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Dear Santa

It’s a little late to send a letter to Santa this year, so unless he reads my blog I'm SOL. It seems I’m always rushing about to get everything done at the last minute, including asking for things. Anyway, if the Fat ol’ Jolly man happens to blog on by…

Dear Santa,
Even though I’m a bit naughty sometimes, I’m doing better. You can tell because I’ve really worked on my impulsivity problem. I hardly ever wake up the cats or Monkey-man just because I'm bored and want someone to play with. I haven’t pinched anyone for the hell of it, except Steve (and he acted like a big baby even though I didn’t do it very hard). I only did that thing where I pretended I was giving an ice cream cone a blow job once, even though it was really fun and I wanted to do it again. And, I’ve only accidentally flashed one person all year – Sorry Mr. Mailman.

I’ve also tried not to lie as often. It’s really hard sometimes because I think up a lot of funny stories to tell people that will make their eyes get big when they say, "REALLY, is that true?" I still get the giggles when I think about the time that I told Monkey-Man’s Mom about the Albino Colony over on Kirkwood Boulevard. She bought all that shit about the special housing units with the tinted glass and the fact that they preferred to live here because the University Hospital specializes in congenital dermatological abnormalities. Can you really blame me for getting a kick out of that? The look on her face when I finally fessed-up was priceless. It was worth it when you didn’t bring me a present that year. But, I swear, this year I haven’t told any whoppers like that ……. when I told my boss that I was on Star Search with Brittney Spears, I think he knew I was just kidding.

Also, I’ve tried to be nicer to people that I don’t like very much. There was that guy at work who made a totally rude disgusting pass at me, and he always smirks while he stares at my tits and my ass whenever I’m around him. When I met his wife a few months later, I was really nice. I made it a point to spend the whole evening with them and I got particularly chummy with the wife. Don’t you think that was a generous offering of my time and energy? I wonder why he looked so uncomfortable all night?

So, if you still think I’m too naughty for presents, I’ll just have to try harder this year. If you think I’ve improved enough, this is what I’d like:

1. A Bee-Hive style wig (black)
2. A G-Spotter attachment for my Hitachi Magic Wand
3. New sneakers
4. Black evening gloves that go all the way to my elbows
5. My own room
6. A prosthetic forehead for my real head
7. A broken-heart repair kit (the multiple use model)
8. The real Wonder Woman invisible jet plane
9. A car just like mine, only without the dirt, dog hair and crap in the back seat
10. A great new job
11. Matching furniture
12. One of those kitchen utencil-type things that cores and slices apples in one nifty swift motion

posted by Theresa @ 12/24/2004 03:18:00 AM