Friday, January 14, 2005

Do You Have References?

It’s January 14, 2005. Two weeks into The Year of Cunnilingus! There are only 50 more weeks left people!!! What is happening that I have yet to experience the joy and bliss that has been so beautifully described on this very blog? I feel like a hypocrite and a fraud (and now even a bit melodramatic). One has to admit that there is something amiss. I am a willing participant, and according to the comments I've read, there are other willing and eager participants out in the world. Surely a few of them live in my time zone. I may have to become more active in my efforts to get what I so desperately desire.

How fortunate that my girl Ruth came around to shoot the shit with me tonight. After rolling through the obligatory hum-drum office gossip, we finally got around to the most important subject: MY SEX
LIFE (or lack thereof). We both agreed that my current dry spell has been going on far too long. We also agreed that avoiding BAD SEX is a high priority. Bad Sex was the unfortunate theme of 2004. It was also the cause of much lamenting, at least two temper tantrums and even a few tears. This means I can’t take the easy way out and go for the sure thing. Quality is the primary goal.

After Ruth and I reviewed some of my 2004 blunders with Bad Kisser Guy (it never went any further than that), It’s-All-About-Me Guy, Ouch-Clip-Your-Nails-&-Stop-Doing-Things-That-Hurt Guy and Needs-To-Get-Off-The-Sauce Guy, we talked a bit about the things I remember about good sex
with men who seem to give a rat's ass. Do they still exist in real life? Or only in Blog-land?

I’ve been genuinely moved by some of the comments I’ve read from men about how they feel about sex
with women. It gives me a glimmer of hope. But, today's issue is how to find a real live man who thinks like my Blog-Mates, AND who wants to dive down into my yonder?

Being the kick-ass, problem-solving Hot Chiks that we are, Ruth and I came up with a plan. We decided to develop a formal interview process for potential lovers. This is where I’m going to need some reader input. I’ve got a few ideas for interview questions, but I need to get some of the bugs out. Here's my list of questions so far. Imagine you are interested in getting to know me a little bit better. How would it be if I asked you these questions?
  1. List 5 adjectives for the Pussy?
  2. How do you feel about receiving oral sex?
  3. How do you feel about giving oral sex?
  4. Describe your technique(s)?
  5. What do you like to do before cunnilingus?
  6. What do you like to do after cunnilingus?
  7. How can you tell if a woman is having an orgasm?
  8. How do you feel after you’ve helped a woman reach orgasm through cunnilingus?
  9. Describe what you see when you look into a pussy?
  10. How long is too long to be performing cunnilingus?
  11. What are your thoughts on shaving or trimming? (If you know me, you know this could be the deal-breaker)
  12. Do you ever use the words "Pussy" or "Cunt" in a derogatory manner?
  13. Is this interview turning you on?

So tell me what you think. Am I on to something here? Is it better than credit card phone sex? Do you want me now? Do I have a chance in hell?

I can’t wait to try this interview idea out. If it works, there will be no more bad sex. First, I’ll have to find a willing participant who doesn’t run shrieking into the night due to fear and intimidation.

9 Comments:

At 6:14 AM, Blogger John Q. Public said...

Yay, I'm first today!!! Intriguing questions, which I'll attempt to answer:

1. Twat, beaver, snatch, cunt, slit

2. Love to receive oral, not necesarilly to completion - depends on the mood

3. Love to give oral. Mmmmmm. There's not much better in life than loving a pussy.

4. Technique? Never rough, cover the entire pussy with licks and kisses, don't focus solely on the clit. Every woman is different with her likes and dislikes when it comes to oral, so you have to adapt and find what she likes.

5. Before cunniligus? Kissing. Lots of it. Kissing the mouth, the neck, behind the ears, the underside of the breasts, the nipples, behind the knees, the feet (gotta be clean, though), tons of time spent all around the thighs, hips, butt, the small of the back. Whispering in her ear her how incredibly hot she is.

6. After cunniligus? See above.

7. Difficult question to answer. I've generally found that the blush on the chest and the occasional squirt are dead giveaways.

