Sunday, March 27, 2005

Suggestion Box

Since my company has an absurd dress code for employees who never have contact with the public and work in a drafty warehouse with cheap-ass cubicle partitions, then they ought to have valet parking. I’m sick of nearly breaking my neck trekking across a gravel parking lot at all hours of the day and night in all kinds of weather. My company loyalty and disposition toward the dress code would improve immensely if I could simply hand my car keys to a happy little fella in a vest every day.

Multiple pairs of ruined pantyhose should be a valid reason for being late for work. Those things cost a lot of money, and when you’re damp from the shower they’re a bitch to get on in a hurry. It’s too easy to put a fingernail through one of them. Hell, ya got ten fingernails to worry about and all that fragile hosiery. As Cricket says, "Sometimes its tough being a girl." A gal should get at least an extra half-hour tardy-excuse for a temper-tantrum in recognition of the $13.00
that just went down the toilet when her finger went through two pairs of the fuckers.

Sex should also be a valid reason for being late or missing work. In the larger picture, it improves the overall morale when employees are happy and satisfied. In fact, when I was a boss, one of my employees was late one day. She took me aside and told me that she and her boyfriend were trying to have a G-Spot orgasm. I did a happy dance and said, "Go girl! Sooo … how’d it go?"
Don’tcha wish I was your boss?

You should be able to call into work "Well". Why waste a beautiful day and a cheerful disposition sitting at your lousy job. Once or twice a year you should be able to call work and say, "Hey Babycakes! I’m full of my bad self today. My exuberance for life cannot be confined to the workplace. See you tomorrow." It’s prison when you have to go to work on a day when you're feeling like a million bucks. My imagination gets a little wild as I’m sitting for hours on end in my little rolling-chair in my Cubicle Corner of Shame on one of those days. When I’m not having sexual fantasies, I’m creating elaborate escape scenarios.

Hey Lefty, bake me a cake with a file in it. Bring it over to the side door and slip it to a guy named Sammy Slim-Jim. Don’t let Sammy scare ya. He may look like a shady character, what with the eye patch and chewed up ear, but he’s all right. I know I can count on him to get me the goods. Sammy owes me for a little incident involving a catering girl and a jar of cocktail olives. Park the get-a-way car in the south side parking lot next to the broken down El Camino. Once I work my way through this cake and figure out what the hell I need a file for, I’ll be right out.

If I'm
required to answer the telephones and page people over the PA system after the receptionist leaves for the day, I should be able to do so in whatever voice I choose. If I happen to choose a voice that others term a Phone-Sex Voice and it makes them happy, who loses???
Impertinent? Irreverent? Who? Me?

All feminine hygiene products should be free in the women’s restrooms. I don’t think I need to explain myself. It’s simply a good idea.
Hot Chiks, do we all agree on this?

A special thanks to Chick and Dick, whose veins really snapped me out of it!
Also, thanks to so many other folks who've been hugely supportive. You know who you are, and I hope you know how much I adore you.


At 6:03 PM, Blogger Muffin said...

Yes, Yes and Yes.

Products should be free in the rest room.

Why do work places have to be so stuffy? It would crack me up if the phone lady used a phone sex voice to page people. Who does this offend? And if it does offend someone, fire them for lacking a sence of humor.

If I ever own a large company (don't hold your breath) I would make it a point to allow tardness in the name of sex. Hell, I'll even punch the clock so you get that half hour paid.

I have one thing to be thankful for, I do not have to wear panyhose at work, but I do have to pay for my own safety boots which cost a pretty penny :-)

At 11:53 PM, Blogger kelebek }{ said...

Hey! your humor is back YAY!
And yes those products should be free. Or at least take the same coins. More than once I had a dime with me when the machine wanted a quarter, or a quarter when the damn thing wanted a dime! grr!
kelebek }{

At 12:32 AM, Blogger cricket said...

hell yeah, to all of the above :)

you gonna be running for any offices any time soon??? :)

At 8:42 AM, Blogger Michael G said...

I am ready to come work for you.

Why not have sex time off, just like sick time off.

I am calling my union rep right now...

At 9:36 AM, Blogger Tommy said...

I think we should be able to call in horny. "Sorry boss but there is a possibilty that I might get some today, as it is I can't get my pants zipped without fear of major tissue damage."
And here I was hoping that my gratuitous orgasm helped. :(
Glad you're feeling better, at least its a new day.

At 10:54 AM, Blogger Chick said...

Yay...Theresa’s humor is back!

I’m glad Dick & I had some small part in tickling your funny bone. I’m happy that Dick’s vein was finally good for something; )

If you were my boss...oh yeah! would be good. Work would be nothing but laughing, cake eating, free feminine products & sex talk.

...& I'd be one happy chik.

At 11:14 AM, Blogger theresa said...

Maybe we should start our own company: Hot Chiks, Inc.
I have dozens of business ideas. I'm sure one of them could make some money and provide a boat load of laughs in the process.

Tommy - Your knock knock joke made a big difference too.

Cricket - You have no idea how often I'm asked that question.

At 4:15 PM, Blogger Queen Of Pink said...

Yes to all of the above!

YAY!!!! Theresa got her humor back!! I'm so thrilled for you girl!

Hot Chik Inc? Count me in!!

At 10:10 PM, Anonymous Dick said...

What about my vein??? Who wants it??!

At 9:26 PM, Blogger theresa said...

We're sure to make millions with QoP on board.

Dick Baby, don't be shy. You know deep down we all want it ;)


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