Friday, December 30, 2005


"John, stop messing with the speakers and listen to me a minute."
"You’re gonna love this song, Theresa. I can’t believe I haven’t played it for you before."

"John, don’t start the song yet. I need to talk to you."
"Hey, light that joint I rolled earlier. It’ll be better that way."
"John, I can’t keep doing this."
"Did I tell you she was only 17 years old when she recorded this?"
"John, I’m unhappy."
"Shhh, now listen. Her voice is fucking amazing. This is going to knock you on your ass."
"John, don’t you notice that I cry all the time?"
"Okay, this is the part … right here … listen for it."
"John, this isn’t working with us. I’m miserable, and half the time you are too."
"Did you hear that? Otis never sang it like that."
"John, I can’t be here anymore."
"What did you do with that joint?"
"Christ, I’m gonna start it over. Sit down. You really have to hear this."
"Yeah ... sure, John ...."
"Why are you sitting by the window?"
"I like the rain."

I may get weary
Women do get weary
Wearing the same shabby dress
But to one who's weary
Try a little tenderness

She may be waiting
Just anticipating
All of the things
She may never possess
But while she's waiting
Try a little tenderness

I may be sentimental
But I've had my grief's
And my cares
And just a good word
Soft and gentle
Makes it, makes it
So much easier to bear

She might forget it
Oh but don't let her forget it
Love's got a whole
A whole happiness
'Cause it's so easy
Try a little tenderness
Oh it's so very easy
It's so very easy
Try a little
Try a little
Try a little
Try a little
Try a little
Try a little, try a little
Won't you
'Cause it's so very easy
So very easy
Won't you try
Try a little tender -

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Dear Australia,
We love you.
Leave a comment.

(If you do, the Love Goddess will bless your sex life)

Empty Room

We pay a price for deepest love
with pain of bitter grief.
Clean up the shards of broken dreams,
no coins of gold are due.
Remit with shattered screams of fear
into the empty room.

Monday, December 26, 2005


Remember when you were young and you’d get a crush on someone? You’d get nervous butterflies in your tummy and your palms would sweat whenever you were going to see him/her. You’d worry about how you looked or what you said, and inevitably, you’d stumble over your words or your feet and feel completely embarrassed for days or weeks afterwards. Your mind would wander off to little daydreams about him, and every once in a while, you’d let out a sweet little sigh of longing. Unfortunately, through life experience and the process of growing up, those little crushes faded to the background. You simply stopped having them.

Or maybe you didn’t …

I never did.

At any given time, I’m nurturing at least 4 or 5 crushes. The longest one is on the guy who works at my grocery store. I’ve had a crush on him for about 10 years. He’s sexy, smart, friendly and cute. We say hello or chat a little every time I stop in; and on a good day, I get a warm hug too. This is the perfect crush. It almost got ruined once when he asked me out. I agreed, got as far as getting his phone number and promising to call, but then I kept making up excuses and apologizing every time I saw him. Eventually, it was just forgotten. Some crushes are meant to stay crushes forever.

It seems like there are different kinds of crushes.

There’s the Stranger Crush, which is an obsession with someone based almost entirely on their physical appearance. I definitely outgrew this one somewhere around the George Michael – Wham years.

There are the Acquaintance Crushes, like the one above. This is when you develop fanciful ideas about someone based on initial impressions. You might go out of your way to run into them, or you make a few inquiries to discover more interesting tid-bits about them. (Yes, I know the grocery-store guy’s work schedule. I even know when and where he goes on vacation - - he told me. No, I don’t lurk outside his residence. I don’t even know where he lives. Okay ... I kinda know where he lives ... the neighborhood, but not the exact house. Stop badgering me. I'm not a stalker!)

There are the Type Crushes. This is when you find yourself attracted to someone because of perceived traits or stereotypes (e.g. bad boy / bad girl, hot-jocks, construction workers, sexy librarians). Mine was a professor crush. It resulted in a tumultuous 11-month relationship with an exceptionally brilliant, un-treated bi-polar arrogant ass who was 18 years older than me. I was 25 at the time. I pursued him. That was easy. Getting out was the tough part.

