Saturday, March 05, 2005

Things I Wish All Men Understood

I absolutely LOVE men! I’ve already spent lots and lots of time talking about why I love men, and I’m bound to spend even more time in the future. Men are so deliciously loveable!

I also absolutely LOVE women, especially Hot Chiks. One of the reasons I love my Hot Chiks is because we understand one another without always having to explain why. Hot Chiks understand when I’m fed up with the misunderstandings, silly games and annoying habits common to some of the men-folk I can’t seem to stay away from. Sometimes a simple nod or an "Oh Sweetie, I know what you’re talking about" is all that’s required to experience healing compassion and understanding. However, there are moments when I shake my fuzzy little head and wish for more.

It would be really great if ALL men understood a few simple things:

1.) Yes, I really do NEED all of these silly hair, skin and make-up products. Do you really NEED your silly Television?

2.) I like it when you appreciate my body and say sexy things. You know I love it when you unexpectedly tell me I’m pretty. It’s also flattering when you make a sexy sound as I bend over to fasten the clasp on my shoe. However, when you make the same sound and grind up on my ass when I’m bent over to clean out the catbox, it’s really fucking annoying. I think we’re talking about the concept of timing here, boys.

3.) Put the seat down after you pee. This isn’t just about being polite; it’s a RULE! No wait, it’s not just a rule; it’s like a Commandment. Forget Thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife and Thou shall not take the Lord’s name in vain. For Christsakes, Boys, put the Goddamn seat down! The Love Goddess hath proclaimed it!

4.) Remember when you told me how much you like it when I tell you what I want. I said, "Mmmm, a little more to the right … Ahhhhh, exactly … That’s it … Yessss, like that … Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Ohmgod! Give it to me, Baby! I want you now!" We both liked that. You know what else I want real bad, Baby? I want you to pick up your nasty underwear and put them in the laundry hamper. If I say, "Yessss, like that … Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Ohmgod!" will you feel more motivated?

5.) Just because it’s that time of the month, doesn’t mean I don’t have a very good reason to cry, or to be surly, or to eat half my weight in chocolate. If you shut up, act like everything's perfectly normal and pass me the Peanut M&Ms, we’ll all be a lot happier. (Oh, and it’d be fucking nice if you told me I was pretty once in a while!)

6.) I don’t care how many times you try to get me to see the humor, it’s never funny when you fart and then pull the covers over my head. You’re the one who’s laughing, and I’m the one who’s screaming bloody murder … What? Are you eight? No, I don’t want to pull your finger.

7.) Just because you’re done with sex, doesn’t mean I am. The least you could do is scoot over in the bed so I have room to finish. It would be even better if you gave me a hand …
Literally …
No, don’t applaud! Jeez!
See what I have to work with here, People!

Note to all the blogs I ordinarily haunt: My computer is being persnickety again and it’s currently only operating in safe mode. As a result, the resolution is so bad that I can’t read some of my favorite blogs. Hopefully the problem gets resolved this weekend. I miss many of you greatly!


At 1:59 AM, Blogger Larry Jones said...

Damned fine post for Safe Mode!

And why is it always only you and me up at this hour?

At 5:34 AM, Blogger Ed said...

Husbands should understand all these things as a matter of course. And always be willing to lend a hand...

At 1:03 PM, Blogger Queen Of Pink said...

AMEN! I knew I liked you!

(said in my best pouty voice) "I wanna be a Hot Chik!"

At 1:33 PM, Blogger theresa said...

You don't have to ASK to be a Hot Chik. All you have to do it proudly proclaim that you ARE a Hot Chik! Besides, as sassy as you are, I always assumed you were a Hot Chik from wayback.

At 4:01 PM, Blogger Tiger said...

*Woooo Hoooo!!*
I think that these sorts of things should be the kinda stuff that is passed out and discussed during marital counseling. Yeah, yeah, yeah--it's important that we agree on the "kid" thing and all that jazz--but THIS... yeah, getting THIS would make things so much easier.
& myself? I love the sexy sounds when I bend over to clasp my shoe or whatever--but it doesn't matter WHAT I'm doing or not doing--I absolutely HATE being ground on when I'm bent over.
...I usually wind up falling over. :)

At 4:02 PM, Blogger Tiger said...

~*~hope your computer is up and running (better) soon!!~*~

At 11:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Let us all say a great big AMEN to our very sexy Love Goddess!! That was a great read for me when I came home from Hedda Gabler Saturday night.

By the way, You were smokin' hot in that ensemble of yours last night.

Definately one Hot Chik.
Love Ya ;-)
AKA Ellen

At 12:54 AM, Blogger theresa said...

The Men who haunt this blog are some of the finest around!

Tiger, I will keep this post around in case I ever return to my former job as a Marital Counselor.

Ellen, You were fantastic in the play! And, thanks for the props on my duds. The tiny little black skirt felt a little risky, but I just HAD to wear my new Mary Janes!

At 1:16 AM, Blogger cricket said...

**applause** :)

At 11:26 AM, Blogger Blueeyes said...

You didn't say anything about grinding up against you while you are retrieving something out of the freezer at the supermarket. Is that a No...No, too?

At 2:24 PM, Blogger cordaisy75 said...

That not only deserves an applaud, it deserves a standing fucking ovation!

At 9:42 PM, Blogger Rednaked said...

RE:#6. That is absolutely not funny! Unless I'm the one holding the covers over HIS head. BwaaHaHA

At 10:31 PM, Blogger SunsetMan said...

Rule #3. I always put the lid and seat down. I expect the women, when finished, to put the lid down also. If men have to handle the hardware before and after, so should the women. Besides, things look better with lid down.


At 10:10 PM, Blogger TryingTimes said...

These aren't rules, these are examples of being good together (in more ways than one) and respecting each other.

Cool views.

At 1:28 PM, Blogger DB said...

It's a sad state of affairs that brings you to write these. I guess I was a lucky lad, my sister taught me these rules early on, and I've never had a woman complain about me leaving the seat up.

Women, teach your boys early.


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