Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Fiendish Food Pusher

My mother is completely delusional about fat. She has come to believe that anyone under 200 lbs. is anorexic. And because she is the most caring woman I know, she has set herself about the task of fattening the world. Once she's set her sights on you, there is almost no escape. To illustrate:

Me: I'm leaving now.
Mom: Taking a little something for the road?
Me: I have an apple and a banana.
Mom: Honey, that's not going to be enough.
Me: It's less than a 7 hour drive and I just ate. I'll stop if I get hungry.
Mom: Take some cookies.
Me: No thanks. I just want fruit.
Mom: There's some left-over cake. I made your favorite.
Me: I've had enough cake. I'm just taking fruit.
Mom: The cookies have oatmeal in them. Oatmeal is healthy.
Me: Fruit is healthy, Mom.
Mom: But, I made those cookies just for you.
Me: (sigh) No, thank you.
Mom: Your father and I can't eat that many cookies.
Me: Take them to the neighbor's.
Mom: Why do you always have to be so difficult? Are you becoming anorexic?
Me: I'm overweight.
Mom: (as she's wrapping up cake & cookies) Don't be ridiculous. You're getting too thin if you ask me.
Me: (slowly backing away) Listen Betty Crocker, I'm not taking those cookies.
Mom: (pausing with a pained look on her face) What if you have an accident?
Me: Huh? What?
Mom: You could have an accident and get trapped in your car with nothing to eat.
Me: I'll have fruit ... And, for godsakes, I'm not going to have an accident.
Mom: But the cookies have oatmeal.
Me: I have a cell phone. I'll call for help if I have an accident.
Mom: But, if you're trapped you might not be able to reach your cell phone.
Me: And, you're sure that I'll be able to reach the cookies instead?
Mom: Don't be such a smartass. They could save your life.
Me: So the cookies are for when I have an accident that no one witnesses. I survive, but despite my survival, I'm trapped in my car. I can't reach my cell phone to call for help. I'm there for days, but miraculously I survive because of the healthy oatmeal cookies (that I can reach). And, apparently the fruit is insufficient.
Mom: Exactly. I heard about a girl in Iowa who that happened to.
Me: You're insane. Give me the goddamn cookies.

So, as you can see, the woman is diabolical. Beware if you're ever traveling north of Eau Claire, Wisconsin on highway 54. You don't want to accidentally run into this fiendish food pusher. Just keep driving my friends. And, if you have an accident and get trapped in your car, use your cell phone to call someone to fetch those cookies I left in a ditch near exit #47.


At 5:36 PM, Blogger Goldfish Shoals said...

Your insane mom rocks!

At 8:25 PM, Blogger theresa said...

She'll be overjoyed to send you some cookies!

At 8:52 PM, Blogger Goldfish Shoals said...

I don't want your damn cookies. Stop smothering me!

At 10:21 PM, Blogger theresa said...

You ungrateful girl! All I do is try to do nice things for you,and this is how you treat me? And, you're too damn skinny. No good man really wants to marry a rail thin woman.

At 12:13 AM, Blogger dwduck said...

Mothers are always right. You could have just taken the cookies and spared yourself all that...but it wouldn't have been all that fun, right?

At 6:43 AM, Blogger Jessica said...

I wanted some cookies...

At 8:02 AM, Blogger theresa said...

duck - it's so true about mothers always being right. I've spent half my career successfully staying out of power & control conflicts with teenagers at various jobs, but when it comes to my mother, I fall for the bait every time. However, it was an absolute blast when she got to the accident part of her argument.

Wenchy - As a hard-working law student, aren't cookies a daily nutritional requirement? They should give vouchers for home-delivery cookies at the beginning of each semester.

At 11:14 AM, Blogger Kay said...

I want an invitation to Thanksgiving at your house ...

At 11:25 AM, Blogger Guendi said...

This was fun :P I'll be in Eau Claire for Thanksgiving... any chance I get to savour some of those oatmeal cookies?... Nevermind, my husband's grandma will be stuffing me all kinds of Norweigan food anyway, I don't think I could take... although... we do have a two hour drive back home, and you never know, cellphones are not always reliable...

At 8:32 PM, Blogger theresa said...

There are always several extra folks around the dinner table every holiday, and plenty of tasty Norweigan grub. But, I'm warning you, everyone who enters that house gains at least 10-15 pounds. It's like people leave looking a bit swollen. Everything she makes tastes fantastic. And, she will charm and compliment you so you feel proud of stuffing yourself until you're about to burst.


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