Saturday, January 15, 2005

Is That Chik on Crack or Cunnilingus?

Do you ever wonder what a woman is thinking about when you’re going down on her? Wait a second. I better be more specific. Do you ever wonder what I’m thinking about when someone is going down on me?

Since I’m not getting any (day 15 of 2005, Year of Cunnilingus), I thought it might be good to evaluate some of the little mental barriers that sometimes impair my ability to fully enjoy the experience. Here’s how the cunny-session usually goes:

There are three participants: Him, Outside Me and (Inside Me)

  • Him: You look good enough to eat.
  • Outside Me: I think you should find out if that’s true.
  • (Inside Me): Jeez, be more obvious and push his head between your legs.
  • Him: This does taste good.
  • Outside Me: Feels pretty nice too.
  • (Inside Me): When did I last trim things up down there? The poor man is probably going to suffocate. Won’t that be a nice story to tell the paramedics!
  • Him: You like what I’m doing?
  • Outside Me: That’s perfect. Keep doing that a while.
  • (Inside Me): Fuck! Shit! Fuck! When’s the last time you got you period girl? 28th, 27th, 26th ...
  • Outside Me: Ummmm, ooo baby that’s perfect.
  • (Inside Me): 25th, 24th, 23rd …
  • Him: I’m glad you like it.
  • (Inside Me): … 22nd, 21st…whew okay. I’m fine. Nothing to worry about.
  • Him: You alright? Seems like you tensed up a bit.
  • Outside Me: Oh, everything’s just fine. You’re doing great. Perfect, honey. Really. Perfect.
  • (Inside Me): Fuck, he knows I’m a crazy bitch.
  • Him: Are you sure?
  • Outside Me: Really, I’m fine.
  • (Inside Me): Just relax for fuck’s sake. This is supposed to be fun.
  • Him: Just relax.
  • Outside Me: This is great. You’re great. Please, do more.
  • (Inside Me): At this rate, I’m never going to cum.
  • Him: That’s better. You seem more relaxed.
  • Outside Me: Wow! That feels so good.
  • (Inside Me): Just concentrate on what he’s doing and stop thinking about dumb shit.
  • Outside Me: Ummmm
  • Him: You really like that don’t you?
  • Outside Me: Exactly. And, do that other thing with your finger too.
  • (Inside Me): Was that too bossy?
  • Him: Like that?
  • Outside Me: That’s right.
  • (Inside Me): This feels great, but I’m not even close yet. This poor guy is going to need a cast on his tongue by the time I cum.
  • Him: How are you doing?
  • Outside Me: Great. It feels really good.
  • (Inside Me): See, he wants me to cum now, but I can’t. Fuck! And Damn, why do I keep thinking about my fat thighs?
  • Outside Me: God baby, you are really good.
  • (Inside Me): Wish I, Wish I, Wish I could even get close to cumming!
  • Outside Me: How are you doing?
  • Him: I’m doing fine.
  • (Inside Me): Is he really fine? Or is he saying he’s fine because he doesn’t want to disappoint me?
  • Outside Me: Damn this feels good.
  • (Inside Me): Do I keep enjoying this and hope I cum? Do I suggest we move on to a different event? Or do I do the god-awful Fake-O and hope I can relax the next time?

Doesn’t that sound like every man’s fantasy?
I suppose now that I’ve revealed what’s running through my unstable mind while I’m getting head, I’ve reduced my chances of finding an eager muff-diver even further.


* That last Fake-O option is really not okay, but every girl has at least thought about it once or twice. The problem is that once you do it, you feel like crap. Think about it, if you can’t be honest about orgasms, what can you be honest about?

12 Comments:

At 2:06 AM, Blogger Jay said...

What, none of these?
(Inside Me): "Why is he doing it like that?"
.(Inside Me): "Don't speed up now, slow down"
.(Inside Me): "Don't slow down now, speed up"
.(Inside Me): "I have to go shopping right when we're done"
.(Inside Me): "We're going to be broke if we don't cut back spending"

 
At 4:03 AM, Blogger theresa said...

You are sooooo married!

 
At 4:04 AM, Blogger theresa said...

Not that it's a bad thing to be married. You just have a different "Inside" voice. It's definitely just as funny!

 
At 12:58 PM, Blogger dwduck said...

WOW! Quack! ;)

 
At 7:37 PM, Blogger Jay said...

Sorry, that wasn't my inside voice. It was what I suspect my wife's thinking when she doesn't seem that into it.

I'm dude. I think:
Yummy, yummy, yummy. I hope she'll let me eat her again after we F*.

Jay

 
At 12:45 AM, Blogger theresa said...

Hmmm, what are guys really thinking about?

 
At 1:47 AM, Blogger Corey Michael Mayo said...

(Inside Him): I'm doing this wrong--she's wishing I knew what I was doing better....

or

(Inside Him): She's going to give up on me and just politely tell me to stop....

At least guys won't generally fake an old jaw injury on you and they won't admit they're in pain after awhile. Any guy who really cares about women, anyway...

 
At 3:10 AM, Blogger theresa said...

Corey - You hit on the exact dilema. If I suggest we do something else because I think he's getting tired, does he think that I think he's not doing it right? It's very difficult, especially in the beginning. We want to have a good time, and we want to be honest and communicate well, but we are also afraid to be too honest. Damn, I'm too old for this shit!

 
At 8:45 AM, Blogger Lu said...

T--try this method if you think he's tiring but don't want to hurt his feelings: say (passionately, of course), "F* me right now, baby!" and let him cum, then during after-play say, "That was great--I could have let you go on eating me forever!" No Fake-O needed and his ego remains intact!

Lu

 
At 10:37 AM, Blogger theresa said...

Perhaps I'm missing something, Lu. You're prescibing an exciting way of suggesting a different event, which is also very nice for me, but in your scenario, do I ever have an orgasm? (not that it's always necessary in order to have a good time)

 
At 11:28 AM, Blogger Chick said...

Oh, girlie...how I love this post!

It rings soooo true. Especially the part about having so much anxiety when things don't progress quickly enough. The part about wishing you could...& not...but saying everything is fine...so true!!!!

 
At 2:44 PM, Blogger Glorious Nonsense said...

My inside mantra:
Don't fart don't fart don't fart don't fart don't fart.

 

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