Last, are the Friend Crushes. These are my very favorite, and the kind I have most often nowadays. I meet someone and we become friends, and then once in a while something about them tickles my fancy. Occasionally, it’s an old friend who I’ve known for a while, but who suddenly seems different in some way. I ended up marrying one of those crushes.

It’s easy to get obsessed with ideas. People are ideas too … at least in our minds they are ideas of sorts. We can get an idea about someone and wrap it all up in the longing created by our imagination. We fall in crush with the idea of a person. We fall in love with the person. There’s a big difference. You can even know a person fairly well and develop a crush on them, but your crush is the idea of what it would be like to be with them. When you get to know them intimately and get to know what it’s really like to be with them, only then do you discover love … if you’re lucky.

By the way, I have a HUGE crush on you.

Nothing worth doing is completed in our lifetime,
Therefore, we are saved by hope.
Nothing true or beautiful or good makes complete sense in any immediate context of history;
Therefore, we are saved by faith.
Nothing we do, however virtuous, can be accomplished alone.
Therefore, we are saved by love.
No virtuous act is quite as virtuous from the standpoint of our friend or foe as from our own;
Therefore, we are saved by the final form of love which is forgiveness.

~ Reinhold Niebuhr

Friday, December 23, 2005

No Room at the Inn

I stayed up until 3am last night finishing the last of my Christmas project. I felt glad to have 6 sets of warmth to give to the folks at the Shelter House for whoever might need them the most. When I finally got around to tying them up with colorful holiday ribbons, they looked like little bundles of accomplishments.
(Sorry, I was too disorganized to take a photo.)

When I called ahead to the Shelter to ask about a convenient time to stop by, I got a frantic worker on the phone. He assured me that any time was fine, but he didn’t seem too enthused about my interruption. I empathized with his attitude. I remembered what it was like when I worked at a place like that. Sometimes well-meaning people didn’t realize that that they were accidentally stealing precious time and energy from already over-worked employees.

The Shelter House is a huge old house near the University, a few blocks from downtown Iowa City. I didn’t arrive until evening, but it was still fairly early. Already, the crowd of shelter-seekers had spilled out onto the porch. As I carried my overflowing giftbag through the group outside, it suddenly felt very small. Several people greeted me, and I heard another excited voice say, "Look, she has Christmas presents." I wished then that they were invisible because there weren’t nearly enough.

When I got inside the crowded foyer, some other gentlemen helped me find the staff office. Jake and Abby were inside. They each looked to be about 22 or 23 years old. Maybe that’s how old you have to be to do that job. Abby offered me cookies, and Jake acted a lot more excited about my gifts than he had on the phone. I fought the urge to apologize for not having done more . . . like a check for a billion dollars, create widespread community support, or legislation to give people access to physical & mental health services, medicine, vocational training, and affordable housing. But, there I stood with my silly bag of mittens and hats . . . and they acted genuinely appreciative.

I quickly changed the subject and asked about how the Shelter was doing. They said they were well beyond over-flow capacity, however, they were hopeful because the weather had finally improved. At least the people they turn away tonight won’t be suffering in sub-zero temperatures. We talked about how much we need another shelter in our city. It’s difficult to make such a thing happen because of a variety of obstacles, sometimes the least of which is money.

As I walked out, I shared Christmas greetings with another dozen people. As I did, it was impossible to stop myself from wondering which of them would be sleeping in a bed tonight and which would be sleeping under the bridge or in a doorway. I was crying before I walked the ½ block back to my car.

How do you look a man in the eye, knowing you have the power to make a difference, but do nothing? How do you look a dozen men in the eye, go back home to your warm, comfortable house and knit mittens?

