Saturday, September 23, 2006

Lost

I lost my pocketbook. It had my driver’s license, a couple credit cards, some photos and five dollars in it. It was mostly an inconvenience to replace everything. A couple months later it showed up in my mailbox. Everything was still there, including the five dollars.

I lost my way. I was new to town, alone, driving a borrowed car in the city at night. Somehow I ended up near 63rd and Halstead. I was afraid. Eventually, I found Ogden and followed it all the way out to the western suburbs and back to campus.

I lost a bet. Ordinarily I’m patient. I wait for the right cards and I know to cut my losses when I’m beat. However, it only takes one hand to ruin everything. I became over-confident with two pair on the flop and a king-high flush on the turn. I should have known the other guy had a boat on the river. It wasn’t bad luck. I was stupid.

I lost my temper. The words I said were harsh and hurtful. They spilled from my mouth like putrid liquid. I regretted them immediately. You can’t take things like that back. All you can do is say you’re sorry. The shame still torments me. He forgave me, but things still aren’t right because I can’t forgive myself.

I lost my nerve. I hesitated when I should have been righteous and bold. I should have stepped in. Someone needed to fight for justice. I told myself someone else would do it. I told myself I couldn’t make a difference. I told myself I’d done enough. I was too busy. I was too tired. Tell that to the people I might have helped.

I lost my innocence. It didn’t happen all at once. The hard truths of the world are revealed through a thousand experiences, some easy and natural, others sharp, destructive and painful. Still, there’s a place in my soul that remains constant and pure. Somehow, it has always survived. It’s the place I go to nurture myself when I’m wounded and afraid. It’s the place that makes me strong again.

I lost a love, and with it, a dream.
It hurt like hell,

Yes, like fucking hell.
But at least I tried.

8 Comments:

At 7:06 PM, Blogger Larry Jones said...

Glad you're staying strong, sweetheart. May you not only survive, but flourish.

 
At 9:16 PM, Blogger ZooooM said...

Lost and found. It's not just for mittens anymore. Losing something always seems to teach me something in the process. Although I might not get it the first time.

If anyone can live life to the fullest - AND write well about it, it's you. Don't give up.

 
At 8:46 AM, Blogger Spin_Doc1 said...

Ahh, you are so very good.

 
At 10:27 AM, Blogger naive-no-more said...

Ah, but the last line says so much about you. You haven't lost anything...you've gained it all.

 
At 10:48 AM, Blogger AndyT13 said...

I'm with NNM, you've gained more than lost. Rock on!

 
At 6:04 PM, Blogger Laurie said...

I can relate to so much of that...

 
At 10:33 PM, Blogger Popeye said...

Lost, now. Found, later. Keep looking.

 
At 10:47 AM, Blogger Julie said...

But you haven't lost your beautiful voice! You are a gem. I'm thinking of you, my dear.

 

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