Sunday, June 12, 2005

Paybacks

My pussy is pissed. She hasn’t spoken to me since early this morning. While I admit that she has every right to be mad, it was an honest mistake.

Last night the boys went out to play poker at a friend’s house. I had a blessed 4 hours at home all by myself. It was FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC!!! I took advantage of my precious private time by treating myself to some special personal attention. I know what you might be thinking … and of course you’re right. I am the Love Goddess for the love of Pete. However, aside from making love to myself, I also had time to attend to other oft neglected pampering. I washed and sorted all my pretty delicates, painted my tootsies, buffed my feet, filed my fingernails, rubbed scented oil into every inch of my skin, and tidied up unwanted body hair, including trimming Ms. Lovely. This is where things went terribly awry.

I borrowed Monkey Man’s beard trimmer for the task. Shhh, don’t tell. He hates when I do that, but I figure that his face has been down there, so what’s the big deal? Anyhow, I forgot to check the guard setting before I began the trimming process.
BIG MISTAKE!
It was set to the very closest setting … like 5-O’Clock shadow close.

Once I realized what I’d done, it was too late to turn back. I had to finish the job … or go around with one big strip down the middle like some lead singer from an 80’s Punk band. After I was finished, Ms. Lovely and I checked ourselves out in the mirror.

Ms L: Bitch! I’m practically bald. You can see everything!
Me: Oh relax. It’s not so bad.
Ms L: Fuck you! I look like a puffy pink bald baby butt.
Me: No you don’t. Just think, now we can see all your beauty beneath the hair. Some people like that sort of thing.
Ms. L: Are you nuts? Do you actually expect me to go out looking like this?
Me: Okay … but, do you have to be such a drama queen about it? Come on, before you know it, it’ll all grow back.
Ms. L: Easy for you to say. You don’t look like you just enlisted in the fucking Marine Corps!
Me: Aw come-on, it could be worse. I could have given you a mullet!
Ms. L: Paybacks, Baby! Just you wait …

So I spent today at an amusement park with Monkey Man because his job gave us free tickets. It was horribly hot and humid the entire day. Guess who has a miserable itchy burning heat rash? Yeah, Ms. Lovely didn’t waste any time on her little payback scheme. All that nice fluffy hair that used to provide air circulation is gone. Now it’s just me, hair not much longer than stubble, and a bunch of red irritating bumps.

10 Comments:

At 10:41 PM, Blogger Ron Southern said...

Well, you've already made your mistake (if that's what it was!), so forget it, go out and find somebody who wants to share this minor perversion with you in a major way. I guess I'll be thinking for days and days now of the rude denuded bush you alluded to...sigh.

 
At 10:59 PM, Blogger theresa said...

Ron, I can always count on your support, as well as your active imagination!

 
At 11:34 PM, Blogger Kay said...

TendSkin. Highly recommended.

BTW, have fun tomorrow night! ;-) Wish it were me ...

 
At 5:31 AM, Blogger Blazngfyre said...

You could have left the "Landing Strip" ..... some men dig that sort of thing. As far as the bumps and itching, rub a small amount of baby oil over said baldness and it will help relieve the itchies.

Oh yeah, if you think your itchy now, wait till the hair starts to grow back. The itch factor will go off the charts!

 
At 7:37 AM, Blogger Tiger said...

...ummm, yeah. I thought it'd be fun to try that particular *look* once. Yikes! The rash & itch as the hair grew back was SO not worth it. :) Nicely trimmed is just right. ;)

(I use the man's beard trimmer too and he always hollers--I WISH you would warn me when you've DONE THAT!! & I'm like... oh, don't be such a whiny boy. gawd! ;0)

 
At 11:10 AM, Blogger Kyle Stich said...

If you go that short, use an antibiotic cream after, something like Neosporin. If the cream has a painkiller, all the better. The toughest part about going bald are the ingrown hairs. The antibiotic will stop this even more uncomfortable situation from occurring. My Other's lovely goes through a tube a month, because she likes showing "all the beauty beneath the hair."

 
At 12:26 PM, Blogger Michael G said...

I agree, the landing strip might have been your best bet. At least have fun and shave an arrow pointing down.

When I was in th Army and we went to honduaras. An soilder (who was very hairy) showed up naked fof hair. He said he and his GF got a little frisky and shaved each other. It was 104 for weeks while we were there. Well needless to say you can imagine how itchy he was from head to toe and all parts in the middle for a while.

He could roll in the dirt to stop the itch, how did you keep from itching???

 
At 1:47 PM, Blogger Rednaked said...

Funny, I'm growing hair there for the first time in two years. It's taking some getting used to.

I will say it you keep it shaved everyday, the itch goes away very quickly.

 
At 8:58 AM, Blogger Mr 5.25 said...

i love a bare bush. it is so much nicer to lick. you may be interested to know i keep mine completely shaved as well.

 
At 3:35 PM, Blogger W. S. Cross said...

I believe they call it a "Brazilian."

In any case, I'm sure that you'll be ready once the next roll in the hay comes....

 

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