Tuesday, March 29, 2005

The Cunnilingus Throne

Last week I had a little spare time while I was waiting for my sense of humor to return. Since I don’t sit still very well, I decided it was a good opportunity to tackle the long overdue Cunnilingus Throne project.

Throughout the week, I sketched a number of designs until I came up with one that seemed absolutely perfect. Once the design was complete, I created a list of all the necessary particulars. I think I’ve done a pretty good job of identifying the essential functions, distinct parts and technical bits for the Cunnilingus Throne. Here’s what I’ve come up with:

  1. A singularly grand and impressive satin-covered throne to enhance erotic sensuality of the Love Goddess.
  2. Various interchangeable cushions for the Love Goddess to comfortably place her precious ass for extended periods of time. I’m thinking a different color for each day of the week is a nice idea. (Pink for Wednesday, in honor of the Queen of Pink).
  3. A coordinating adjustable padded kneeling bench for worshippers and those wishing to partake of the Goddesses abundant and generous … ummm, favors.
  4. Shiny little side hooks to keep the Little Red Riding Crop, accessories and other love tools handy for both pleasure and training purposes.
  5. A remote control hydraulic height and incline adjustment mechanism to create the perfect position for cunnilingus.
  6. Foot rests that adjust both vertically and horizontally (not the stirrup kind like at the Gynecologist’s office).
  7. An internal temperature control system to afford the utmost comfort for the Love Goddess.

So before I head down to my favorite hardware store/lumber yard, I’m trying to imagine how the conversation at the Help Desk is going to go.


Me: I’ve got a great new project I need a little help with, Steve.
Steve (my favorite hardward store hottie): Looks like you’ve got quite a list, and some sketches too.
Me: It always pays to start with a good plan.
Steve: Looks like some sort of fancy chair, or a throne.
Me: I’m glad I was successful in my design. It is a throne.
Steve: What are all these extra attachments and mechanisms for?
Me: They are for function and comfort.
Steve: What are these?
Me: Those are the adjustable foot rests.
Steve: Why do they go in so many directions? Hey, is that a riding crop?
Me: Yes
Steve: Huh. I’ve never seen anything quite like this, Theresa. It looks really complicated. Why exactly are you making it?
Me: It’s to celebrate the Year of Cunnilingus?
Steve: Huh? Did you say, uh . . .?
Me: *eyebrow raise*
Steve: Ohhh … Ummm, yessss, now I see. Ahem, it’s making sense. Could you excuse me a minute (backing away). I think I need to consult with a couple of the specialists in the back.
Me: (la dee da, *tapping foot* …)
A voice from the back: She’s making a what? A special chair for eating pussy? Damn!
A 2nd voice: Is that her? Hey guys, she does look kinda slutty. Steve, is she wearing a bra? I think I can see her nipples from here.
Steve (from the back): Git away from the window, and stop pointing, ya Dipshit!
(Steve returns)
Steve: Do you mind if I take these plans in the back to show the guys, umm, I mean the specialists?
Me: Why don’t you bring the guys up here. I don’t want someone running off and stealing my brilliant plans. Besides, it would be my pleasure to explain all the details and thoroughly answer their questions. *wink*


I’m pretty sure I could get Steve on board with this, and maybe if I don’t wear a bra I could even get a discount. It’s still going to cost quite a bit for all the supplies no matter how slutty I act. I’m think I’m going to need to do some legitimate fund raising. I wonder how the Arts Council would feel about this project?

10 Comments:

At 7:55 AM, Blogger Ed said...

It would be travesty of justice if you didn't get Arts Council funding to further the cause of cunnilingus.

If it was up to me I'd give you a discount for not wearing a bra. :)

 
At 12:13 PM, Blogger Tommy said...

You might want to add a little vibration motor in the seat cushions. You can never have too much stimulation ya know.

 
At 12:42 PM, Blogger DB said...

Vibration under the bum, wouldn't that just get you numb?

Oh shit, I didn't mean for that to rhyme.

 
At 5:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You should get one of those paypal buttons on your site so donations could be made.


Hurry and get this thing built and marketed. I'd buy one for the wife. Cunnilingus is such a great thing!

 
At 9:54 PM, Blogger John Q. Public said...

Hmmm. Theresa, naked, legs in footrests, riding crop?

Wow. I like.

 
At 10:28 PM, Blogger Queen Of Pink said...

Show the nips honey. We already know about their power. Embrace it.

And I am grateful for the Pink mention. Yes, I will be honored to be the Pink cushion under someone's ass as they are getting pleasured beyond their wildest dreams.

Oh fuck, now I'm REALLY horny. Shit. Must.....

 
At 11:37 PM, Blogger theresa said...

Ed - I love how you and I value the same things in life.

Tommy - That vibrating seat could also keep my ass from falling asleep if I'm sitting too long.

DB - You poet, maybe the key is moderation.

Shaun - You have a good head for business. Wanna join Hot Chiks, Inc. and make millions with us?

John - I've missed how you vividly pick up on the essential points.

Pink - It's a Go with the Nipples!
Glad to sit on the pink for any and all pleasure I can get, especially if it comes close to your jungle-fuckin' life.

 
At 7:57 AM, Blogger Lu said...

Steve and I would like to volunteer to test the prototype. Oooh, please hurry and build it!! (cuz you know what they say--"If you build it, they will come!")

--Lu

 
At 12:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

There was an actual Chinese empress named Wu Hu who apparently already designed and built such a throne. Here is one reference.

hugabear

 
At 3:29 AM, Blogger kaleen said...

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Best,

[Ana]

P.S. There's absolutely nothing in the world that will make you smile as wide as pulling down your pants and seeing a look of AWE and ANTICIPATION on a woman's face. The first time you hear her say "It might be too big" in a soft, excited voice, you're going to feel a thrill through your spine like you just snorted 3 lines of cocaine.

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