Tuesday, March 07, 2006

You're a Big Fat Liar

A while back, I was chatting with a friend. We were discussing the nature of relationships and debating the idea of long-term monogamy. He was completely against it, choosing serial monogamy or multiple open relationships instead. He said, "All relationships are doomed. Sooner or later one of the people will lie. After that he/she resents the other person for making them lie. The lie starts the process, but it’s the resentment about the lie that ultimately causes the death of the relationship."

Anyone who claims to be completely honest all the time is a big fat liar. Everyone has done it but often we’re afraid to admit it, especially to the people we feel closest to. If we admit to lying, we’re guilty of betrayal. If we keep it to ourselves, our secret dishonesty creates internal conflict, guilt and emotional distance.

We lie for a whole lot of reasons.
We don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings, so we lie to protect them.
We lie to make ourselves look better.
We lie to avoid the consequences of the truth.
We lie because sometimes it seems easier than being honest.
We lie to get what we want.
We lie simply to amuse ourselves.
And sometimes
we lie because we wish our lie were the truth.

The most destructive lies are the ones we tell ourselves. We tell ourselves these lies for the same reasons we’re dishonest with others. Unfortunately, we’re stuck with our lying selves forever. We’re stuck with the dissonance between who we are and who we want to be. The only way out is to find the strength and courage to face our own truth. Without that truth, we’re doomed to a worse fate ...... ignorance and loneliness.


At 1:03 AM, Blogger Larry Jones said...

This is an eternal struggle: To get our outward, visible selves aligned with who we really are. Any other condition is living a lie.
Not saying I have achieved it, but it's a goal worth working toward.

Glad you're back.

At 8:23 AM, Blogger Spin_Doc1 said...

Sometimes we lie for no reason; not to make ourselve look better and not because it is easier. Where is the meaning in that?

At 8:30 AM, Blogger AndyT13 said...

I always lie and that's truth.
Welcome back T.

At 9:02 AM, Blogger theresa said...

Larry - I'm not there yet either, but I have the same goal. Glad to be back.

Spin Doc - Hmmm, don't know. I think that should be your assignment. You figure that out and get back to us by next Tuesday.

Andy - It's a skill, my friend.

At 9:31 AM, Blogger ZooooM said...

This is a great post. In the beginning it's just interesting. By the end, I find myself examining me a lot closer than I'd like. It's uncomfortable, and undeniable - brilliant as always.

Glad you are back T.

At 10:03 AM, Blogger Ron Southern said...

Most people are foolish, including ourselves. What's so diffifult about that?

At 2:25 PM, Blogger Shephard said...

The struggle to be wholely myself without lies of acceptance, convenience and camouflage. I strive for this too. It's a continous journey, like peeling an infinite onion.
Great post.

At 2:38 PM, Blogger JayneSays said...

You know me, I want to know what triggered this . . . hope all is well and am glad you are back. (And that's no lie.)

At 4:06 PM, Blogger nosthegametoo said...

Lies are a cancer, and we've all been afflicted with this disease.

But "honesty" can also have its own selfish agenda, which is just as deceitful.

Some things are better left unsaid. But open-ness and truthful communication is generally the best policy.

Theresa, you have one amazing insightful mind.

Welcome Back!!!

At 8:31 PM, Blogger Aisha T. said...

Even though I think of myself as a pretty honest person--sometimes so brutally honest that people prefer me to lie--after reading this, I'm not as honest as I proclaim to be. Lying to myself....hmmmm...yup. Been there, done that still here sometimes and hopefully learned from it.

At 10:31 PM, Blogger Yoga Korunta said...

I ain't telling no Georges-it's my B-day! Stop over!

At 7:15 AM, Blogger clew said...

You're right on, T.

There are different degrees of lying ... now if only everyone were in agreement on where each lie hit on the scale.

At 11:12 AM, Blogger lauren said...

I think Spin Doc brings up an excellent point. I catch myself doing that sometimes - because it makes the story flow better? Because it just comes out? Maybe it goes back to lying because we wish it were true.

At 1:25 PM, Blogger Sumeeta said...

This is a wonderful post. I have always prided myself on being honest, but this post made me wonder how honest I really am.

At 2:08 PM, Blogger Bougie Black Boy said...

This is OH so true.
I have a philosophy that relationships are like contracts and someone ends up breaking it

At 2:34 PM, Blogger AndyT13 said...

Honesty is such a lonely word, everyone is so untrue
Honesty is hardly ever heard
But mostly what I need from you

Being completely honest with your lover can be hard, but the rewards far outweight the occasional drawback IMHO

At 5:36 PM, Blogger naive-no-more said...

Coming back with a bang eh? This was a great post both because it causes us to re-examine our fabricated lives and because you rock!

At 9:06 PM, Blogger theresa said...

Zoooom - Uncomfortable? Hmmm, you'll feel better after a nap.

Ron - We are a silly lot aren't we?

Shephard - I agree, it's an on-going process.

Jayne - Maybe I just needed to confess.

Nosthegametoo - And people say that the truth is a simple thing?

Aisha - See ... you're a big fat liar just like the rest of us!

Yoga - Happy birthday!

Clew - Good point.

Lauren - I actually differentiate between storytelling and lying. A story is almost always better with a little exageration and embellishment.

Sumeeta - Me too ... but then again ...

Stephen - Interesting.

Andy - I agree. It's really hard, but when you take the risk and win, it can be phenomenal.

Naive - I got one word for you ... *smooch*


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