I have the power to do more. It's about damn time that I act like it.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Discuss Amongst Yourselves

Christmas Project Update:
My mad-mad-mad knitting continues… By the time I went to bed last night my hands were aching, but otherwise it’s really going pretty well. Only one thing has turned out not-quite-good-enough. But, that leaves 4 hats, 2 scarves and 1½ pairs of mittens for gifts. By Friday, I hope to have a lot more. Keep the coffee coming!!!

I love reading comments left for me here, but I miss reading my favorite blogs regularly. I’m going to post a few random things here this week just to keep in touch with folks. Next week I’ll try to catch up with everything I’ve missed during the past 3 weeks.

For today, I present to you a question from the archives. Mull it over and share your answer if you wish.

Your Fairy Love Goddess graces you with a magical swat on the rump with the Little Red Riding Crop. Once the euphoria subsides, you see before you three unusual cocktails.
~ The first is a Potion of Love. If you drink it, you will meet your perfect match, fall blissfully in love, and live happily ever after.
~ The second is a Potion of Success. If you drink it, you will be extremely successful in your chosen vocation and earn the admiration, respect, and envy of your colleagues.
~ The third is a Potion of Wisdom. If you drink it, you will feel at peace throughout your life, regardless of the difficulties you face. Irrational feelings of doubt and fear will be a thing of the past.

Which potion do you drink? Why?

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Love means ...

As the Love Goddess, I’ve been challenged to define the word Love. I’ve wisely avoided this because, despite occasionally being an audacious know-it-all, I realize this is an impossible task. I can tell you what it's not, and I can tell you what it’s like. I might even be able to describe my Love well enough that you almost feel it. But Love is too personal, too massive and too dynamic for definition. No grouping of words can encapsulate what Love is to each of us. It’s best to leave the wordless knowing that we share with one another be. Such a precious thing might fall to pieces with our fumbling attempts to create literal un-knowing.

Love means . . . (come a little closer, and I’ll whisper in your ear.)

Monday, December 12, 2005

100 Revisited

While I was knitting away like a big wooly maniac, I decided to re-post an updated version of my 100 list. I know it’s really lame, but I don't have a lot of extra time. I’m a woman on a mission. So far I have 2 scarves, a pair of mittens and a hat completed. It pains me to be away from you, but the end results will be well worth it.

Updated bits about the Love Goddess are scattered hither and thither within this list of same-ol' bits:

