Monday, March 14, 2005

Am I a Sexual Snob?

I’ve been thinking about this current dry spell of mine. In all my recollections, I’ve never really had a dry spell. Oh! Wait a second, I vaguely remember one several years ago. I believe it was called virginity.

Sadly, things are not looking good for the Love Goddess. Only one lovely romp in the
Year of Cunnilingus? It’s completely unsuitable. I don’t even have any certain prospects. Sure, in less than a month we’re going to Las Vegas for 3 days. I suppose I could always find myself a whore. But, that really isn’t my style. Besides, we have whores right here in River City.

I think the problem is that I’ve become a Sexual Snob of sorts. It’s not that I think I’m too good for other people. (Although I am good. In fact I’m really, really good. How the hell do you think I got the title Love Goddess?) The problem is that with all the stumblings, bumblings and mistakes I’ve made in the past, I’ve decided to set guidelines in order to avoid similar problems in the future. Perhaps these guidelines are overly restrictive. The simple step of meeting a suitable partner seems to be impossible based on my current thinking.

  • Online dating means I have to deal with idiots sending me disgusting messages, and even more disgusting photos of themselves.
  • Bars mean I have to deal with drunks and youngsters.
  • I don’t fuck people more than 10 years younger than me (I’m 40), and I live in a University town where half the population are University students.
  • Fuckable people at work? Not likely. First I have to find an available person amongst the 275 employees. Then I have to narrow the choice down to those that I’m even remotely attracted to. Then, I have to assess whether they are capable of maintaining a discrete relationship (I don't need any more office gossip). How likely is that? So far, Zilch!
  • Long distance friends can be fun, but they are a lot of work. I miss those friends. *Sigh*

There is also the complication of the fact that I am married myself. Oh YES! People get freaked out about this even when I explain that my partner and I have successfully maintained an open relationship for almost 8 years. One might think that a lot of guys would jump on this as some sort of Holy Grail. Think about it. Here’s a Hot Chik with the sex drive of a teenage boy, who doesn’t want a long term committed relationship, but would very much like to worship your cock for a while. So why do they get all freaked out and run away when they hear the word "husband"?

I also have a number of turn-offs that may be shrinking my sub-set of fuckable folks. I get turned off by people who are:

  1. Possessive and jealous
  2. Stupid or ignorant
  3. Racist
  4. Sexist
  5. Homophobic
  6. Elitist
  7. Evangelistic
  8. Sexually narrow-minded
  9. Superficial
  10. Mean-Spirited
  11. Hygienically challenged
  12. Big Fat Liars (not in the fun, story-telling kind of way)

What’s a Love Goddess to do?
Do I lower my standards, or do I patiently continue my search for the perfect lover?


At 12:12 PM, Blogger Goldfish Shoals said...

I ask: if you're just looking for a bit of cock, how perfect do they have to be? Obviously, there are standards that you can't go below, but perhaps perfection isn't necessary.

At 12:30 PM, Blogger Chick said...

Oh Goddess of Love, even the thought of you lowering your standards, fills me with dread. DON'T DO IT!

I have a feeling you won't have to...anyway.

Word on the street is, there's a posse of hot chik's coming your way. We want another date. None of us are one night stand kind of girls & we had sooo much fun the first time...we simply must do it again.

What do you say? We'll come to you (to do you?) this time.

I'm shopping for some special shoes on my lunch hour today...just for the occasion.

At 12:50 PM, Blogger Lu said...

Yes, you are a sexual snob. But so what? You're also a hot chik and that makes it perfectly ok!

I hate that you're having such a lengthy abstention. You know full well that if I weren't in a monogamous hetero relationship, I'd do you in a heartbeat! Perhaps you can convince Steve that he need not feel threatened by such an activity....


At 12:19 AM, Blogger cricket said...

i concur...standard lowering = bad...very very bad...

having standards is not a bad thing, hun... :)

i mean, you're a GODDESS, for chrissakes!!! *smooch* good things are heading your way, i just know it! :)

At 3:14 AM, Blogger theresa said...

Absolute perfection isn't necessary, but I decided quite a while ago that I had the raise the bar and remain true to my goal. Thanks for the boost to my dedication to quality!

The slightest hope of a Hot Chik gathering makes me giddy with excitement ... and many good things are bound to happen when giddy excitement and Hot Chiks collide.

I can't wait to see Chick's new shoes!

Lu: Steve won't budge. I've been working on him for years.

Cricket: You have the prettiest lips. They are perfect for smooches.
(I'm so glad I have the sexiest blogworld fantasy girlfriend! It's almost as good as the real thing.)

At 11:29 PM, Blogger Larry Jones said...

The guys aren't commenting on this one, except for me, I guess. The male viewpoint on this is that we have the highest possible standards at all times, unless it's last call and we're like, really horny, and it's Tuesday. Or any other day of the week, and a woman, any woman, smiles pretty and puts her hand on our thigh. Or just asks us what time it is.
Other than that, we will never compromise our values.

At 12:00 PM, Blogger theresa said...

Larry, I am coming to realize how valuable your wizened and experienced perspective is to my comprehensive understanding of the intricate complexities of gender relationships.


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