8. How do I feel after helping a woman reach orgasm? Jeez, I have no idea. I'm far too caught up enjoying what I've been doing with her to really think about it.

9. What do I see? Beauty. Pussy is beautiful (with the usual caveats thrown in).

10. How long is too long? Again, every woman is different. If her frustration is evident, it's time to stop. Asking generally helps, I've found.

11. Neatly trimmed, thank you.

12. Derogatory? Nope.

13. Yes, very much so. I'm feeling a definite tightness in the pants as I answer these questions.

 
At 9:22 AM, Blogger theresa said...

Thank you very much Mr. Joe. You did very well. We particularly enjoyed your answers to questions 5 and 13. I'm sure we'll be calling you for a 2nd interview. Will next week work for you?

 
At 10:16 AM, Blogger Ed said...

Don't feel bad, Theresa, it can't be that easy to find the right participant just like that. Good questions, though. I don't think you intended us to answer the questions, did you? But following Average Joe's lead I will anyway...

So far 3 sessions of cunnilingus this year - my wife has been ill this week otherwise might have been more.

1) Wet, juicy, sweet, beautiful, fascinating.

2) Yes of course like receiving

3) Love to give

4) Hold labia open with thumbs and then mainly use tongue: (a) up and down; (b) circular, slowly; (c) very, very lightly hardly touching; (d) side to side. With b and c usually keep on edge of orgasm for as long as possible. Usually aim for one orgasm for each method. So do (a) until she comes, move on to (b) until she comes and so on.

(5) Usually use my finger to give her some orgasms beforehand so she is nice and wet to begin with, also often little bites all over her body.

(6) I like to kiss her while her juices are still on my tongue (she doesn't object).

(7) She usually ejaculates little squirt of juice over my tongue. Also tensing of body and she's usually pretty vocal!

(8) Turned on.

(9) Hopefully wetness, white juices

(10) Depends how impatient she is to get on with penetration. Sometimes she'll let me give her 4 orgasms, sometimes only one or two, and frequently she's so impatient she won't let me do it at all!

(11) Not worried.

(12) No, definitely not

(13) Yes!

 
At 10:19 AM, Blogger cricket said...

i've always hated interviewing people for things...*this* i could enjoy though!! thanks theresa...seems like finding the right candidate would be a piece o' proverbial cake with the right questions! :D

 
At 10:20 AM, Blogger Opaco said...

my turn to answer...

1. List 5 adjectives for the Pussy?
soft, beautiful, amazing, inviting, warm

2. How do you feel about receiving oral sex?
not as important as giving

3. How do you feel about giving oral sex?
giving oral sex for me is a very wonderful experience. to be able to look back up your body and watch the ripples of pleasure wash over you and make your whole body move with passion. man, i just absolutely love it. sometimes more then sex itself.

4. Describe your technique(s)?
there is no technique. every woman is different. if you have a technique you'll become stale and i can't have that. i move with your movements. i listen to your breathing and to your moans. intensify when you do and trail off when you do. it is about satisfying you, therefore i must follow your lead.

5. What do you like to do before cunnilingus?
before, there are so many ways to get the love flowing and the mood enhanced. but mainly, touching. touching all over, as sometimes when the body is sooo turned on, soft kisses can tickle or tease and that would defeat the purpose as i am trying to get you to relax not tense up.

6. What do you like to do after cunnilingus?
after you have, well, finished, i usually take my time coming up to you. wrap you up and hold you tight, to allow all the feelings of what just happened to continue to flow through you. it is a time when you are most vulnerable so i don't want to go to fast with anything. besides, isn't it nice to be able to ride it out. get the shock waves if you will.

7. How can you tell if a woman is having an orgasm?
if she is faking and good at faking, you can't tell, i don't care what any man says. but when she is truly having an awesome orgasm, there is more than just the arch of the back or the tightening of the legs. there are shudders, there is a flushness that comes over her face, neck and breasts. as well as the swelling of the clit. i mean, it is amazing.

8. How do you feel after you’ve helped a woman reach orgasm through cunnilingus?
awesome. simply put, but true. i love that feeling. i love watching women climax.

