Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Albino Frogs and Bisexual Lemurs are Too Gimmicky

There’s nothing like a good story. Unfortunately, good story-tellers are hard to find. My friend P’s Dad is a Champ when it comes to stringing you along on a good juicy tale. The best part is, he tells ‘em like they’re the truth even when it’s all a Big Fat Lie! To him, life is one big fish tale.

I love to tell Story-Lies too. It’s a hint of naughty and it allows me the opportunity to entertain with the reward of a genuine laugh. My problem comes at the end when someone inevitably says, "You’re kidding?!?!". I always admit, "Yeah, I pretty much made the whole thing up." Story-Lies are fun, but I can’t stick to them very long. They can also be painful. The fessing up sometimes results in a sock in the arm. It’s all right though. I just rub it a bit and enjoy my victory song.

"I fooled you. I fooled you. Ha, Ha, Ha, I fooled you!"

So Cricket decided to have a
Story Contest about the origin of her name. Since the true story of her unique name lacks a certain spark of interest, she REQUIRES a better one. As I consider all the possible origins of the name "Cricket" I’m trying hard to resist the urge to include plots involving albino frogs or bisexual Lemurs. Frankly those gimmicks have been way over-done, don’tcha think?

As you know, every good Story-Lie has an element of truth to it, so I took it upon myself to give ol’ Cricket’s Mom a jingle to see if I couldn’t find out if there was more than she had been telling her sweet daughter all these years. That phone call was definitely worth my time and effort. Once I jogged Mrs. Cricket’s Mom’s memory, she had a lot more to tell.

Way back in the day, a lot of us enjoyed watching the Sonny and Cher Show on TV. It was always good fun to see the beautiful Cher making shit outta her funny-looking little hubby, Sonny (god-rest-his-soul). Every week it was a little sad when the show came to an end, but at least we got to see sweet little Chastity as she joined her folks on stage to sing, I Got You Babe. They seemed like the perfect family.

They looked like the perfect family, but as history has proven, all was not well. One day, before the official split, Cher announced that she needed a break, "Man, Sonny, Man" (Cher says Man a lot) "Watch the kid a while, would ya. Man, I gotta get some fresh air." And, she hopped in her VW mini-bus (the one with the flowers painted all over the sides) and headed over to the Folk Music Festival at the University campus.

Cher had no trouble making friends at the music festival. With one sexy swing of her long black hair, she was shackin’ up with a groovy guy with a suede jacket with fringes along the sleeves. They spent three gorgeous days hangin’ out, listening to music and making sweet love in the sunshine. Each night he sang her a lullaby as she went to sleep. He called it the Cricket Lullaby. It was the stupidest song Cher had ever heard. However, she forgave and tolerated him because he was hung like a mule and didn’t annoy her the way Sonny did. She just smiled and pretended to go to sleep. By the end of the festival, Cher felt rejuvenated and ready to face the problems
at home again. She said goodbye to her weekend lover and promised never to forget him as long as she lived.

Back at home things didn’t get better. In fact, they got much worse, especially after Cher discovered that she was "with child". Sonny was furious because he knew it couldn’t be his baby. He was a Counter (the days in between sex). Neither Sonny nor Cher could bear to make this new babe’s existence public knowledge. As a result, they lost their show and struggled to keep their family together. The closer it got to her due date, the thicker the tension became at the Sonny and Cher home.

Cher was at her wit’s end. She realized that her predicament was even worse than people would’ve expected from a "Half-Breed" such as herself. She couldn’t even remember the baby’s daddy’s name. She just referred to him as the Cricket Song Singer. Impulsively one evening, she jumped into her VW bus and started driving into the desert. She was running crazy with no plan and no destination. She drove and she cried and she drove and she cried. When the van ran out of gas and sputtered to a stop, she had no idea where she was.

Finally, in the darkness of the desert, Cher stopped crying. She felt numb … And then she felt wet. "Man! Oh Man! My fucking water just broke, Man" she announced to the night. Panic set in. She had nowhere to go and no one to help her. The only thing she could think to do was lay on the horn and hope someone heard her.

As the contractions became stronger and closer together, Cher became more and more panicked. Just before all hope seemed lost, she saw a light in the distance. She eagerly waddled onto the highway to meet her saviors.

A young couple stopped their car and eagerly assisted the former TV star in the delivery of her child. They were just in time too. The baby popped out within 15 minutes of their arrival. After the delivery, Cher cuddled and talked to her precious new baby girl. "Man, Hello Little Cricket Singer, Man" she said to the tiny little thing.

As they sat together in the back of Cher’s van, she told the young couple her story of woe. She even sang part of the Cricket song so they knew how awful it really was. They spent the rest of the night refilling the VW gas tank and collecting things for the baby. Cher was impressed with the couple's willingness to stick around until they knew that she and the babe were going to be okay.

As Cher prepared to leave the couple and return home, she turned to the young wife and asked her to hold the baby for a while. The wife assumed this meant 5 minutes while Cher organized the baby’s things. However, as the wife cuddled and talked to the wee little babe, Cher tore off down the road and never looked back. The couple stared after the flower-covered VW bus as it became a little dot on the horizon, and then they turned to one another and stared for an equally long time.

Without having any other name, the young couple called the baby Little Cricket-Singer. This eventually became just Cricket. In almost the same amount of time the young couple became known as "Mom" and "Dad".

If you have a hankerin’ to tell a whopper yourself, head on over to Alli’s new BIG FAT LIES Blog.


At 9:39 AM, Blogger Kay said...

Unfortunately, I suck at telling lies of any kind. It may be my ethics, or my really bad memory, or my sheer laziness, but I am a truth machine. Sigh.

At 10:06 AM, Blogger Tiger said...

me too... as Kayten said I mean... I am a really sucky liar. :)
You however--rock. This was awesome. :)

At 10:22 AM, Blogger theresa said...

Personal ethics prevent me from ever sticking to my story. And, since it's really all about telling a story, I don't have to remember nuthin.

The one question that keeps coming up over and over again is, What to do with a naughty girl who keeps telling stories?
Perhaps it all comes down to creativity and nerve.

At 12:11 PM, Blogger cricket said...

omg, that is awesome!!! :D

At 5:02 PM, Blogger Blueeyes said...

You must remember that everything that I say is true is, in fact, false. This makes telling a lie very difficult, and pretty much removes me from the Big Liar storytelling contest. How about a contest where I tell you a story that I honestly believe is true, but in reality I'm wrong? Does that count?

At 7:39 PM, Blogger theresa said...

Hey Cricket, when you are reunited with your bio-Mom, Cher and hang out with cool famous people, can we still be friends?

At 10:18 PM, Blogger cricket said...

but of course!! they won't accept me immediately, you know...and chastity and elijiah blue aren't gonna want to have anything to do with me...what with my bastard love child status and all.... :) besides, i'm not the type to drop're stuck with me :D

At 5:32 PM, Blogger Pantiespantiespanties said...

Dude, Cher's your MOM. Wow! People must always be asking you how old you are, though: what a bummer. I've always wanted to be Richard Simmon's son, so I guess we're kind of alike, huh?

At 12:19 PM, Blogger Lu said...

Shameless name-dropping: I once partied in Sonny & Cher's first home, their "Love Nest." At the time (1979) it was owned by Paco, whose father was an Ambassador from the Philippines.
Do you think I made that up?


Post a Comment

<< Home