people right here in my little town. Sure, the newspaper reported that these folks "took his/her own life", but those who were close are aware of the truth. Who really took their beautiful lives away from us? That murdering bastard Depression did it!

Sometimes Depression tries to take my life too. He tries to trick me by telling me that everything is hopeless and the only way to end the pain is to end my life. It always feels different in the light of day, but when the dark veil falls over me and the pain rips and tears at my core, death seems to offer welcome relief.

I'm smarter than Depression, so I should know that He doesn't make any sense. But, it’s not about intelligence or what makes sense. If I don't have a reason to be depressed, Depression will find a reason for me.

It’s a BIOLOGICAL PROBLEM. I have a chronic life-threatening disorder that effects the way I think and feel. And, even though I’ve had good, effective treatment experiences, every 4 to 6 months the symptoms break through. It’s usually when I’m not eating well, playing enough, or exercising & sleeping regularly. I also have to remember to take my medicine every day at the same time.

I know there are skeptics who would suggest that it’s a matter of attitude, strength of character, or even personal will. However, to try to control Depression from this perspective would be as fruitless as Monkey-Man trying to will his body into metabolizing sugars properly with the strength of his character and a positive attitude. Diabetes can’t be controlled this way, and neither can Depression.

I have a great life. I have nothing to be depressed about ... so would someone kindly help me up off the floor and get me a tissue, please. I'm fighting that bastard Depression, and I'm going to win, like I always do.


At 2:00 AM, Blogger Larry Jones said...

Sorry, T -- I don't think there's anything I can do to help you, but I'll be here to cheer when you're feeling better.

At 4:43 AM, Blogger theresa said...

Larry - Thank you for the sentiment. I like the thought that I might be cheered in the end.

I posted this to help folks understand the true impact of Depression. That it doesn't just hit people who "seem" depressed. I also want people to know how serious it can be.

I'm fortunate to have the resourses I need, although your kind words are very endearing.

At 1:13 PM, Blogger Kay said...

I remember how it felt when I went through it, and how it felt when my brother was living with bipolar disorder. You can arm yourself with medicine and get yourself in physical shape to do battle, but it's still demoralizing to open the door and get that sucker punch Depression gives you. As long as you remember to listen to that tiny little voice in your head that you'll beat him back and win the day again, you will make it through with your friends at your side.

And keep educating those who think that Depression is as imagined as the Bogeyman. They were just blessed with natural seratonin like Clark Kent was born on Krypton. I always liked the diabetes analogy myself.

I'm here for you, babe!

At 2:01 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for writing this post. For the last few days I've been fighting that same thing....and until seeing this post I never thought about it quite like that. Now thinking like that I WILL win this battle, I will BEAT HIS ASS and tell him to leave me the f**k alone.
There are many issues in my life that cause my depression and I fight with them daily, but seeing this post has been an eye opener...Thank you so much...

At 2:50 PM, Blogger audrey said...

My reading this has coincided with me deciding only this morning I'm going to have to face the fact that the monster Depression showed up again in November and I'm losing this round without help. Reaching the point this weekend truly believing that my life has amounted to nothing and never will now tells me I MUST do something and now. Previously, I've not had good experiences with Paxil or Zoloft - both made me fat and added to my depression so I've been relying on sheer will power. Thank you for reminding me I should not believe this is my only way to fight it.

At 6:59 PM, Anonymous Your Other Sis said...

I really haven't read much of your Blog, but I decided it was time. Boy, did you hit Depression right on the head! Or maybe you SHOULD hit it on the head. Been there, done that. But you are's your's mine. Let's go kick butt!

At 4:53 AM, Blogger Trust Tyler said...

That was a great post, terribly perceptive and mirrors my own battle with depression. It's nearly beaten me recently, about 4 times these past few weeks it nearly took me, but I managed to hold on, if only for a short while.

At the moment, the veil has been lifted and I'm enjoying myself again, but I can feel that thing pacing away in the back of my head and waiting for my guard to drop.

I just hope I'm strong enough to survive the next bout. I really, really hope I survive it.

At 12:40 PM, Blogger Tiger said...

*hands you a pair of ass-kickin' boots* handy dandy "doesn't always work but sometimes helps" thang. I began referring to my depression as "Mr. Silence" and he is one prick let me tell ya. Wait you KNOW. & yeah. HE does the life taking. & yeah, even w/ the meds he still manages to break-thru every so often w/ that "just get it over w/ already!"
So. I started donning the imaginary kick ass boots and imaginarily kickin' his punk ass outta my head. was better than hiding in the laundry room in the dark with my hands over my eyes and whimpering while trying to ignore the sound of his voice...


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