  1. I can fold fitted sheets perfectly.
  2. I’ve never sung Kareoke.
  3. I didn’t shave my legs from 1996 to 2004.
  4. I taught myself how to knit online.
  5. My hair is naturally curly.
  6. It’s not naturally blond.
  7. Except in the summer, when it turns to gold.
  8. I can run in high heels ... but I prefer curbside service.
  9. My favorite super hero is American Maid (also runs in high heels).
  10. My favorite comedian is Eddie Izzard (likewise, very adept in high heels).
  11. I’m a great kisser. (better than ever ... I've been practicing)
  12. I know CPR.
  13. The weight on my driver’s license is 5 pounds more than I actually weigh. (Yes, I've gained weight this year. It totally sucks! but I'm working on it ... Pass the celery, please.)
  14. My driver’s license photo is one of the best pictures I have of myself.
  15. I’ve been in love 4 times.
  16. I believe I'll fall in love again.
  17. I have more than one best friend.
  18. An X-Ray tech once told me I had the best bones he’d ever seen.
  19. I told him that was the best pick-up line I’d ever heard.
  20. I’ve had sex with 24 different partners.
  21. Only three of them were women.
  22. I’ve never had an STD.
  23. I’ve never been pregnant.
  24. Sometimes I regret not having children.
  25. I only use linen napkins at home.
  26. I’m plagued by fears that someone I love will die.
  27. I hope I die first.
  28. No one extremely close to me has ever died, except my dog when I was 9.
  29. I’ve only had two job interviews where I wasn’t offered the job.
  30. I’m not jealous or possessive in relationships.
  31. I don’t believe nice guys finish last.
  32. I really like other women.
  33. I’m very flexible. In 3-inch heels, I can lay my palms flat the floor.
  34. One of my lovers told me I was too exuberant in bed.
  35. I plant gardens because I love to play in the dirt.
  36. I broke and dislocated my ankle 13 years ago.
  37. The surgical plate attached to the bone set off metal detectors at prisons, but not airports.
  38. One summer I was hospitalized for a week with swimmer’s ear.
  39. I’ve been a bridesmaid 5 times.
  40. I proposed to my husband.
  41. On Stage.
  42. There was no audience, but the cast was backstage with champagne.
  43. We've had an open marriage for more than 8 years.
  44. If I knew then what I know now ... ... nope, no regrets.
  45. I’ve been to two nudist camps.
  46. I skinny-dip every chance I get.
  47. I like to have painted toe-nails, but not painted fingernails.
  48. I love to vote.
  49. I give genuine compliments.
  50. Other people’s parents really like me.
  51. I haven’t eaten meat, other than fish and seafood, since 1986.
  52. I’ve been to Great Britain three times.
  53. I have more patience with others than I do with myself.
  54. I’m terrified of mice.
  55. My college roommate’s boyfriend was an officer in a street gang.
  56. I think people who are smart-asses are funny.
  57. But, I don’t like cruel humor.
  58. I’ve never owned a couch of my own. (Maybe I'll be on Santa's "Nice" list this year)
  59. I was arrested once for illegal trespassing.
  60. I’ve had one blind date in my life.
  61. My blood type is AB negative.
  62. I’ve never bought a bad car.
  63. In a crisis, I usually seem calm.
  64. I played the cello for 11 years.
  65. My most difficult performance was for the funeral of a 5 year-old.
  66. I started playing again this summer (with lots of blogworld support).
  67. I look great in hats.
  68. I can start a campfire.
  69. I’ve witnessed over 50 rape exams at the hospital.
  70. I have perfect gay-dar.
  71. When I drink, I drink good beer.
  72. I don’t believe in god.
  73. I do believe in an afterlife.
  74. I have a clear sense of morality.
  75. I can be very opinionated.
  76. I have one brother and two sisters.
  77. I have two nieces and seven nephews.
  78. My parents have been married for 44 years.
  79. My mother tells me things about their sex life.
  80. I don’t know what my IQ is.
  81. I don’t want to know what my IQ is.
  82. I like to tell people that I’m older than I really am.
  83. I found my first gray hair when I was 34.
  84. I’m an amazing cook.
  85. I lost my virginity when I was 20.
  86. I didn’t have sex until I was 22.
  87. I wore braces on my teeth from age 12 to 18.
  88. It’s nearly impossible for me to sleep in a bed with clothes on.
  89. I hate having my ears licked.
  90. I have extremely sensitive nipples.
  91. I’ve never seen "Gone With the Wind".
  92. I know how to flirt well.
  93. No one has told me I look like Glenn Close since last December.
  94. I make friends easily.
  95. My new favorite dessert is celery with a side of celery (see #13).
  96. I make parallel parking look easy.
  97. I like my partner to watch while I’m giving him head.
  98. I hate every song from the musical, "Oklahoma".
  99. Some really great things have happened to me.
  100. I try to appreciate all of them.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Autobiography in 5 Short Chapters

Chapter I
I walk down the street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in
I AM LOST … I am helpless
It isn’t my fault.
I takes forever to find my way out.

Chapter II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter V
I walk down another street.

By Portia Nelson

This poem sums up my life pretty handily. Sadly, I tend to repeat chapters 2 & 3 more often than I'd like.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Making Warm Love Presents

To say it’s freezing cold in the midwest right now is an understatement. We’re experiencing record cold temperatures, and it’s downright miserable. Tomorrow they’re promising a heat wave of possibly 12 degrees. Wow! Fire up the SPF 15, lets hit the beach!

