Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Hot Chik Rules of the Road

In the last 10 days I drove 3,647miles. My muffler pipe fell off after the first 100 miles and I didn’t have time to fix it. I’m now hearing impaired and my ass is still numb … I think I need an ass massage. Volunteers??? (It’s been called "nice", "fine", "succulent" and a few other positive adjectives).

After a number of miles on the road during a high traffic time of year, I’ve come to the conclusion that some people need to go back to driving school. There aren’t very many places a person needs to get to that justify risking your life and those of others to get there quickly. Overall, my experience would have been happier if ALL the other drivers would have known how to drive properly.

  1. Don’t try to drive up my ass. I know it’s fine (see above), but I don’t want your Buick parked in it!
  2. On a 6-lane highway, slow traffic goes on the right, fast traffic goes in the middle, and passing traffic goes on the left. Don’t pass people on the right.
  3. Once you’ve passed someone, get back in the middle or right hand lane. It might feel like your road because you pay a lot of taxes, but guess what? I really think it’s MY ROAD, and I’m being generous enough to share it.
  4. Wear your seatbelt, ya Dipshit. Anyone who doesn’t … hmmm, I’m not even gonna bother with the stats. You’re just a Dipshit!
  5. Be careful around motorcycles. Those little guys don’t have a hell of a lot to protect them if your big ‘ol SUV slams into them. So far the trial airbag systems just shoot the drivers off the back and don’t really help a lot.
  6. Don’t throw cigarette butts out your window after you’ve just passed a motorcycle.
  7. Respect truck drivers ! ! ! These people are doing their job. When you do dumb shit, you not only risk their lives; you fuck with their livelihood. Stay back far enough so you can see their mirrors … then they can see you. Don’t pull in front of them and slow down. It takes them a lot longer to slow down than a regular ‘ol car. In general, if it looks like they need some space, get outta their way.
  8. When someone is merging, move over … ya know, like when you’re merging and you need space. Merging can be fun, but only with willing partners.
  9. Inclined to get a bit of Road Rage? Here’s an idea: entice the other party to pull into a Highway Patrol Station. Once there, get out of your car and get into a screaming match until you get an officer’s attention. Then taunt the other person until they lose control and hit you. Then get back in your car with the satisfaction that they will be spending some time dealing with an assault charge.
  10. THINK about the fact that you’re in control of a really heavy object that’s moving at a very high speed … I’ll wait while you ponder that thought. Be careful.

Lastly, if you see a curly-headed Hot Chik in a little kelly green Honda with Iowa tags rolling down the highway, wave to me. Or better yet, we can pull-over and have lunch!


At 12:33 PM, Blogger Rednaked said...

Need a butt rub?


At 3:29 PM, Blogger Larry Jones said...

Good rules. I especially like the Road Rage at the Highway Patrol office rule.
BTW, be careful: you never know where those bottom massages are going to end up.

At 8:57 PM, Blogger Blazngfyre said...

Butt rub eh? I like rubbing succulent asses .... ;)

Which do you prefer, lotion or oil????

At 10:45 PM, Blogger Clark K. said...

You forgot "don't talk on your cell phone while driving." Some dipshit with a cell phone past me on the right side tonight...only I was in the right-most lane. He passed me on the shoulder to get to an exit - the same exit I was trying to go on...

I have pretty good massage skills too...

At 1:08 AM, Blogger theresa said...

Red - My butt is in your capable hands!

Larry - That idea is directly from my new book, "Theresa's Guide to Diabolical Manipulation" or "How to Make a Human Puppet"

For the life of me, I can't think of a single down side to a bottom massage.

Blaze - For some reason a heavenly scented oil sounds like the perfect combination with you.

Clark - I agree with the cell phone thought, especially since they all have hands-free capability now. I have a cheap one and it has voice recogition dialing. If you were in my phonebook, I could say "Superman" and it would ring you up ... Look Ma, no hands!

Massage skills too! I'm beginning to think you're the perfect man ... damn that 10-year rule of mine!

At 8:59 AM, Anonymous Brian said...

There's only one kind of person I pass on the right - the kind that drives too slow in the left lane and is too ignorant to move over into the slower lanes. Grrrrrrrr . . .

At 11:01 AM, Blogger Jay said...

Sorry about your butt and ears. All told though I think 3,647 miles solo would have been easier that the 800 miles we just did with two little tykes in the backseat and a trailer behind the car.


At 2:24 PM, Blogger Michael G said...

A driving class that includes a butt massage. 'I am ready to be schooled'

You hit all of my pet peeves. BLinkers being the biggest...

At 12:28 AM, Blogger Clark K. said...

awww theresa...you're making me blush...rules are made to be broken ya know..

At 8:51 AM, Blogger Aaron the Truck Driver said...


At 9:28 AM, Blogger Opaco said...

it is absolutely amazing how bad some of the drivers really are. it is like everyone needs to get in an accident at 18 years old. that way they will know something CAN happen to you, as the road will not part for you.

At 5:58 PM, Blogger Maverick said...

But, they've never even BEEN to driving school! Idiots. Argh, I hate people who pass on the fucking right! All great rules of the road. You obviously know how to drive. Thank God there is at least one other person out there who does!

Spitting in a Wishing Well


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