9. Describe what you see when you look into a pussy?
i see heaven. literally. tounging or being inside of a pussy is heaven. for at that moment in time, we are perfect for one another. no one has any worries and no one has any fears. time stops and we are allowed moments to enjoy ourselves. the pussy is a beautiful thing. it holds a lot of power.

10. How long is too long to be performing cunnilingus?
too long would be when she tells you it is good, but it ain't going to happen tonight. that usually means there wasn't enough foreplay to allow her to relax. but too long, i don't know if there is an amount of time that i could give you.

11. What are your thoughts on shaving or trimming? (If you know me, you know this could be the deal-breaker)
trimmed or shaved. but not left alone for nature to take over. i don't like thick hair below. i can't breath when i am down there and besides, it is such a beautiful part of your body why cover it up? so trimmed or shaven, either is ok with me.

12. Do you ever use the words "Pussy" or "Cunt" in a derogatory manner?
pussy: yes. cunt: no.

13. Is this interview turning you on?
no not really. if this were an interview in person where i could watch you sit and squirm in your chair as i answer these questions then yes, it would. but this way, no not really.

hope my answers were good. let me know...

 
At 10:48 AM, Blogger Bryna said...

This is a good start on the questions... I think a good twist to this is to make them "Red Carpet" questions. Can't you just see it now? "Mr. Penn we have some questions for you.", or "Mr. Pitt... can you fill us in on something?" I think it would give us a whole new perspective on the elite of Hollywood. :)

 
At 11:30 AM, Blogger theresa said...

You know, I didn't intend for this post and it's responses to inspire sexual fantasies, but you all have made my day. Hell, you've made my weekend! So far, I think all the boys have happy ladies at home. Lucky, lucky girls! I like the Red Carpet idea too. Can I interview Hugh Jackman?

 
At 10:59 PM, Blogger Judi said...

read mention of your blog on several people's blog so had to come by, hope you don't mind. I love the quiz but the answers are even better...is it hot in here or is it just me?

 
At 2:00 AM, Blogger Jay said...

List 5 adjectives for the Pussy?Adjective eh? Kissable, lickable, tasty, slippery, delicious

How do you feel about receiving oral sex?Love it. Don't cum from it but love it.

How do you feel about giving oral sex?I feel like it's an act of love to give to my partner. Never a chore. I try to avoid washing my face for a while afterward so I can enjoy the lingering scent. I get incredibly turned on knowing she's turned on and writhing in pleasure. I often have a big wet spot of pre-cum from the sheer erotic pleasure of satisfying her with my mouth.

Describe your technique(s)?See the book "She Come First, a Thinking Man's Guide to Cunnilingus". I'm trying to follow his lead, improve my technique after a few years of stagnation. Generally though, lips, tongue, fingers- closer, closer, teasing, intensifying, teasing, focusing.

What do you like to do before cunnilingus?Kiss, caress, grind, grope.

What do you like to do after cunnilingus?Kiss her with my lips all sloppy with her taste. She takes me into her mouth, or she mounts me. Favorite though is after some recovery time she wants it again.

How can you tell if a woman is having an orgasm?Breathing, moaning, legs stiffening, vagina pulsing, then clit deflating, and finally she's incredibly ticklish when it's over.

How do you feel after you’ve helped a woman reach orgasm through cunnilingus?Like the king of the world.

Describe what you see when you look into a pussy?Tasty pink folds just asking to be worshipped.

How long is too long to be performing cunnilingus?When my tongue cramps, my fingers ache, and I pass out from exhaustion and not a moment less.

What are your thoughts on shaving or trimming? (If you know me, you know this could be the deal-breaker)I like a woman, not a child. Trimmed though is nice.

Do you ever use the words "Pussy" or "Cunt" in a derogatory manner?No. I never use "Cunt", I frequently use "Pussy" to refer to that wonderful part of a woman. I actually use pussy interchangably to describe the entire vulva region or specifically the vagina.

Is this interview turning you on?--Yes.

 

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