We’ll survive … well, most of us will, anyway. When it gets cold like this, my mind always turns to the people who are living on the streets. Homeless folks don’t just live in warm climates. They’re right here in River City. When we get winters like this, a few don’t make it; maybe not in my town, but in a town down the road, or maybe as far as Chicago. The cold weather is more than uncomfortable. It can kill.

During the Holidays, most of us open our hearts and our pocketbooks, and donate what we can to those less fortunate. We dig for change when we hear the Salvation Army bell ring, and we pick up an extra toy during a shopping trip for the Toys For Tots drive. However, even with all our generosity, there are some who are forgotten.

A few years back, I was talking with the people who operate our local Free Lunch program. They mentioned that the people who use their service regularly (mostly adults) often suffer during the harsh weather because they don’t have hats, mittens and scarves. It so happened, that was the year I learned to knit. By Christmas I’d made a boatload of scarves.

This year I know how to knit mittens and hats too. For the next three weeks, I’m going to be knitting up a storm. It might be easier to go out and buy a bunch of hats, mittens and scarves, but I have lots of beautiful yarn, and I like knitting some love into each stitch. I think it makes them warmer. A scarf probably won't save someone's life, but maybe they won't suffer as much when the wind starts to howl. And for now, that's what I can do to help.

If you knit, or have any other gift or talent, think of how you can make life a little better for someone who would otherwise be forgotten this season.

Also, I can’t knit and blog at the same time. Although I love you all, this project is important to me. I'm going to limit my time in blogland for the next few weeks, but if I remember, I’ll take a picture of the results to show you when I’m finished.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Cuffed (by demand)

Sometimes the "tease" is more interesting than the story, but I’ll tell it anyway.

The summer after my sophomore year in college, I got a job at a Girl Scout Camp in northwestern Indiana. I’d never been a camp counselor or a Girl Scout, but I knew my way around the woods and I love to hang out with kids. Although the job was exhausting, it was the most fun I’ve ever had while earning a paycheck.

We got one hour a day plus Sundays off. The rest of the time we were responsible for our little cherubs. Mosquito bites, poison ivy, sunburn, homesickness, and skinned knees were part of the every day challenges. At the same time, we got to swim, hike, play games, start campfires, cook outside, canoe, and sing goofy camp songs.

The staff at camp consisted of about 12 counselors, a nurse, a bookkeeper, and a director. We were all women. As usual in groups of that size, divisions formed. The group split fairly evenly down the middle between the "good" girls and the "bad" girls.
(Guess which side I fell on?) And from there, we sub-divided by age. I spent a lot of time with the bookkeeper, a sexy, bright and beautiful woman named Susan.

A couple weeks into camp, a Peeping Tom / Voyeur was reported to have been lurking around. Immediately, we hired a security guard to patrol the grounds during the night. He was another college student; a ruggedly handsome fella named Joe. Joe, Susan and I hit it off from the start. We’d stay up late at night talking, and Susan and I would sometimes walk with Joe after the girls were asleep. One night, after the kiddies were all safely tucked in bed, the three of us went for a midnight stroll by the swimming pool. I teased about skinny-dipping. Joe didn’t tease when he said he had the keys to let us in. After that night, it became our pattern. Joe would do his rounds and then he and Susan would wake me up for a swim.

The whole thing was sweet. There was a slight sense of danger that we might get caught, as well as an underlying current of innocent sexuality. There were always jokes about "what if", but somehow we’d silently decided that things would never get out of hand as long as all three of us were there.

One night, Joe brought a pair of handcuffs with him. He and I were goofing off by the diving board while Susan was swimming by herself in the pool. He clipped one end of the cuffs to my wrist and the other to the diving board. I acted like it didn’t bother me and sat down next to the pool to talk to Susan who was still in the water. I think Joe wanted it to bother me, or at least wanted it to be more fun than it seemed, so he said he could leave me there until morning. We all laughed at the thought of me being discovered by the rest of the camp. Soon after, he reached around and unlocked the cuffs without another word.

