Monday, December 06, 2004

Danny-Boy, Cereal Girl and the Oatmeal Blowjob

I create characters that play around in my head. It’s like living with bits from a play or a story stuck inside my brain. Every so often one of these characters makes their way into my real life. One morning Cereal Girl made an appearance.

In my mind, Cereal Girl looks like Amanda Plummer. She has a really high hoarse voice with one volume, LOUD. She hangs around the house almost all the time, wearing ratty house-slippers and a bathrobe. For some odd reason, she’s usually sporting a shower cap – probably because she’s not right. Most mornings, Cereal Girl spends an inordinate amount of time preparing the perfect bowl of oatmeal. She loves oatmeal more than anything else. Sometimes she eats it for every meal.

Cereal Girl may have been a shock to Dan, the sweet, yet quirky 23 year-old who was temporarily living in our spare room. I didn’t care. I was bored and I wanted to amuse myself. I decided to let Cereal Girl out to play. Here’s what I remember of our conversation that morning:

Cereal Girl: (Screeching, even though Dan is only 10 feet away) Hey Danny Boy, ya want some oatmeal?
Dan: huh? …ahhh, no I don’t think so.
Cereal Girl: Why not? Ya know I make it perfect like.
Dan: I already ate.
Cereal Girl: Aw Come-on Danny, yur not still sore bout last night are ya?
Dan: (Confused look)
Cereal Girl: Ya know I don’t like ta fuck when I’m having my period.
Dan: (brows tightly knitted together) What are you talking about?
Cereal Girl: I knows you were drunk baby, but I can’t believe ya don’t remember crawlin on toppa me for a booty-call. Did ya really want all that blood all over the fuckin place?
Dan: (mumbling) what the fuck?
Cereal Girl: Now whatcha talkin about there Danny Boy? Did you just say what I think you said?
Dan: I didn’t say anything
Cereal Girl: You want me to do WHAT with this oatmeal?
Dan: (eyes shifting back and forth, looking for the nearest exit)
Dan: I didn’t say that!
Cereal Girl: Oh yeah, that sounds reeeaallly nice Danny. You fucking sick bastard!
Cereal Girl: Come-on Danny, don’t you come near me.
Cereal Girl: You say it’ll feel nice and hot and creamy? Is that why you always stare at me when I’m eating my breakfast? God you’re a fuckin piece of work!
Dan: (smiling as if he gets the punch-line)
Cereal Girl: God Danny, stop your whining and begging. I’m not gonna give ya an oatmeal blowjob.
Cereal Girl: Get the fuck away from me!
Dan: (playing his part) Come-on baby, just a little one?
Cereal Girl: For fuck’s sake Danny, just let me eat my oatmeal in peace. You are one sick muther-fucker. Ya know that? This is fucking cereal, not something to stick your dick in. God, you make me sick. I don't even think I can eat my oatmeal anymore. See whatcha went and did? Ya ruined my breakfast.
Dan: Hey baby, you know I think you’re the most beautiful girl in the world. Won’t you do this for me just this once?

Theresa: (normal voice) Dan, what the fuck are you doing? You should be ashamed of yourself. Damn. Kids these days. What will you sick little bastards think up next? Did you really think I was going to give you an oatmeal blowjob? Who thinks up that shit?

Unfortunately, my husband hates Cereal Girl. He says her voice grates on his nerves. So, the poor girl can’t come out when he’s around. Thankfully, Dan loves her. Cereal Girl will love Danny Boy forever and ever, even though he’s one sick muther-fucker.
If you want to visit Danny-boy, go to:


At 5:27 PM, Blogger Goldfish Shoals said...

This sounds like Disney movie in the making. I would totally rent it.

At 7:36 PM, Blogger Kay said...

I like Cereal Girl. Let me know if she starts her own blog.

At 1:06 AM, Blogger Dannyness said...

Ah, Cereal Girl. Part of a balanced breakfast, yes. But also part of an UNbalanced mind.

For the record it was love and/or lust at first sight when it came to me and Cereal girl. The shrill, voice is so sweet even the milk turns chocolate. I have this recurring sex dream with CG. Where we're trying to find Lucky and his Lucky charms. Somehow we get separated from the group and she gives me this come hither smile. As she unbuttons my pants I can tell she's just gone cuckoo for Co-co Puffs. She drops to her knees like a quaker. Quaker Oats, that is. BAH HA! Anyway. It doesn't stop there. I stay crunchy in milk, yo! Snap, crackle, pop and the next thing we know we both collapse in post-coital bliss. I tell you. My testicles feel like crunch berries just thinking about it.

(sigh) I'm going to get my ass kicked for this response.


At 8:17 AM, Blogger theresa said...

Danny - You'll always be the Apple in my Apple Jacks! Miss you baby!

At 4:21 AM, Anonymous adult dating said...

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