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National Start a Rumor Day

If you ever find yourself in a lack-luster social situation (such as your boring job), may I suggest you start a rumor for your own private amusement. It's my belief that it's best to start rumors about yourself. It cuts down on the bad karma factor, as well as the possible ass-kicking in the parking lot at a later date.

People love a good rumor, but you need to take care that you develop your rumor carefully so it has the desired effect.

1. You should make it shocking (think of what Maury or Riki Lake like to indulge in).
2. It should be somewhat believable (but don't be too conservative, you'd be surprised about what people will latch onto).
3. It should be something that should never be repeated.

In order to successfully perpetuate your rumor you either need to acquire an accomplice, or you need to confide in the single most loose-lipped person in the place. If you have an accomplice, she/he should begin spreading the rumor with hush-hush wonton abandon. If you use the loose-lipped, feign neediness and tell them that you can no longer keep your dreadful secret to yourself. Tentatively ask them if they can keep a secret. When they are on the edge of their seat, pour your heart out.

Examples of juicy rumors:

• You are worried about your history as a porn actress interrupting your current successful life.
• You've had extreme cosmetic surgery, but the implants are getting hard as rocks and you're worried that people can tell.
• You're having sex with your partner 5 times a day, plus masturbating when he's not around, and you're worried you might be a sex addict.
• You stayed late at work last night, photo copied your ass and left the Xerox copies on your bosses desk (since it really didn't happen you can't get in trouble)
• You think Ben Affleck is speaking to you through secret messages encoded in People Magazine.

The most enjoyable rumor that I designed was with my tantalizingly naughty accomplice, Ruth. I asked Ruth to suggest to others, "Have you ever noticed how large Theresa's hands are? They are bigger than most men's hands aren't they? They look like Man-hands! And, in the right light, I swear I can see an adam's apple. I swear she's really a man. Besides, that whole girlie-girl act is way too fakey."

As our beloved Oscar Wilde said, "The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about." Start a rumor about yourself and have some fun!

posted by Theresa @ 11/09/2004 09:43:00 PM