I’m pretty sure Joe and Susan had a sexy little something going on between the two of them by the end of the summer. However, they never let on, and they never excluded me. I think they kept it to themselves because they were afraid it would change the unique relationship we’d created as the three-of-us.

(I suspect this was not quite the story you were expecting)

Tagged For 10

That sexy ol’ Dick snuck up and whispered in my ear, "Tag! You’re it!"

Here are ten random/weird facts about myself to share with the blogging world.

  1. I consider myself a shy person, but I’m comfortable speaking in front of large groups of people.
  2. When I was a Girl Scout Camp Counselor I was handcuffed naked to a diving board by the night security guard.
  3. My eyes are green or blue depending on the weather or what I’m wearing.
  4. When I was in 2nd grade, the mean kids at school called me Curly Q from Mars.
  5. I’ve been unemployed a total of 2 ½ months of my adult life.
  6. I learned how to drive on a John Deere tractor.
  7. If I could choose any other occupation, I’d be a teacher or a carpenter.
  8. I once hated someone so much that I fantasized about killing him. He hurt someone I love.
  9. I really don’t like sticky or messy food sex.
  10. I once picked up a guy during a back yard game of croquet. I was wearing sneakers, a swimming suit, a lime green hard hat, and drinking a little too much Sangria … so much for being a shy girl.




For the other 100 things go HERE

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Pretty Words

He said, "You truly are the saintliest sinner I've ever known." (5 ½ months)

He said, "I’ve always been attracted to women who have a zest for life." (5 years, 8 ½ months)

He said, "God you turn me on. Can’t you tell how fucking hard I am?" (2 days)

He said, "I love just spending time with you, even when we don’t talk about anything." (14 years, 4 months, 27 days)

He said, "I think we could have a lot of fun together. I have a room upstairs." (8 hours)

He said, "I was so excited about meeting you that I told my two best women friends. They told me that you’re probably bad for me. I don’t care." (15 days, and later on, 2 months)

He said, "I love talking to smart women." (3 months)

He said, "That’s a great idea." (7 hours)

He said, "You’re an incredibly sexy woman." (3 days)

He said, "You deserve someone who treats you better than me. You deserve to be happy." (11 months)

He said, "I love your sweet pussy." (3 months)

He said, "I want you in my heart forever. Marry me?" (2 ½ months)

He said, "[She] told me to be careful. She said I’ll fall in love with you." (2 months)

He said, "You have a beautiful mouth. My cock would look great fucking it." (20 minutes)

He said, "A girl like you needs an adequate amount of smooching every day..." (7 months)

He said, "I’ve never met anyone like you." (2 ½ days)

He said, "You are crazy and brave, breakable and powerful." (11 months)

He said, "I'd give just about anything to spend some time wrapped up in your arms, kissing your lips, your breasts pressed tightly against my chest, my hard cock pressing against you, aching to be inside you." (5 ½ months)

He said, "Shit, yes!" (5 months)

He said, "I’ve never had sex with a woman who loved it, or was into it as much as you." (2 months)

He said, "I'll always love you, Baby" (10 months)

He said, "You are by far one of the most interesting and alluring people I have ever come across." (5 months)

He said, "You exude not only sexuality but sensuality. I find myself rendered speechless for a few seconds whenever we meet." (9 months)

He said, "You’re fantastic!" (3 months)

He said, "You're a beautiful woman and you deserve to be happy." (some years)

He said, "You were, and will probably forever be, the greatest, most fulfilling partner I have ever had." (3 months / 2-month break / 5 months / 13-year break / 16 months)

These are a few compliments, enticements, reactions, genuine emotions, lies and exaggerations I've heard from men who have been, or have wanted to be intimately involved with me (physically and/or emotionally). I liked hearing some of them a lot more than others.

(An Assclown inspired post)