Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Dear Love Goddess,

As The Love Goddess, I get gads of mail requesting advice on the topic of Love and Sex. While I am still in the process of enthusiastically exploring the vast Universe of Love, I do the best I can to offer my support. I thought it would be interesting to share some of these correspondences.

Dear Love Goddess,
~I masturbate regularly. I don't worry about it too much because you've said on numerous occasions that masturbation is very healthy. However, my cat always watches me when I do it. Is that wrong? Could I be warping his innocent little kitty mind?
~Sincerely, The Cat’s Meow

Dear Cat’s Meow,
~Your cat is clearly stimulated by your vigorous activity, however, he’s not sexually stimulated. To kitty, it’s like watching a little mouse going in and out of a hole. As long as you’re comfortable with your pet watching, there shouldn’t be a problem. But, to ease my mind, you tidy up afterward, not kitty. Right
?
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Dear L.G.,
~I think about sex all the time. It doesn’t matter where I am, I’m always thinking about doin’ it. Whether I’m in class, grocery shopping, at the gym, or watching TV with my buddies, I’m thinking about it. Sometimes when people are talking to me, I don’t hear half of what they say because I’m thinking about sex. How can I get control of my life?
~Yours Truly, 1-Trak-Mind

Dear 1-Trak,
~Could you repeat that last part again . . . .

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Dear Love Goddess,
~How do you know when you’re really in love. Everyone says, "You just know it", but there must be a better answer than that.
~Thanks, Curious About Love

Dear Curious,
~People who say, "You just know it" are dumb-asses who haven’t had the pleasure of multiple orgasms. Once you’ve had multiples, then you know you’re in love. That is why I truly Love my Hitachi Magic Wand!

The other sign of true love is a terrible agitated feeling like poison ivy in your head.

5 Comments:

At 9:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That first one is sick and gross. Yuck! Are you sure you're not the Perv Goddess?

 
At 9:59 AM, Blogger theresa said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 9:59 AM, Blogger theresa said...

Hey Todd, or whoever you are, I'm just trying not to be judgemental. Personally, I ask my pets to leave the room when I'm having sex, whether I'm with someone else or alone.

 
At 11:18 AM, Blogger Lu said...

T: This ended up in my mailbox by mistake... ;)

Dear Love Goddess:
You frequently speak of multiple orgasms. Are you talking about during one sexual encounter with one person? Do multiple orgasms daily with multiple partners/encounters count?
Signed, I'm TRYING!

 
At 10:27 AM, Blogger theresa said...

Lu: I was also sent the same e-mail. I traced it back and found out it was from my Hitachi Magic Wand. What a Show-Off!

 

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