Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Holiday Report

Parties: Two Alka Seltzer, please. My, my, my, I feel like a fat, bloated idiot. After today, I need a break until Ground Hog’s Day.

Kisses: Did I get my wish for a month of kissing?
Not quite … it was more like a smattering of kisses hither and thither.
Who? When? Where?
Ha! Silly, silly people! You know me better than that. It’s none of your damn business! Hot Chiks don’t kiss and tell.

Biggest Accomplishment: I once again reign as the Balderdash champion! Proof, beyond a doubt that I’m a masterful liar. I sometimes wonder what might have become of me if I’d used my remarkable skills for more profitable, self-serving means rather than simply playing games and telling stories. Imagine how wealthy I would be if I were unscrupulous. Damn my parents for raising me right! Who needs virtue and decency when you have a great car and a bidet?

Practical Survival Tip: If you’re homeless and it’s colder than a witch's tit outside, and the shelter house can’t let you stay with them because you’re drunk off your ass, it’s a good idea to go downtown and raise hell until you get arrested. Spending a night or two in jail is better than dying of hypothermia. The jail is heated and they’ll feed you.

Food: Did I mention that I feel like a fat, bloated idiot? Why do all my friends have to be such good cooks? And why do I have to stick everything they give me in my mouth?
Honestly, I’m so sick of food. I’m actually looking forward to returning to my regular diet of cereal, fruit cocktail and Slimfast. Just hand me a fist-full of Rolaids and roll me into the gym.

Blogger Rendezvous: During the past 2 years, I’ve had the great fortune of meeting several fantastic people from blogland in-person. This month, I was lucky enough to meet TWO blog-world friends. I thought these two friends would be just as wonderful as the others, and indeed, they both exceeded my expectations in their own delightful ways. I wish we could do it again tomorrow.

Strangest Flirtation: Yesterday at church, DURING the service, some guy was checking me out. I was very confused. In fact, I actually did a nipple check to make sure I wasn’t showing through my sweater. Nope. It wasn’t me. Geez! Why couldn't he wait until afterwards and get me a cup of coffee and a donut hole like a semi-normal person? I swear, some of those church boys are real freaks.

Favorite Presents Given: Jesus Bandages. Tom Waits, Orphans.

Favorite Presents Received: My number one Hot Chik at work got me a subscription to Ready Made magazine (check it out if you like to make stuff). MonkeyMan gave me the book I wanted, What is the What. I know it’s emotionally heavy stuff, but I can’t wait to dig into it.

Fashion Question of the Month: How old is too old for knee socks?
Follow-up Question: If I have a skinned knee, is it tacky to wear a Jesus Bandage with a skirt?

New Year's Eve Plans: Stay home and ponder the many exciting possibilities that lie ahead.


At 11:30 AM, Blogger Dan said...

Yesterday at church, DURING the service, some guy was checking me out.

Geez, was I that noticeable??

Very funny post Theresa!

At 11:55 AM, Blogger Blazngfyre said...

"If I have a skinned knee, is it tacky to wear a Jesus Bandage with a skirt?"

It's only tacky if the aforementioned Jesus bandage has his eyes tilted upwards to sneak-a-peak UNDER said skirt.
Unless you're into that sort of thing.

At 2:43 PM, Blogger afuntanilla said...

OMG, u are too funny! who did u kiss?? TELL!! Don't hold out on us! I think i got the ready made mag too!

At 9:48 PM, Blogger theresa said...

I thought that was you! The leering and eyebrow waggles were bad enough, but you really stepped over the line when you arranged those communion wafers to spell out "NICE TATAS" on the pew next to you. I think the entire Soprano section of the choir noticed. In fact, Mrs. Henderson almost fell out of the balcony straining herself because she couldn't quite make out the A and the S. Later, in the Fellowship Hall, I nearly choked when she asked me if I had a new potato salad recipe.

See ... it's a good thing I asked. The “up the skirt” thing is something I never would have thought about. Hmmm, but you, you sizzling saucy Hot Chik, I can always count on you to think about those little details, can’t I?

Did I say anything about kissing? I must have been confused when I wrote this post ... ummm, maybe a typo? Ohhhh, you know how holiday parties are ... lots of booze and random kissing and such. Besides, I’m sure if anything happened I probably just made it up anyway. You know what a big liar I am!

At 1:44 AM, Blogger Say No to Crack said...

OOOoooohhh .... wish I got some Jesus bandages ... I wonder if they work on hangovers.

At 8:09 AM, Blogger Polyman3 said...

Is skinned knees and rugburn the same? Hmmm.
...and church is where most sinners hang out, think about it,
nothing like a weekly soul cleansing.

Ah, well...I'm glad for a friend like you, you we're one of my first when I began this silly escapade called blogging.

Have a Happy New Year, and much love & peace in 2007.

At 2:22 PM, Blogger Dan said...

Theresa, your response to my comment is as funny as your post! ;)

Happy New Year my dear!

At 10:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Church boys are definately freaks.

At 11:30 AM, Blogger theresa said...

Say No - are you questioning the healing power of the Jesus Bandages? Say it isn’t so?

Poly - you’ve been a delightful addition to the blog-o-shere, my friend. Having been around here a long time, I can confidently say, you are uniquely wonderful.

Dan - truth be told, I have a terrible sense of humor. Apparently, you inspire me to be funny. Thanks for the laughs, Sweetheart. ** Happy New Year **

Popeye – All of them? Sheesh! Why’d you have to tell me that? Now, how am I supposed to keep my mind on the sermon?

At 8:57 PM, Blogger No_the_game said...

Hey love,

I just wanted to stop and say A Happy New YEAR and I truely bonded to you over the last year.

U r a true gem that is hard to find.

With love and huge hugs


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