Friday, November 26, 2004

Three-Car Pile-Up

There is a huge price to pay for being a Love Goddess. When you love deeply, freely and easily, your heart is constantly exposed and vulnerable. Sure, the rewards are unbelievably mind-blowing. I live for the moments when I connect with another and the love that I give is received. Those connections grow with enriching intimacy. I’m not just talking about romantic/sexual relationships; loving friendships are equally rewarding and just as painful when they end. However, at this juncture in my life, I am nursing two broken hearts of the romantic flavor.

As a person who challenges rules and norms when they don’t seem fitting, I have created a lifestyle that some term "alternative". At any point in time, I may have 2 to 4 men as part of my lovelife, hence, the label "Love Goddess" has attached itself to me. To some folks, my life appears to be a challenge in juggling time, emotions and needs. To others, they envy my stamina, as well as my ability to negotiate such relationships with candor and honesty. Other people simply judge me to be immoral and greedy. At times like this, I too question my choices and wish for a simple life. Actually, even in the best of times, I sometimes wish for a simple life.

I’ve been truly, deeply and intensely in love three times in my life. I’m talking about the kind of love that lasts forever. It’s the sort of love that drives you to be your very best because it reminds you of how much you love yourself. This is the kind of love made of magic. It’s worth fighting for, but when you’re forced to throw in the towel, you’re left in ruins.

So two months ago I ended a 7-year relationship with one of these loves. In order to deal with it, I moved out. I moved back in today. My heart still aches every time I look at him. Since he still lives in my house, I have to look at him a lot. I’m trying very hard to be honest with myself and not buy into anger and resentment to detour around the pain. Unfortunately, he has chosen to deny that he loves me so his pain will go away faster. How do people do that? Do they wake up one day and say to themselves, "Ouch, loving her hurts. I just won’t love her anymore." I wish I could do that.

One of my other true loves lives in the house too. It really sucks for him. I’m in awe of his ability to stick with me through all of this crap.

Several months ago I looked up the third of my loves (although he was actually the first). I hadn’t spoken to him for 13 years. Through all those years, I thought of him almost daily. Although entirely by phone and e-mail, our re-connection was phenomenal. He had also kept me near him through the years. I was astounded that he remembered every detail about our time together.

He broke my heart twice before. You’d think I would have learned my lesson. I was cautious this time, but I haven’t much for defenses. Within a few weeks I was deeply involved once again. It was richly rewarding and I have no regrets. Hell, I’d have another go if he asked. However, due to somewhat vague reasons, another chapter has ended for us and the pain is as real and paralyzing as ever.

So here I am, a twisted mass of arms and legs; A three-car pile-up on the highway of love. Although I’m old enough to know that a broken heart is survivable, age does nothing to dull the pain.

10 Comments:

At 4:34 PM, Blogger Kay said...

Ouch. I know how mindfucking that "yes I swore I'd be in love with you always but now I'm not; I can't be" response is. You don't know whether to trust your instincts or tell yourself you're fooling yourself and listen to what he's saying.

Good luck, Theresa.

 
At 11:16 PM, Blogger dwduck said...

When do you know when it is time to throw in the towel? To give up? I don't give up very easily though. I am in a really awkward situation that is really hard to explain.

 
At 12:42 AM, Blogger theresa said...

duck: Your question is a really tough one, and subject to individual circumstances. When things feel utterly hopeless, I'm completely out of energy, and I'm in enough pain to say "uncle", I know it's over.

If we can help with your awkward situation, let us know. We seem to have a bit of experience with awkward, complicated, unusual and bizarre relationships.

 
At 8:49 AM, Blogger dwduck said...

But that's the thing though...I do not give up. Maybe that's what's bad about me.

 
At 8:54 AM, Blogger dwduck said...

Theresa,

Was this close to e-mailing you with a ten-page report...but decided not to. :) Maybe some things are best to be decided and left alone and to be decided by the other person.

 
At 9:10 AM, Blogger audrey said...

It takes great courage to be able to feel the ability to fall in love again after the suffering lingering pain of a broken heart. I admire you for being brave enough to want to love someone again and to take the risk of it not working. Some people find it easier to shirk away from relationships after getting their heart broken but that is merely living on the surface. Perhaps we take something from each relationship experience to enhance the next one that finds us?

 
At 1:35 PM, Blogger theresa said...

Duck: Perhaps the knowing when to stop is a learning process. I once broke up with a guy 7 times before it finally stuck. He really wasn't good for me. We're still friends, but we made terrible lovers.

Also, you can e-mail if you want. Sometimes it helps to vent some air-holes for your brain. That's what this blog site does for me.

audrey - It's either courage or some kind of masochistic tendency. Actually, I am completely fascinated by Love, and the only way to learn about it is to live it, including the painful parts. Take a really big breath and dive in the deep end.

 
At 12:40 AM, Blogger dwduck said...

Just vented. Check your e-mail. :)

 
At 1:35 PM, Blogger Lu said...

I believe that each successive relationship we have is enriched by the previous one. We have to learn lessons from pain, or we're bound to relive it until we do.

I evaluate my relationships nearly every day by weighing the good against the bad, much like the statue of Justice. When the scales tip toward the bad stuff, and either stay the same or get worse, I figure it's time to go. The trick is remembering how things weighed out in the end instead of forgetting either the good or the bad.

My partner likes to quote The Accidental Tourist: "Not only do I love you, but I love who I am when I'm with you."

 
At 9:10 AM, Blogger Lu said...

Just a thought... did you ever notice that broken hearts almost always heal? If only we could remember that when we have one.

 

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