Monday, March 07, 2005

Stupid Theresa Story # 1: Ass Trapped

This is the beginning of a series called Stupid Theresa Stories. It’s not necessarily that I think I’m stupid, but I do some pretty stupid things sometimes. A lot of them are funny and well worth sharing for the amusement of others. Hell, if I went through the humiliation of the experience, we should at least get some laugh-mileage out of it.

Part of my problem is that I’ve got the ADD thing going on. As a result, I tend to get intensely focused on one thing and completely miss everything else that’s going on around me. It’s worse when I’m doing something new, I’m in a rush, or I’m under a great deal of pressure.

It was my 28th birthday. I had made myself a fantastic new blue and white dress. It had a low scoop neck in the front and the back and hugged my body nicely down to the hips where it flared out into a full skirt. The fabric was light and soft, but it had enough weight to swing sassily when I walked.

As usual, I was late for work. I needed to get there on time because a reporter was meeting me to do a story on a project I was working on. Unfortunately, I absolutely HAD to drop something off downtown on the way.

It was typical rush hour traffic and there was no street parking anywhere. The idea of parking in the ramp seemed completely ridiculous for a 2-minute drop-off. I made a hasty decision to double-park and run my drop-off inside as fast as possible. I pulled up next to a car that didn’t seem to be going anywhere and leapt out, slamming the door behind me. However, at that point, I ceased to move.

I was stuck. As I exited the car, I had forgotten all about my big full skirt flowing behind me. Not only that, but so much of the dress was caught in the door that I couldn’t move, or turn to unlock the door to free myself. There I stood, a prisoner of my beautiful dress, caught with my ass firmly against my double-parked car door, and dangerously late for an important meeting.

I tried to twist and fiddle with the keys in the door, but I couldn’t turn enough to figure it out. I’m sure the panic that I was feeling was also contributing to my failure. As I wondered if I should consider chewing off a limb to secure my freedom, a gentleman paused near me. He looked perplexed at first, but then he seemed to sum up my predicament. I stuck out my arm with the keys dangling at the end and a look of complete humiliation and desperation on my face. He smiled and complied without a word.

He took the keys and headed toward the passenger side of the car to open the latch from the inside. I waited to hear the freedom sound of my release, but instead he was back only seconds later. He calmly explained that the cars were too close together. He couldn’t get in from the other side. I knew this meant he’d have to open the door at my ass.

He was very gentle, and I could tell he was trying his best not to touch me, but with my big round butt, there wasn’t extra room for a hand and a set of keys. After what seemed like an excruciatingly long time, I finally said, "Don’t worry about it, please, just unlock the door." It seemed he understood, as he ceased to concern himself with propriety and nudged and pushed around my bottom until he was able to gain success. When I heard the click, and felt the fabric loosen, I was overjoyed. I thanked him profusely and then remembering my errand, I ran away in haste.

I’ll never forget that man. He really saved my ... associate from the newspaper a lot of wasted time.

I wonder if my gentleman on the street remembers the day that he saved a girl trapped to her car door ass-first.


At 9:28 AM, Blogger Ed said...

Theresa, I bet he will remember that day fondly for the rest of his life.

At 10:09 AM, Blogger Larry Jones said...

Very funny, Theresa, but this is what you get for wearing things that "swing sassily." On the other hand, can you picture what Tracy and Hepburn would have made of that scene?

At 10:21 AM, Blogger Kay said...

See, I thought all that was kind of normal. I would have thought the stupid part was coming at the end when you accidentally let him walk away with your car keys.

Stupid is relative.

At 11:50 AM, Blogger Queen Of Pink said...

LMAO, Please come 'round my ass and get me unstuck.

Sorry, but that story is priceless. And like Kayten said, stupid is relative, because that story could have easily have happened to me too!

At 4:15 PM, Blogger Chick said...

Oh Theresa, I'm laughing too. You explained that so you remember that as the day your ass got stuck in your car door? Did the guy laugh...because if I saw you there, with your ass pressed against the door, holding out your key, looking helpless in your gorgeous dress...I would have been unable to help you in any way & not pee in my pants from laughing!

It goes without saying...that could have easily happened to me too.

At 7:06 PM, Blogger Rednaked said...

Oh bless you I needed that laugh!

At 11:28 PM, Blogger cricket said...

how on earth did i miss this story this afternoon??? *note to self: call eye doctor...*

this is soooo funny...and i agree, not stupid! :)


Post a Comment

<< Home