Saturday, February 25, 2006

Just Thinking About it...

Recently, I was pondering the idea of thinking about dating … not actually "dating" mind you, just thinking about thinking about it. Taking the bold step and actually DOING it seems mightily rash don’tcha think? In my trampoline-like emotional state, I might injure some poor fellow. However, should I ever manage to get myself settled into a place where dating is a possibility, I feel a bit concerned about my options.

Work people = NO. If you met the options at my workplace, this would be a no-brainer. But, even if there were an attractive candidate, those sorts of things can get messy, especially in the rumor-mill of my workplace.
Friends of friends = NO. I’ve tried this before. People always think it’s a good idea, but in reality it’s a horrible idea. Your friends all get their hopes up, and if for some reason you don’t like the guy or he doesn’t like you, you have to spend the next 6 months talking about WHY. It’s a social nightmare. Also, when your friends pick someone for you who they think you’ll absolutely love, and who’s perfect for you but he turns out to have the IQ of a tangerine peel, a girl has to stop and wonder. Is this a reflection of what my friends think of me? Hmmmmm.
Internet = NO? I actually think this is an okay idea, but everyone I know totally FREAKS OUT about it. They’re certain that anyone I meet online is going to be the next Ted Bundy and they’ll find my mutilated corpse in a ditch somewhere. Thus, in order to use this method of meeting people, I have to ease the minds of my loved ones by having a tracking device embedded under my skin (like the one I have for my dog in case she runs away or gets kidnapped). I don’t even have a tattoo or multiple piercings. I’m not sure I’m ready for the Big Brother chip.
Bars & Clubs = NO. Only if I just want sex or a drunk … or sex with a drunk.
The gym = NO. I’m too sweaty and icky when I’m working out. I know there are guys who think sweaty, active women are attractive, but they aren’t talking about ME. Oh no! It’s not pretty. I don’t think I’d want to date anyone who thought so.
Grocery Store = NO. I’ve been grocery shopping for 20+ years, and in all that time I’ve been asked out by one guy in a grocery store (and that was someone I knew, and was semi-stalking). If I have to wait another 20 years and expend that much energy, it’s not worth it.
Other activities = ? That would require thought and ambition. I’ll have to work up to that sort of thing. Remember, I’m still in the pondering stage.

The other thing that keeps me from running for the high dive into the dating pool, are recollections of dating experiences of the past. People are goofy. Men are goofy. Sometimes goofiness is wonderfully endearing. Other times, it’s more than a little disturbing.

Dating Disaster Examples:
  1. Told me about the porn his boss sent him that day (1st date).
  2. Pointed out a girl in the restaurant who he used to date AND proceeded to tell me how crazy she acted when he dumped her (another 1st date).
  3. Asked me point blank how many times we would have to go out before sex (2nd date).
  4. Repeatedly said, "You don’t like me very much do you?" By the end of the night, he was right.
  5. Took me to a strip club (1st date. I was 18 years old. Our Mom’s were church friends).
  6. Got completely shit-faced. I told him he could sleep on the couch. When I came out of the bathroom, he was naked and passed out spread eagle in the middle of my living room floor.
  7. Told me the same jokes that I had told him the week before on the phone.
  8. Stand-up comedian ... he wasn’t funny ... not even a little bit (blind date).
  9. Wouldn’t shut up about what a bitch his ex-wife was.
  10. Thought he smelled something funny. Decided it might be on his hands. Tried to force me smell his finger. Honest to god, he was persistent. "No … seriously Theresa, smell my finger." over and over and over again.
  11. Forgot his wallet … (he’ll pay me pack later) mmm hmmm … still waiting.
  12. Told me how great his ex-wife’s tits were.
  13. Surprise introduced me to his mother on our 2nd date … and told her that I was the girl he was going to marry.

This weekend, I'm going bowling with my friends. I'm coming home early, eating leftover Chinese food in front of the TV and cuddling with my big fuzzy dogs. At least if something smells funny, I'll know it's just a dog fart.


At 12:17 PM, Blogger Dick the Boomer said...

LOL - dog farts...

What about those dating services? I don't know.. just an idea.

At least with dogs, if you find one naked spread eagle on the livingroom floor you don't have to worry about it.

At 12:22 PM, Blogger Aisha T. said...

Wow, you just reminded me why I never liked dating very much. I remember one girl telling me, "Why don't you go out with him and get the free dinner." "Because I have to talk to him and I don't live in a third world country where I'm starving to death that a free dinner would be worth it. I have my pride."

FYI: Best place to meet guys is in a gay bar/gay function. No kidding! I've met quite a few nice straight guys in gay bars. Hey, they go out with their gay friends, openminded, will beline for one of the few straight girls in the bars, no games, and usually pretty goodlooking. I actually met mine in Fire Island in the Pines. He works there as a carpenter.

At 1:26 PM, Blogger Blazngfyre said...


Not at you my sweet, but at the stories.

Reminds me of the good old days when I too decided to venture back into the shark (and asshole) infested dating waters.

*1st date - guy starts to crawl under the table in the restaurant to suck my toes.
I left .... quick!

I actually met The Common Law via the internet.
We played online Euchre and started chatting. We chatted for months before I even knew he lived in the same city!

Just be careful love ...

.... or date me! :D ;)

At 5:06 PM, Blogger Spin_Doc1 said...

I play coed hockey and football and I meet a ton of men there.

