The Fine Art of Avoiding Success
** (time-out for a report from the real world) **Yesterday, my company Division Director was patrolling my podville neighborhood (Hot Chiks, South). As usual, he couldn’t pass by without flipping me some shit. At the time, I was sitting extra close to my monitor because I forgot to wear my reading glasses (which were conveniently located on top of the monitor). My proximity to the screen gave him an excuse to jokingly accuse me of sleeping.
I don’t know about you, but I don’t think I should have to put up with that kind of crap. Mr. Smarty-Pants Big-Shot received the following memo from me earlier today.
Dear Mr. F,
Although I wasn't napping yesterday, later in the afternoon, after a sizable lunch, I thought about it and decided it was a pretty good idea. One of your best, actually.
Since management typically provides the necessary resources for all work-place activities, please stop by sometime early this afternoon with a pillow for me. As you so wisely pointed out, we don't want to risk an injury if I bang my head against the monitor.
Thanks ever so much.
Insincerely, Theresa
P.S. Be sure to get a hypo-allergenic pillow. You know how sensitive I am.
This is why I’ll never get promoted. At the same time, I’ll probably never get fired either. It's an art, I tell you! I bet I can work the rest of my life in corporate America and never be given any additional responsibility whatsoever.
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Addendum: The Diversity Committee also rejected my idea of celebrating the wide and varying range of Sexual Fetishes with a visual display on the cafeteria bulletin board.
Damn Tight-Asses!
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Update: Later today, Mr. F made a special visit to Hot Chiks South. He informed me that he was unable to locate a "non-allergeric" (his word, not mine) pillow.
Even though I wasn't surprised that he'd shown up empty-handed, I replied "and, I suppose you still expect me to show up for work tomorrow?"
He mumbled something about being happy with my other benefits ... 401K, stock options, blah, blah, blah ... but by then, I'd already interrupted him to ask if he had time to wash my car.
posted by Theresa @ 6/27/2006 11:31:00 AM
20 Comments:
Oh, I want to work in the cubicle over the wall from yours. We could throw things and make inappropriate comments all day long.
Popeye - I haven't said so before, but I've been thinking for a while that this sort of career change would be very good for you. I promise, you won't ever think about work in the middle of the night ... except the funny parts.
Oh! and if we worked together, you could join my coalition to change "Casual Days" to "Clothing Optional Days".
Laurie - Indeed, it would be good for employee morale. I bet all those closet Latex and Leather Freaks would get a nice little boost if they had a bit of affirmation.
Hey! We have room for one more Hot Chik in Hot Chiks South. You'd be perfect!
Dick - Don't think for a minute that I've given up!
Besides, I woke up in a foul mood this morning. The only solution is to amuse myself at the expense of others :) My ultimate goal is the use the phrase: "Listen you punk ass little fuck, do you know who the fuck I am?" at least once today ... it may sound intimidating in black and white, but it's a hoot when a fuzzy-headed, smirking blonde chik says it.
Nice! LOL
This is great. . . i love you. sorry i've been incognito. Crazy life we live. Hope all is well over there.
You're always able to get a reaction no matter the topic you write about. I love it all. DOn't stop!
Theresa - I'm loving your style.
I had a boss (extremely senior) who confided in me one day at staff drinks that I had "the most perfect set of breasts".
I smiled at him and said "Would you like me to show them to you?"
He nearly jumped out of his skin with excitement.
When he had calmed down I said "Well there's a few things you'll have to do for me first."
I then gave him an outrageous list of tongue-in-cheek demands and slave tasks. He ended up doing every single one that was physically possible to achieve, on a regular basis. (eg chauffeurring me from my office to his whenever we had a meeting - we worked in different buildings. Plus lots of silly little shit).
This went on for 18 months until I moved interstate. I never showed him my tits.
Oh so this means I won't get promoted too?
T-
you're a riot!
Andy - Thanks
Stephen - We've missed you.
Jenny - If I start to lose my touch, I'll threaten nekkid pics.
Imelda - Along with the great tits, do you also have a pair of really big balls stashed away somewhere?
Spin - I think you're dangerously close to future success, my friend. Unlike me, you seem to work hard and give a damn.
Joy - If this amuses you, I may have to "borrow" my Supervisor's cell phone and prank-call the Company CEO while he's on the golf course Friday afternoon. It was only a whispered threat last week, but you know how I am. Just a little encouragement goes a long way.
You should be promoted to CEO. Corporate America needs more funny, brilliant women with your style.
Michelle - While I believe I deserve the 6 bzillion dollars a year they pay our CEO, these people don't have your superior creativity or vision. Can you believe they nixed my idea to turn the cafeteria into a Salsa Dance Hall and call it, "La Cantina Flamingo"? I really think it would have improved employee morale.
** I think I still have a copy of the rejection memo in the archives of my work email. It was from all three Directors and the head of HR. It was priceless! Perhaps it was my additional suggestion that they provide employees with an endless supply of candy corn that pushed them over the edge.
This may be one of the best! It's certainly the best of my day!
I hope the alphabet soul isn't hard today! Looks like cgtsdcbd? Might be!
Oh, girl! Take no prisoners! Or, if you do, take me!
If I don't thrill you like you'd hope for, I'll quip you to death!
My friend...it is an art to fight fire with fire and not get burned. Many, many times, though, you just want to put the water / fire extinguisher on it, once and for all! :)
DICK THE BOOMER...I miss reading your blog, sir!
Ron - I never quite know what to do with you, Babe! But, I'll love ya always!
Steve - It's only funny because it HAS to be. The place is a powder-keg. Either we have a good time, or we wonder which of us will become the loner on the roof with a rifle.
... maybe I was exagerating a little bit. They're only exporting 20% of our jobs overseas. What do we have to piss and moan about? That's what unemployment compensation is for. Right?
LOL! "401K, stock options, blah, blah, blah ... but by then, I'd already interrupted him to ask if he had time to wash my car."
Sorry to say but my direct reports have cubes - I do encourage them to customize their cube (aka - cell). Last year I helped one fashion a cube rook using poster board. The we poked a bunch of little holes in it and pushed in multi-colored christmas lights (just the bulbs) through the holes. It was fun - then HR made him get rid of them. They said it was a risk of fire - HR sucks the fun out of life
Zooom - When you laugh, I laugh.
Al - You'd be a fantastic boss. Any openings?
Fortunately our HR guy thinks I'm funny, even when he has to pretend to tow the line. Every once in a while we take a time out for a private meeting to talk about who we think all the really freaky pervs are in the building.
Hilarious.
I challenge you to a game of cubicle whack-a-mole: Do you want to hold the paper towel cardboard tube, or would you rather jump up from your side from random locations? Your call.
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