Wednesday, March 30, 2005

How to Write a Successful Grant Application

I’m home sick today (nasty flu bug), so between naps, it’s a perfect opportunity to think about how to get the massive amount of money I need to build the Cunnilingus Throne. The best and easiest way to get all the money at once is to win grant money. In the past, I’ve written dozens of grants for non-profit orgs. Do you think this is all that different?

The Cunny Throne grant application can ride a little bit on my reputation as the Love Goddess. I can also mention that I was a TA for Human Sexuality. Perhaps my legislative work and research publication about the continuing global practice of Female Genital Mutilation are also worth mentioning. Still, I think I need more to beef up my creds.

Personal references and testimonials will provide good support for this type of grant application. I spent the afternoon calling around and anonymously asking a few of my former lovers about their experiences with me. Since I already sound like the Bride of Satan with this upper respiratory crap, I barely had to disguise my voice to make the calls. It was kind of fun. Once I got going, I almost forgot I was sick. These are my results:

"Is that the girl with the flat head?"
(Not a good start. The number was on a piece of scrap paper in my Little Black Book. I got scared and hung up. They got better)

"Non-stop action … A breathtaking thrill ride. The Love Goddess is one of the greatest sexual experiences of my life." Roger E., Chicago Sun Times

"Sweeeeeet! Hey guys, they’re calling about the Love Goddess. Tell her we’re having another party this Friday at Deek’s. Go Hawks!" University of Iowa Rowing Team

"Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It's much sexier than any body part." Amiee Mullens

"Clear, dark garnet in color, her aromas focus on black cherries, a whiff of raspberry, and a subtle mix of pleasant earth and warm brown spice. Red fruit and sharp acidity create a bold first impression, but on the mid-palate she seems more medium-bodied than weighty. She's not overly complex but well-balanced, clean and lasting, with good cherry and red-berry fruit and a light lemony tang in a long finish."
David R., The Wine Spectator

"Uncensored, provocative and impactful, the Love Goddess affirms our personal and collective power as women-loving-women."
Sarah B., Pride Toronto Dykes on Bikes

"She knows how to pronounce Kyrgyzstan. Hint: It's a hard "g." Oh yeah, and she’s got a nice little twat too." Daniel E., The Slate

"There was a disturbance in my heart, a voice that spoke there and said, I want, I want, I want! It happened every afternoon, and when I tried to suppress it it got even stronger." Saul Bellow

"The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness, can be trained to do most things. This is something I have every confidence the Love Goddess fully understands." Jilly C.

"Spoooooon" The Tick

"Her precision handling is top of the line. 2005 promises to be her best year ever. I look forward to seeing what she can do." Eric, (I think he sells used cars)

"If you build it, they will come." The Iowa Farm Board

This list seems like a pretty good start.
I wonder if the City still has any discretionary funds for community projects. This could arguably be viewed as a community project. I don't want to get my hopes up, however. They did deny my request to have 2005, the Year of Cunnilingus formally recognized by the mayor and the City Council.


At 2:10 AM, Blogger Larry Jones said...

If you are seeking government funding for this project, perhaps you could pass it off as some kind of new ejection seat for stealth fighter planes. There is an endless supply of money for that sort of thing, and no one in Congress would dare to vote against it. When it's finished, my guess is there will be plenty of congressmen who will realize they were duped, and like it.
Personally, I'm just a little apprehensive about the crop.

At 8:37 AM, Blogger Yacky said...

Perhaps venture capital is the answer if you approach it as a money manking operation. You would just need to estimate how much to charge those of us you would come to worship the princess at the throne!

At 8:38 AM, Blogger Yacky said...

Sorry, Goddess, not princess.

At 9:32 AM, Blogger theresa said...

Larry - If that's where the money is, that's where we must take the throne.

O Sweetie, I wouldn't let that silly crop hurt you ... unless you asked me to.

Yacky - There will never be charging for worshipping the Goddess. That sounds like a business enterprise I definitely want to avoid.

At 11:45 AM, Blogger Rednaked said...

"She knows how to pronounce Kyrgyzstan. Hint: It's a hard "g." Oh yeah, and she’s got a nice little twat too." Daniel E., The Slate"

Nice little twat too...OMG!

Didn't see that coming. Shot cookie crumbs out my nose. It didn't feel good at all and now I have to clean my screen.

At 2:09 PM, Blogger Yacky said...

Theresa, I was just assuming that cunny with you was so nice guys would pay to do it!

At 11:34 PM, Anonymous Dick said...

Is there going to be tryouts for this like I'll have my eyes blindfolded and I'll be giving a real pussy to lick and then a rubber placebo one and I have to fill some forms out??? Sign me the fuck up!


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