Wednesday, May 21, 2008


She is so proud of herself!

My favorite part of spring is when the bright red California Poppies bloom. This year is going to be the best ever. My garden has over 4 dozen buds ready to burst. The first opened a couple days ago. She's fabulous, and she knows it!

Every so often, I feel that fabulous. I wish I could bottle that feeling and open it up whenever I need it.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

44 Years

Despite a pouty beginning, I ended up having a wonderful day yesterday. I should know better than to feel sorry for myself. I have too much love in my life to justify such silliness. My friends ended up making the day wonderful. They got me tipsy and took me out. Lots of other people sent me wishes for happiness. The man also called twice to make me laugh like crazy.

My favorite gifts are the glazed flower pots above … a gift from the man. It’s remarkably thoughtful and generous for a guy who dumped me 2 weeks ago.

Monday, May 19, 2008


Today is my birthday.
I’m feeling sorry for myself. It’s kinda pitiful.

I have everything in the world to be happy about. I’m healthy. I have a home and a decent job. I have many fantastic friends. And, I generally think I’m a pretty cool person.

I’m still sad that I lost something important to me. I really valued my relationship with the man. It’s changed and the friendship we’re trying to create feels uncertain. I don’t blame myself, but the loss hurts. It’s as simple as that.

Other men are trying to get my attention. I don’t want anyone else. I’ve felt this way before about a couple other men. I know it will pass with time; I know nearly everyone else in the world has been in this same place, but my heart is slow to heal. It sucks.

I know I’ll be ok. I just wish I knew when.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

My Heart For a Song

My favorite birthday present was a song. He called, then called back to my voicemail. The tiny bit of nervousness in his voice at the beginning made it all the sweeter. He pushed through and sang the words strong and true …
Let’s Get it On
I smiled over and over again as I listened to him sing to me a dozen times that day.

He still has a place in my heart. He resides there, or more accurately, the things I’ve collected of him are carefully stored there. I keep cherished bits of him that he’s shared, both on purpose and accidentally; memories of laughter and tenderness, healing words that still soothe, and waves of tears for lost dreams.

Sometimes I still ache, but mostly I feel blessed for loving such a man.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Life is Strange

This is the weirdest break-up of my life. We talk every day or two just like we did before. He still calls me by the same silly pet name, I still giggle, and we still spend an hour laughing like idiots about stupid crap. Once in a while we talk about the break-up. He doesn’t budge but still tries to make it all better.

We’re spending Saturday afternoon together at his house. I guess we’re supposed to hang out as “just friends”. He knows I don’t think of him that way. The whole thing is so ridiculous that it amuses me.

If I was smart, I’d walk away. However, I’ve never been particularly smart about love … daring, but not smart. I don’t have an agenda. I don’t have a plan to change him or make him give me what I want. I can accept him exactly as he is. Isn’t that part of loving someone? Besides, I’m also curious as hell.

In the mean time, another guy is sniffing around. It’s like a garage sale. There are always one or two people who show up at 7am even when the sale doesn’t start until eight. He’s one of those people. He wants to be the first one to check out my stuff. I told him that I’m not open for business. He’s a nice enough guy, but my heart isn’t ready.

Saturday, May 10, 2008


By the time we get to this age, we all carry a bit of baggage, some more than others. We can help one another along, but mostly it's stuff we have to sort out on our own. It's hard work that some people never seem able to do. And, sometimes the people that seem the most well-put-together have the biggest parcels to handle. Other times those who have the most to offer have months or years of sorting to do before they have anything worth giving.

I’ve worked long and hard to sort through my crap, much of that work right here on this blog. Right or wrong, I hid myself away until I had my baggage whittled down into a manageable carry-on. It took a couple years and a few detours to really get my shit together. Unfortunately, it seems as if my guy-guy is one of those people with a lot to offer but nothing to give right now. It’s not my fault. It’s not really his fault either. It’s just the way life works.

I wish he’d say he has a plan to work it all out. He could ask me to hang in there for a while. I wouldn’t throw myself on my sword, but I’d help push the luggage cart if he said we were worth working for. Instead, he just gives me explanations of his powerlessness. Then, he distracts me by making me laugh. It makes him feel better because, even though he doesn’t say so, he can’t stand knowing he hurt me.

He calls because he likes my company. I answer because I hope he’ll say what I want him to say.
If I don't hear something positive soon, it's going to get old fast. In fact, I think I might not feel like talking tonight.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Good Things

I got to work yesterday to find flowers sitting in front of my monitor. They were from a co-worker. He didn’t know about the break-up. He just said I seemed blue Monday and he wanted to cheer me up.

And remember the annoying jerk that I wanted to beat with his own arm a couple weeks ago? He and I have been getting along extremely well. In fact, he gave me a $50 gift card and the afternoon off for a late margarita lunch with my girlfriend.

Possible good news ... things might not be over with the man. Time will tell.
I don’t completely understand men, but I have hope for them
… ONE man in particular.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

It Sucks

He wants to redefine our relationship => just be friends.

It sucks to be me today.