Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Job Opening, Apply Within

My life would be so much better if I had a HouseBoy.

Wait a minute! Why don’t I have a HouseBoy? I’m the fucking Love Goddess. Shouldn’t I have a flock of HouseBoys? Don’t deities automatically get a few servants along with their statues and temples? Hey, where are my statues and temples? Hell, now I have to write a Blog to complain about not having statues and temples. However, first things first. Right now I really have my heart set on getting myself a helpful little HouseBoy.

It’s imperative that I have someone around to take care of the day-to-day essentials in order to allow me to fully explore the depth and breadth of my potential. It would also be a fabulous job opportunity for a young person who wishes to reap the benefits of working so closely with a Goddess such as myself.

HouseBoy Job Description:
  • Must be willing to wear the HouseBoy uniform (I’m thinking thong sandals and a matching thong – simple, but elegant!)
  • Must be chatty and amusing, but not too chatty
  • Must know the art and science of Body Massage
  • Must be aware that a proper bath includes scented candles, warm fluffy towels, soothing music and either a dry martini (with at least 4 olives please) or a lovely glass of wine
  • Must be able to paint toenails without tickling or slopping polish all over my toes
  • Must be able to do a bikini wax with minimal sting
  • Must be able to stand in front of my closet and pick out the perfect outfit without having an anxiety attack, changing his mind a dozen times or crying
  • Must be clever enough to operate my vacuum cleaner (seems I’m sure the fuck not)
  • Must be an ardent warrior against dirt, dust and stains
  • Must rake, mow, trim, and mulch (the yard, not my hair)
  • Must be able to take a grocery list to the store and return without getting lost (at 40 years of age, this is still beyond my ability)
  • Must cook well without making us fat little piglets
  • Must know how to choose the perfect wine with every meal
  • Must keep track of friend’s & family member’s birthdays & anniversaries and send appropriate cards and gifts in a timely manner (hopefully no friends or family will die from the shock)
  • Must be able to bathe dogs without the traditional "stampede of shaking Crazed-Wet-Dog" that occurs afterward – and sometimes in the middle of bathtime
  • Must be on-call 24 hours per day (In case we have an emergency, like if we need condoms, or more beer and we’re too drunk to drive to the store to buy more beer)
  • And other duties as assigned

Apply TODAY! The Love Goddess Is an Equal Opportunity Employer.

* This position provides no benefits or financial compensation whatsoever.


At 10:20 AM, Blogger modgurl said...

No offence girl but those requirements sound like only gays have them.

At 10:38 AM, Blogger theresa said...

Being gay is not only non-offensive it is to be celebrated and admired. And, while stereotypes might portray gay men as having such qualities, stereotypes are huge generalizations that limit our opportunities to truly know one another.

At 9:36 PM, Blogger Blueeyes said...

Perhaps you should consider starting a House Boy Training School. Interested candidates (like me) could apply for the position on a probationary status until successful completion of the training program. Maybe the interview could include a massage and bikini wax. If marginally skilled in those areas, further training would be provided.

House Boy Training School Motto: We make you do it over until you get it right.

At 10:00 PM, Blogger theresa said...

Ahem, did anyone else notice the temperature in the room go up a few degrees? I'm going to have to get back to you on the training school idea after I take a little nap.

At 5:46 AM, Blogger Lu said...

Ooohhh, goody, goody! A HouseBoy! Can we name him Antonio?

You're moving back in, aren't you?


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