At 9:55 PM, Blogger theresa said...

Dick - A dating service? I'll just send them my blogger profile and see what they come up with.

Aisha - As a matter of fact, my first date with my last partner was at NYC Gay Pride Parade.

Blaze - When and where Hot Chik!?!?! .... can I suck on your toes?

Spin Doc - I don't know how to play those games, but maybe if I look cute enough in the uniform I can fake it? I made it through an entire softball season that way.

At 10:36 PM, Blogger gnightgirl said...

Oh, boy, this one hit close to home. I've been taking my sweet time getting back into the dating game after my (2nd) divorce 18 months ago. I keep playing back some of my list, that could be yours: a guy that wanted me to cut his toenails because, he insisted, if you cared for someone, you do things you don't want to (date 3), another that informed me that the only reason he rented a place was because his ex wouldn't let the kids visit him every other weekend in his van (a blind date, that).

I've been happy to squirrel up with a group of tight friends, but I suppose I should get out there again.

Idea: I'll just take applications, and you Theresa, can read, approve, or terminate the entries.

At 11:02 PM, Anonymous Larry Jones said...

I think gnightgirl is on to something: Create a Dating Application Form. Put the questions on it that you need answered, and your (datable) readers can fill it out as they apply for the privilege of going out with the Love Goddess.

Wait a minute - was I supposed to warn you against doing things like this?

At 12:46 AM, Blogger R. U. Serious said...

Sure, no Internet guys, as you flirt with me.

I see how you are.

Just date one of these guys

At 1:19 AM, Blogger theresa said...

Gnightgirl - Toenails? Ewwww ... That's for private-alone time. Was he raised by wolves? How do you put that on an application?
"What's your philosphy on foot care and maintenance? Solo or group activity?"

Larry - Good idea! Now I just need to get a few readers who live in Iowa.

R.U.Serious - First off, your Scary Personals site is one of the reasons my friends don't want me to date internet guys. Second, I might make an exception for you. Do I seem like the kind of girl who lets other people tell her what to do? Now, take off your pants!

At 1:24 AM, Blogger R. U. Serious said...

Like you could do worse than those stories?

Hell, at least the guys I post make their creepiness clear from the outset. That way it's no surprise when he tells you he wants you to dress like a nun and call him Mr. Brady.

At 1:46 AM, Blogger theresa said...

R.U. - You're right. I don't think I could do worse than those guys, and you do a damn fine job of enhancing their alarming qualities. You're clearly an expert on these matters. Maybe you should help me write the Dating Application.

At 1:58 AM, Blogger R. U. Serious said...

Well, first, ask them if they have ever been featured on Scary Personals...

At 9:28 AM, Blogger naive-no-more said...

You reminded me about the first time I was thouroughly freaked out about dating.

I didn't really like the guy all that much to begin with, but he was very persistent. He bought me an expensive jacket, toys for my kid brothers and then started following me around. At first he'd say things like, "who was that you rode home from practice with?" or, "you didn't wear the jacket I bought you today".

Then I saw his car parked behind some bushes and he sitting in it with binoculars during one of my softball practices.

I was so freaked by then that I swore off dating altogether. Thank goodness I changed my mind - the sex is too good. :)

When you are ready, you'll find the perfect somebody to date.

At 12:21 AM, Blogger nosthegametoo said...

You have quite a list of All-Stars.

I used to wonder why women (or men) do all these nutty and bold things. I've come to the conclusion that boldness is a highly attractive quality; I also distinguish this from confidence. Confident people don't need to be asses.

Of all the horrid dating scenarios you presented, I've met a girl or guy who has used one of those techniques sucessfully. Well, sucessful in terms of convincing someone to spend days, weeks, months or a few years with them.

Hmmm... perhaps I'm not bold enough. I think I need to change up the way I do things.

At 6:23 PM, Blogger Popeye said...

I suck at dating. I'm really, really bad at it. My problem is that I keep meeting people who think I'm marriageable and I'm not interested in marriage.

At 7:00 PM, Blogger R. U. Serious said...

OK, I'll date you. When are you moving to Texas?

At 9:34 PM, Blogger ZooooM said...

Ooooo. I can still remember being in this kind of place. All I can say is that more often than not, the dateables will show up where you aren't looking for them. I know, so cliche. But true, unfortunately.

In the meantime though, I don't see a problem with internet dating as long as you are careful. It does suck that these days something that should be fun - even if it only provides a funny horror story later (no bodily injuries) has to be so overthought just so that you remain safe from crazies.

But, you pretty much have to be careful whether you date from the net or the bar or the street or the grocery store (as you listed as no's, but you never know...he he, see what I did there?)

Mr. Zoom and I know soooo many single, wonderful people. And we don't know why they are still single. But we aren't about to try and set them up. It's just a bad idea, as you said.

Here's hoping that when you are ready, you find fun and safety.

At 9:36 PM, Blogger Brea said...

I know exactly how you feel. I've finally started dating again after a year. It kinda sucks but you can't get to the right one without wading through all the muck first - no?

At 10:03 PM, Blogger Shephard said...

Bookstores... bookstores are the new dating resource. Find a nice large Barnes & Noble or Borders.
So I'm told.
Would make an interesting blog post... photos taken on a SAT night at a B&N.
~S :)

At 1:40 PM, Blogger Polyman2 said...

I'm frightened for you. Be careful, it's a jungle out there.



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