Tuesday, August 16, 2005

What Women Don't Want

Here it is my friends. I’m going to share the secrets about what women REALLY want … or rather, what we DON’T want. This may astound and shock you. Some people may even suggest that sharing these secrets is a betrayal of my sisters … or perhaps I’ve finally gone completely bonkers. I don’t care. I’ve talked it over with my vagina, and we’ve decided that this is for the good of all humanity.

I don’t speak for ALL women. In fact, some may think this list is a whole bunch of hooey. However, I do pay pretty close attention to my girls, and this is what they’ve been saying.

  1. The size of your cock. Really! I’m not kidding. We might make jokes about it, but when it comes down to it, we don’t want something the size of my forearm trying to bully it’s way into our Sweet Tunnel of Love. Big ones hurt, and they’re completely unnecessary. Our vaginas are only 4 to 6 inches deep, and our mouths are about the same. Don’t believe me? Go ahead! Try sticking something 6 inches long all the way down your throat. At best, most people can only get about 4.5 inches in without losing the ability to breathe. So, unless she has a vagina the size of a mayonnaise jar and a cavernous pie-hole in the middle of her face, your awesome big dick is going to be left out in the cold.
  2. Your money, your car, your clothes or your bling. Sure, we want you to be clean, tidy and somewhat organized. We also want you to have enough cash so you’re not mooching off us all the time. And, most gals would agree that it would be cool if we didn’t have to take the bus when we went on dates. However, the jag isn’t going to win our hearts, and a conversation about all your money and toys will get boring pretty damn fast.
  3. Player/Bad boys. Okay, admittedly there are women who are messed up enough to want the really evil fuck-heads, but I’m not talking about those gals. Most of us want a nice, decent guy. However, he also needs to be confident and independent. One of the biggest turn-offs is a man who’s looking for a mommy. We also don’t want someone who’s trying too hard to please us. We can tell when you’re being insincere. When you try too hard, it looks like you’re either pathetic and desperate, or you’ll do or say anything to get what you want. Either way it’s bad news. This is a situation where you don’t want to seem the least bit manipulative.
  4. A super-hot-movie-star-looking guy. Looks don’t matter that much to most women. Besides, everyone knows that all the super-hot-movie-star-looking guys are gay. We’re more interested in how you make us feel. Your attitude and personality are going to take you much further than your Rock Hudson good-looks.
  5. How friggin’ smart you are. If I had a nickel for every guy who told me he had a genius IQ, I’d be the one driving a Jag. Either I'm a beacon of MENSA, or somebody’s exaggerating a little bit. IQ is based on a Bell Curve. That means most of us fall in the big bump in the middle rather than the skinny bits on the ends. Stop spending all your time trying to impress us. Shut up and listen. We like it when you listen.
  6. How great you are at cunnilingus and other sex acts. Are you shocked that I would say this? It’s true. We don’t want to hear about it. We’re more likely to be attracted to you if you’re interesting. You’ll be interesting if you’re interested in us. Don’t worry. If you don’t screw it up, you’ll get your chance. Once we feel attracted to you, you can SHOW us all your amazing skills.

    Clearly, this is not an exhaustive list. However, I’m pretty sure I nailed the biggies. I’d love to offer more, but I had my mammogram this morning and my boobies hurt. Despite the pain inflicted by the plexi-glass "Vice of Death", it was an interesting experience. Who knew that when my average sized breasts are flattened to a thickness of 2 centimeters, they look remarkably huge?


At 4:27 AM, Anonymous ed said...

So if:
1) I haven't got a massive cock
2) I'm not loaded with money
3) I'm not a macho bad guy
4) I haven't got movie star looks
5) I'm not super smart
6) I'm not an expert in cunnilingus
then I'll be OK.
That's a relief then.
Because I think I qualify for all of those.
Except maybe No 6.
But then nobody's perfect. :)

Hope your boobies feel better soon.

At 6:19 AM, Blogger Al said...

You've got me laughing again thanks

Back when I was in High School and College, I had really long hair, played guitar and worked in radio. I was able to date girls that were way out of my league because they thought I was a bad man (Cue Theme from Shaft). Those relationships didn't go on for more than a few dates because after I was polite to their parents - I was no longer "the bad one"
As for #6 - just remember practice makes perfect lol
Thanks babydoll - enjoy your humor!

At 9:52 AM, Blogger Larry Jones said...

Thank you for another valuable public service. It's good to know what you want and don't want, because who is not trying to impress The Love Goddess? But I think there are plenty of women who do like that stuff, and plenty of men who offer it successfully, and I see these couples all around me. Of course, maybe that's just Los Angeles.

Also, could you please not use the expression "...I nailed the biggies" in the same paragraph with talk of your boobies? Ouch!

At 10:28 AM, Blogger littlefeet said...

this list is just too cool... :)


At 10:40 AM, Blogger Erin said...

This is a great list, and I agree with aspects of every item. BUT I must confess to a penchant for geniuses. Brains are the single biggest turn-on there is. Still, I don't like to be reminded of your genius ad nauseum. It's always better not to mention it, with the trust that intelligence will be observed, noted, and valued without a frenzy of trumpet blasts. And -- it's taken me a couple years to get here -- but arrogance is not sexy. NOT. SEXY.

At 11:01 AM, Blogger theresa said...

Ed - Too funny! Hey, you've already got the girl, and a beauty at that! You both have plenty admirers.

