Saturday, September 23, 2006


I lost my pocketbook. It had my driver’s license, a couple credit cards, some photos and five dollars in it. It was mostly an inconvenience to replace everything. A couple months later it showed up in my mailbox. Everything was still there, including the five dollars.

I lost my way. I was new to town, alone, driving a borrowed car in the city at night. Somehow I ended up near 63rd and Halstead. I was afraid. Eventually, I found Ogden and followed it all the way out to the western suburbs and back to campus.

I lost a bet. Ordinarily I’m patient. I wait for the right cards and I know to cut my losses when I’m beat. However, it only takes one hand to ruin everything. I became over-confident with two pair on the flop and a king-high flush on the turn. I should have known the other guy had a boat on the river. It wasn’t bad luck. I was stupid.

I lost my temper. The words I said were harsh and hurtful. They spilled from my mouth like putrid liquid. I regretted them immediately. You can’t take things like that back. All you can do is say you’re sorry. The shame still torments me. He forgave me, but things still aren’t right because I can’t forgive myself.

I lost my nerve. I hesitated when I should have been righteous and bold. I should have stepped in. Someone needed to fight for justice. I told myself someone else would do it. I told myself I couldn’t make a difference. I told myself I’d done enough. I was too busy. I was too tired. Tell that to the people I might have helped.

I lost my innocence. It didn’t happen all at once. The hard truths of the world are revealed through a thousand experiences, some easy and natural, others sharp, destructive and painful. Still, there’s a place in my soul that remains constant and pure. Somehow, it has always survived. It’s the place I go to nurture myself when I’m wounded and afraid. It’s the place that makes me strong again.

I lost a love, and with it, a dream.
It hurt like hell,

Yes, like fucking hell.
But at least I tried.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Just Wondering

Have you ever been afraid to want something too much?
To allow yourself to hope for what you've always wanted?
To dare to let go of your doubts for a while and think you deserved it?
To be brave enough to open your heart with no guarantee of return?

Scary stuff, huh?

Sorry I haven't been around much. I have a computer-related shoulder injury. No kidding. It hurts a lot (yes, I'm a big baby). I've decided to blame the person who invented ergonomics.

Monday, September 04, 2006

How to Get Laid

A few of my friends are deeply concerned about the fact that I haven’t been laid in quite a while. I might be concerned too, if all I wanted was sex. Getting laid is easy. I can give you step-by-step, fool-proof instructions on targeting and snaring a one-night-stand from a bar/party/public library, etc. full of men. You simply assess other people’s strengths and weaknesses, use your own strengths to get the desired interest, and negotiate an agreeable arrangement … while batting your eyelashes and pouting seductively (a pair of snug jeans, high heels, and a low cut sweater don’t hurt either). It also helps that I’m a woman, I live in a college town, and according to Good Morning America, MILFs are all the rage these days. It’s sweet of my friends to care about my well-being, but they’re concerned about all the wrong things.

What is it they say? Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. Or is that stupidity? It doesn’t matter. If what I really want is a caring, intimate relationship, I’m not going to get it from someone that thinks my best quality is the shape of my ass. And, it’s going to take a little more work on my part than getting dolled up and hitting the town. I’m going to need to invest myself, genuinely give a shit about another person, and take some emotional risks.

I probably won’t get laid tonight, or even next week. Believe it or not, that makes me happy. It’s a comfort to know that I’m not just going through the motions. I’m not holding my breath to prove I have will-power. It’s what I want to do because it feels honest.

So if you miss the Hot Chik from a year ago that blogged about the joys of sex, and posted public service announcements from her vagina, there are plenty of other great bloggers doing a fine job covering those topics. I think I’m on a journey of Love. I guess I always have been.