Monday, July 10, 2006

Heartbreak on the High Seas

Back in the day, long before I discovered my calling as The Love Goddess, I found myself working as a lowly tavern wench in a spirited establishment down near the docks. The Hairy Lemon was a colorful place where I met all sorts of folk, but none stood out quite as brightly as my dear, Leslie. Of course, being a dread pirate, Leslie preferred to be called, Spike. It was only later, in our private moments that I was allowed to drop public formalities and call him by his given name.

The first night we met, Leslie offered me the world. He told me of his love of the sea; he introduced me to his ship and his parrot, Milo; and he showed me his extra special private collection of gold doubloons. However, more than anything else, I think it was Leslie’s unique style that caught my eye. The man could wear a pair of pantaloons like nobody’s business.

The very next day, I impulsively followed my heart and set sail with Leslie, Milo and the rest of the crew. My old life as a wench was over, and I was off with my new Love to find our fortunes as dread pirates.


I was surprised by how easily I took to the sea. Perhaps, I was blinded by passion. The thievery, burning, pillaging and senseless destruction by Leslie and the rest of the crew didn’t bother me a bit. After a while, I even got wrapped up in it myself. When I saw all the booty, I found myself getting just as excited as everyone else. It was almost as if I belonged there; as if I was destined to be with Leslie on the high seas.

Life as a dread pirate seemed perfect except for one thing. My dear, Leslie had a dark affliction. He was obsessed with finding and owning a most peculiar object; something so rare and mysterious that many pirates suspected it was a myth. Even though the thing was said to be hideous, Leslie was hell-bent on finding it. He wanted the infamous, Blue Monkey statue.

It wasn’t as if Leslie needed the money. His greed and daring had earned him all the gold and riches he would ever need. The real reason he wanted the blue ape was because no one else had been able to find it. He wanted to do something that no other pirate could do. He wanted to make a name for himself. He wanted to be, like the blue monkey itself, bigger than life.

Leslie’s obsession took over the entire life of the ship. There were times that nothing else seemed to matter to him. Neither Milo nor I could distract him or ease his angst. No amount of gold, gems, cash, or DVD players could quell his lust for the monkey. Even capturing and torturing innocent victims didn’t amuse him for long. Once Leslie was in a monkey-mood, we all suffered from his blue streak.

After a while, I began to forget why I fell in love with Leslie. It seemed that all the passion he had for the sea, his ship, pirating and me, had been swallowed up by his crazed fascination with the mythical azure idol. The sad realization that our romance was over came to me the day Leslie walked past me wearing a particularly sassy pair of pantaloons and I didn’t feel my familiar little tingle. That was the moment I knew it was time to find land again.


The last I saw of Leslie was when he left me in a fit of rage on the island of Moroni. He said the only reason he wasn’t making me walk the plank was because I polished his doubloons better than any other wench he’d ever known. I suppose I should have been grateful, but I still resent him for the 6 months I lived on breadfruit and berries. Between you and me, I hope the scurvy bastard never finds his stupid monkey.

19 Comments:

At 10:42 PM, Blogger Popeye said...

Sometimes, a guys just got to have his blue monkey. . . Don't worry, some day soon he'll wish his da-blooms (that's how we say it in Chicago) were shiny and wish he had you back. . .

 
At 1:09 AM, Blogger theresa said...

Popeye, sounds like you think I should be more patient and understanding. Eh, just goes to show ya, you sailor types all stick together!

 
At 6:00 AM, Blogger Popeye said...

Aye.

 
At 7:56 AM, Blogger Dick the Boomer said...

Ah yes... when you no longer feel a tingle at the sight of a sassy pair of pantaloons you know it's over.

Do you suppose the reason Leslie was so obsessed was because he just wanted to spank the monkey?

 
At 8:11 AM, Blogger theresa said...

Dick, if he was into kinky monkey-sex, good riddance!

 
At 8:12 AM, Blogger Steve said...

The only thing 'bigger than life' is the whimsy of love.

 
At 8:56 AM, Blogger Polyman2 said...

Been carrying around my own monkey on my back for years.

 
At 11:50 AM, Blogger Ron Southern said...

Alas, whatever happened to all the old doubloons? Coin collectors? He can have his dumb monkey, I want the money.

 
At 12:31 PM, Blogger naive-no-more said...

Arg, me thinks you have a winner matey!

Look for mine in a day or two.

 
At 1:23 PM, Blogger Spin_Doc1 said...

I love it!

 
At 4:47 PM, Blogger Dick the Boomer said...

I love it! Especially some of the names like "The Hairy Lemon", and of course a pirate with the name Leslie who preferred to be called Spike.

One of my favorite lines is, "No amount of gold, gems, cash, or DVD players could quell his lust for the monkey."

Good work, T!

 
At 8:36 PM, Blogger theresa said...

Steve - Love is bigger than everything.

Poly - What color is it?

Ron - With such a greedy perspective, maybe you should consider a career in pirating.

Michelle - I look forward to seeing what the big blue monkey inspires in you.

Spin - Thanks, Hot Chik!

Dick - You're the best! I loved your story too.

 
At 12:12 AM, Blogger ZooooM said...

The Hairy Lemon.

Such perfection in one blog.

 
At 8:45 AM, Blogger theresa said...

Speaking of perfection, I can't believe no one has noticed how perfect my tits look in that pirate shirt. I'm a little hurt, people.

Oh, and thanks Zoooomy. I actually stole that one. It's a real bar in the Temple district in Dublin. I was there several years ago. They pour a good pint!

 
At 9:10 AM, Blogger Steve said...

Oh, Lordy! ;)

How could I have missed that! hahaha!

 
At 9:14 AM, Blogger AndyT13 said...

It's killing me that I can't enlarge that picture. Did you photoshop it yourself or...what's the story there? Good tale of the blue monkey. It's nice to see someone taking it somewhere light. I think you missed an opportunity to work in the little girl though. :-) Happy sheherazade!

 
At 10:13 AM, Blogger Unacknowledged Genius said...

Blimey lass, but those are some perfect tits, such a tastey morsel as ever sailed the seven seas...argh!

 
At 10:20 AM, Blogger theresa said...

Steve – Indeed Man! How could you?

Andy – I sent you the full-size.

U-Genius – A woman who knows how to properly express appreciation for the finer things in life. Thanks, Love.

 
At 3:46 AM, Blogger Laurie said...

LOL.. that was great! Monkey-mood?? Too funny.. and you look hot in that wenchy outfit, and like Andy, was frustrated that I couldn't enlarge it!

 

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