Monday, May 16, 2005

Beware of the Power of Red Lipstick

A couple years ago I met a crazy man in a bar. He didn’t start out crazy, but over the course of the evening he developed some fairly disturbing quirks. Every so often he would interrupt our conversation to tell me about my fantastic irresistible lips. He could barely control himself. He had to kiss them. This started out as a fairly sweet and flattering gesture, but evolved into a kind of scary desperation. At one point, I even went to the women’s restroom to see what the big deal was. The crazy man ended the evening sitting alone at another table staring at me in a drunken stupor. The 6’4" bartender walked me to my car.

I received an apologetic e-mail a few days later from the crazy drunken man. I definitely appreciated the gesture, but it didn’t increase the likelihood that I would allow my magical lips within worshipful distance of him again.

He knew from our conversation at the bar that I was coming upon my 39th birthday. He included the following piece by Andy Rooney in his e-mail. While I’m definitely not a fan of Andy Rooney, in this essay he seems to have set aside his arrogant superior attitude:

As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all.
Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.

A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom.

Few women past the age of 40 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing. Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

A woman over 40 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 40 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. They always know.

A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons.
Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coifed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free"? Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.


At 11:27 AM, Blogger Chick said...

Here's my silly, silly question...

How did the crazy man get your e-mail address?

At 11:43 AM, Blogger theresa said...

He told a friend who'd seen us chatting early in the evening that I'd given it to him and he'd lost it. The bar was in a tiny little town, and she'd known him for years. She considered him harmless ... and maybe he is. She gave him my address without a 2nd thought.

At 12:54 PM, Blogger Jay said...

That's a great article. I don't know if it's true from the woman's perspective but it seems true from the guy's.

In addition there is a physical component- I think that childbearing causes it but maybe it's a more general maturity. Here's my post on mother's bodies.

Now I wonder if Kitti would like some red lipstick?


At 12:56 PM, Blogger Jay said...

Forgive me for that misplaced apostrophe!


At 1:45 PM, Blogger Larry Jones said...

Sweetheart - I second that entire list of fabulous reasons. The only reason for 22-year-old waitresses is that some of them will grow into smart, sexy, sophisticated, grown-up beauties like you.

At 2:38 PM, Blogger Ron Southern said...

Oh, quit flirting with her, Larry, you make me ill. I wanted to flirt with her!

I'm not sure I believe that stuff originates with Andy--I don't think he's that sensitive--but even if it's from Mrs. Rooney, it all sounds very right.

At 4:59 PM, Blogger Tommy said...

Older women are better and that's all there is to it. That's one reason that I married MG.

At 7:04 PM, Blogger Queen Of Pink said...

What about a 31 year old woman that can and does do those same things?? LOL

Hot Chiks in red lipsticks rule.

At 9:18 PM, Blogger theresa said...

Jay - It seems like women become more comfortable with one another as we age. I'd like to see it happen sooner than later.

Larry - Thank you. I don't know what else to say, so I'm just going to sit here, blush for a while, and let that soak in.

Ron - Flirting isn't a one-man show. Bring it on Babycakes!

Tommy - You have great taste my friend! That MG is the whole package!

Queen - As fantastic as you are at 31, you're gonna rule the fucking world by the time you hit 40!

At 7:59 AM, Blogger Blazngfyre said...

I'm 36 now, and I feel and act like a 40 year old!
I personally think that 40 is only the number he choose, it really has more to do with maturity and attitude.

At 4:09 PM, Blogger Ron Southern said...

well, the fact is that I'm a little better ofttimes at putting a thumbtack on Larry's chair than flirting with you. I figure you're flirted with all the time by fellas all across American (and women, too), but men are generally teased a lot less. I haven't known Larry much longer than I've known you, but a little. I don't want to kiss him, but it's fun to tease him. You might be more fun to tickle. Say, did I ever show you this tickler...?

At 4:52 PM, Blogger Aaron the Truck Driver said...

What about the lips man!!!

Show us your lips!

At 4:13 PM, Anonymous ed said...

Bit behind with my reading, sorry, but yes that is a great article - all very true. Why on earth some men go off with younger women is beyond me.

At 9:05 PM, Blogger Maverick said...

Please post pictures of said wonderous lips. In return, I promise I will not drunk email you or even day-after-drunk email you!

Spitting in a Wishing Well

At 10:20 PM, Blogger theresa said...

Although my lips are just your every day run-of-the-mill goddess-like parts, I'd be happy to post them. However, when I try to download the program for photo hosting my computer has a temper tantrum.


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