Almost as Good as Cunnilingus
While some of you may be making resolutions to improve yourselves through weight loss or reducing uncomely habits, such as, cursing or daily visits to porn sites, I prefer to use the turning of the calendar to force my will on society as a whole. Some of my past efforts have been more successful than others. For instance, in 2005, my campaign to celebrate cunnilingus was fabulously popular. From what I hear, the influence of my resolve was felt intimately by people across the globe (grateful participants may pay their respects with an anonymous donation to my personal bank account). I don’t have to tell you how thrilled I was every time I learned of the effectiveness of my efforts.
On the other hand, resolutions such as my attempt to revive the popularity of the After-Five Pill-Box hat, the reduction of unnatural shearing of nether-regions (trimming is encouraged), and the immediate outlawing of cell phone use in checkout lines at the grocery store … or any store for that matter, have not been nearly as successful. Nevertheless, my desire to better society with my own personal vision of Utopia is as powerful as ever.
In 2007, my influence will be felt in a rather subtle way. It’s my heartfelt desire to spread a calming wave of nostalgic gentility for the greater good. I shall disseminate the reassuring language of my blessed motherland, IOWA.
Little do you know, in the privacy of our own homes, and even in public when outsiders are scarce, we Iowans continue to speak in a sort of quaint retro-language long lost to the rest of society. This, I believe is the secret to our well-earned reputation as exceptionally friendly folk. Honestly, when people of other sub-cultures remark about how nice I am, I wince a little. By Iowa standards, I’m generally considered to be rude, thoughtless and socially inept. However, as my plan to infiltrate the greater American lexicon with the verbage of yore comes to fruition, we shall ALL become a nicer people … more Iowaegean, if you will. How can that be a bad thing?
I know what you’re thinking …
What the hell is this crazy chik talking about?
Well, first of all, did you forget that I’m your Love Goddess? Surely that gives me some influence, yes? My Love for you is abundant and heartfelt. Now, show me some respect and get on the bus!
Secondly, a more neighborly way to ask your question would be to say,
"Golly gee! What sort of shenanigans is this wacky Theresa up to?"
Well, just settle yourselves down, kids. I’m getting to it.
Let’s take a look at your average American couple from say, ohhh ... New Jersey. And for the sake of elucidation, lets call them, ohhh ... Laura and Dan (fictional, of course).
Dan: Go pull the car around. I want some ice cream.
Laura: Get it your damn self. I’m busy. Hey, who do you think will win Dancing With the Stars this season?
Dan: Who the hell cares? I was just trying to be nice and take you out.
Laura: Okay, I’ll go, but you have to drive.
Dan: Shit yes! I hate the way you drive.
Laura: What are you talking about?
Dan: You tailgate. You know how much I HATE that.
Laura: I do not. You’re a worse driver. You go crazy and think you own the damn road.
Dan: If everyone else learned to drive and got out of my way, I wouldn’t have a problem would I?
Laura: You over-react to everything when you’re behind the wheel.
Dan: Do not.
Laura: Do too.
Dan: Do not.
Laura: Just get the car, Dan.
Unfortunately, conversations like this one are happening all over the country every day. How do I know? Ahem! Haven’t we been over this already? I know this because I’m a Goddess and I have special powers. Jimminy Christmas! Stop your phooey old doubting!
In our new and improved world, rich with the civil language of folks like Jimmy Stewart and the Beav and his kinfolk, Laura and Dan’s conversation will go a little differently.
Dan: How would my favorite little filly like to go for some ice cream?
Laura: Gee whiz Dan, that sounds nifty!
Dan: Do you want to drive, or shall I?
Laura: I’d prefer if you do today, thank you.
Dan: That sounds swell. I sure hope the traffic isn’t too bad. Sometimes I get a little cross with other drivers.
Laura: I hope the traffic is good too. I got a little nervous the last time we were out when that other car was cattywampus across two lanes. You were in quite a tizzy.
Dan: Heaven’s to Betsy, Laura, I didn’t mean to upset you. I’ll try to be more patient.
Laura: Hot-diggety, you’re super-duper! Does that mean you’ll leave the 9mm Beretta M9 at home?
Dan: Sure, Laura. Anything for you!
See, isn’t that nice?
Lets all be neighborly, shall we?
Atta'boy!
Atta'girl!
posted by Theresa @ 1/01/2007 01:20:00 PM
14 Comments:
Golly Gee! What a humdinger of a post! I tell ya, yer just dandy, i tell ya.
Gee willikers, Popeye, that's an awfully swell thing to say!
Theresa, I wasn't in the blogosphere when you were on your cunnilingus campaign so I'm afraid I missed out on that one. Please don't chew me out over that (ouch ... bad pun).
But I am 100% behind you (another ouch) on your new campaign. Yes, let's bring back gentility! And yes, even when there are cars cattywampus across two lanes, let's leave our Berettas at home!
Let's love each other even while driving. But please, for the benefit of public safety, no cunnilingus performed on the driver. For the love of God, wait until we're safely parked in the Taco Bell parking lot.
Love it. Why can't we all just get along...nicely.
...and I do celebrate cunnilingus,
I'm still tongue-tied from celebrating last night.hee, hee (:
Testing you:
Theresa, you got any good hat pics? C'mon, show me, show me! (Remember, Randy Newman said, "You can leave your hat on!")
ron s. rat
Happy New Year, you swell little Love Filly! : )
Dan – But how about if the driver has cruise control, and if the road is really smooth and straight with very few other cars, and if said driver promised to keep her eyes open the entire time? ... hypothetically, of course.
Poly3 – Thanks for the field report, as well as your support of my little New Year’s endeavor.
Blaze – LOL ... Once again, I’m in awe of your ability to illuminate the sordid possibilities right in front of me. Who knew that “humdinger” was a racy little word?
Ron – I always thought that was Joe Cocker ... or maybe both?
... Pics? Begging? Who do you think you’re talking to? Did you take a wrong turn at Albuquerque?
Jayne – You’re quite the hotsy-totsy gal yourself! Happy New Year, Dollface.
Heavens to Betsy, dagnabbit if I didn't have a rip-roarin heckuva good time readin this here post, Theresa!
Theresa, your words in your response to my comment are so compelling, and filled with such detail, that I'm beginning to wonder if you are speaking from experience. Nay! I'm almost certain you are, you naughty girl!
No wonder I love you so much!
I'll try to be nice...around here I'm considered extremely nice...but that's by NY standards...which...I fear...have no similarities to your beloved Iowa niceness standards.
Happy New Year.
Ugenius – Sweet remarks like yours are enough to put a girl on Cloud Nine, Honey Bun!
Dan – Surely we’ve had a bit of a misunderstanding, my friend. With all due respect, what you’re suggesting is nothing short of hooey. It’s more likely that I simply have a well-developed imagination. Besides, naughty? Me? How can that be? I have a Jesus bandage on my knee!
... Oh, by the way, do you happen to know if the 2007 Honda Accord comes standard with tilt steering?
*smooches*
Chick – Are you kidding? By ANYONE’s standards you’re nice! Iowa would be lucky to have you.
Happy New Year!
A Jesus bandage eh?
I bet you put it on so he could "sneak a peak" under your skirt, didn't ya?
Naughty, NAUGHTY girl!
(I like that about you!)
I like all these campaigns--expecially the first one *wicked grin*
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