Al - You sound more like the kind of boy I would have been interested in back in H.S. I had a secret crush on one of my best friends, an Eagle Scout with a bit of a naughty streak. We could get away with almost anything because nobody expected us "good kids" to do anything wrong.

Larry - You won my heart long ago.
LA is another planet. Don't get hung up on #2.

Monkey - Hot Chiks like you totally get it!

Erin - That was really the point I was trying to make. I don't want a guy who has to tell me he's smart. I can figure that out all by myself. And you're right, arrogance is a turn-off. It's just another way of using false superiority to cover up for insecurity.

At 12:14 PM, Blogger Jay said...


It's a mighty hard bullseye to hit. It would be much easier to just buy the Rolex and Jag, then show you polaroids and written testimonials.

At 2:53 PM, Blogger Lars said...

I really can't remember how I got here, we look at someone's blog that we have in common...but here I am!

Very funny, I think that most of that is true, and I'm a man.

Speaking on #1 though...doesn't hurt to be well endowed though :-D

At 3:26 PM, Blogger Mr 5.25 said...

Gee, I guess I'm in big trouble seeing as how I'm a George Hamilton look alike who has lots of money, is a Mensa candidate, and is an expert cunnilinguist.

Though there might be hope since I definitely do not have a massive cock.

At 4:21 PM, Blogger figleaf said...

I think one of the hardest things about real adult sex is that we spend so much time forgetting that we're grown up.

I too like your list very, very much, Theresa. I'd hesitate to call it universal since I don't think it covers the wants (if not needs) of the very young or those of the very old (who, based on my mom's experiences in retirement) are often still going strong in their own ways. But if it's not a universal list it's still very much the most general.

A corresponding list for what men don't want would be equally enlightening. I don't know if I'm the one to write the initial draft but I'd love to review and contribute to it.

Taking a bounce off of Ed's summary though:

1) You don't need abs or thighs of steel
2) You should be able to pull your own weight financially
3) You don't have to be a "virgin" or a "whore"
4) Self confidence and comfort in your own skin is more important than architected/constructed look
5) You don't have to defer, nor do you need to ignore or humor
6) You have to be an expert at fellatio. (Gotcha. No you don't.)

And the list is longer, and those aren't the most important parts. But it's a start.


At 4:43 PM, Blogger Opaco said...

damn it. i just spent all that money on new clothes, a new car, a new head of hair and a new cock.

and you don't care about any of it?

what the heck?

kidding of course.

At 5:49 PM, Blogger crazytigerrabbitman said...

Now you friggin' tell me! To think I could have avoided all those painful nights dangling from the ceiling by my penis. I suppose I could always use my newly stretched out member as a belt or something. Any tips on how to accessorize with that?

At 6:01 PM, Blogger gnightgirl said...


Standing ovation in Champaign, IL!!

At 8:03 PM, Blogger Blazngfyre said...

Preach it my Hot Chik-T!

"the plexi-glass "Vice of Death" "
LOL!!! I'll have to use that next time I go for my Mammy-gram!

At 9:04 PM, Blogger theresa said...

Jay - Times are tough, Darlin'. One thing's for certain, You can't please everyone all the time ... and you shouldn't have to try so hard.

Lars - You're one of us Iowa Bloggers. You must know my Poop-Flinger, or Matt from the Oasis. Thanks for visiting ... and if you are well-endowed, be careful with that thing.

Mr 5.25 - That's right, you're nearly hopeless :-) Babe, you've got nothin' to worry about.

Figleaf - You're right about age differences. There are probably cultural differences as well. This was clearly written from the perspective of my 25 to 45 peer group.
I'd definitely be interested in hearing more about what you think men don't want. Your initial list is a good start.

Opaco - You're completely adorable just as you are. Don't change a thing!

Crazytigerrabbitman - I'm having sympathy pains and I don't even have a penis ... nor do I want one of my own. Cripes! Treat it nicely. Maybe you should find someone to help you treat it nicely.

gnightgirl - Thank you and welcome.

Blaze - You's my Girl!

At 11:02 PM, Blogger ZooooM said...

Holy crap. You are totally my hero. And damn funny too.

At 8:52 AM, Blogger Lars said...

Oh, ok! I didn't know you were from Iowa. Whereabouts? I'm from Story City. Probably don't know where that is...it's 10 miles north of Ames, 50 miles north of Des Moines.

At 11:13 AM, Blogger Julie said...

Nice Theresa!
It all seems so simple when you put it on the page, doesn't it? We spend so much time trying to impress one another...
As for the size of a penis...all of my gal friends agree that the largest we've had was not the best (but the guys always reminded us of how lucky we were to be experiencing it!)

At 12:11 PM, Blogger Opaco said...

theresa, thank you. i knew somebody "got" me. LOL

At 10:37 AM, Blogger Ilaiy said...

That is amazing .. Nice post ..

Meeting the right person you would not have to think about anything material* ..


At 2:32 AM, Blogger Kyle Stich said...

I'm sure many distraught men would find comfort in your words, but probably wouldn't believe you.

People in general are superficial and do look for these things or some variation on them.

People in specific don't care about the things you listed, but do care about other things, like if they do or do not open doors.

Of course, I'm just being the Devil's Advocate (or District Attorney, have you ever noticed the connection between these two terms when termed "D.A."?) Moreover, I think this list says how fabulously unshallow you, Theresa, are.


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