Thursday, October 06, 2005

For the Boys

Even though we’re still in the midst of celebrating 2005, Year of Cunnilingus, I thought I'd offer some tips about another form of oral pleasure. For a little variety, I have a few thoughts on felatio.

A good blowjob is a thing of beauty. Obviously, receiving this amorous gift of affection is a good thing, but giving can also be a tremendous turn-on. However, saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, can be a total mood-buster. These are things a guy should never say to a woman when she’s going down on him:

  1. Could you pass me my beer?
  2. When I call you "Hoover", I mean it in a good way.
  3. When was the last time you had your roots done?
  4. My last girlfriend could deep-throat.
  5. I’ll give you 20 bucks for 5 more minutes.
  6. Do you mind if I change the channel?
  7. You look a little like your mom from this angle.
  8. That’s new. Where did you learn how to do that?
  9. What do you think of the Sox this season?
  10. I wonder what it would be like if you didn’t have any teeth.
  11. You kinda suck.

Remember, if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. Or better yet, just relax and make a yummy sound.


At 9:44 PM, Blogger Popeye said...

Even worse, "You kinda look like my Mom from this angle."

At 9:48 PM, Blogger ZooooM said...

And not entirely fitting with the post, but one should NEVER administer this amorous gift with chewing gum in her mouth. At least that's what a really great friend of mine told me once.

At 6:43 AM, Blogger Blazngfyre said...

"You're doing it wrong!"

VERY bad!

TELL me what you like, but don't criticize what I'm doing!

At 7:08 AM, Blogger Mr 5.25 said...

#9 should be allowed this year at least. Go White Sox!

At 7:31 AM, Blogger Al said...

Got me laughing as usual. It's usually hard to say anything comprehendable. A few others.
"I dropped a pen under the coach, can ya grab it"
"This feels great, if called one of your girlfriends to help you, it would feel better"
"Did your sister teach you how to do this"

At 7:31 AM, Blogger Laurie said...

Try it with Altoids in your mouth sometime... tingly! ;-)

Thanks for the reminder that I need my roots done.

At 7:46 AM, Blogger theresa said...

Popeye - Ewww, worse, definitely worse!

Zoooom - Gum stick to a penis or pubes would also ruin the moment. A friend, huh?

Hot Blaze - Yeah, be gentle with the criticism.

Mr 5.25 - Still not allowed! You're not supposed to be thinking about baseball, Babe.

Al - When I was writing this, I kinda wished I could ring you up because I knew you'd have a few good ones to add.

Laurie - Thanks for the tip, and you're welcome.

At 7:52 AM, Blogger theresa said...

BTW - I've actually heard #8 and #10. The Love Goddess was not happy.

At 10:26 AM, Blogger Al said...

First off - Dude was an idiot. secondly - Dude was an idiot.

That's kinda a vounerable spot to be in and make comments like that.

At 11:18 AM, Blogger Rednaked said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 11:19 AM, Blogger Rednaked said...

If I may add...guys, don't ask me questions, even good/dirty ones while I have your cock in my mouth....all answers will resemble MMFMFMFMFMFFFFMMM

At 11:24 AM, Blogger AndyT13 said...

Um...when I read things like this I'm rendered speechless. I was certain this was just a terrible joke until Theresa said she'd heard #'s 8 & 10. What's wrong with people? Laurie: ice cubes good; altoids, notsomuch. Rednaked; those MMMF MMMF sounds FEEL really good. :-)

At 6:50 PM, Blogger theresa said...

Al - No kidding! Good thing I'm not a vindictive woman.

Rednaked - Yeah, it's pretty tough to have a conversation with your mouth full.

Andy - The fact that you reacted that way makes me happy. A couple of the other ones were anecdotes from girlfriends. Some people are unworthy of this gift.

At 8:40 AM, Blogger BiggAppleman said...

On the cunnilingus side, here's a haiku I wrote:

If you look down at me
While I go down on you
You'll see my bald spot.

At 4:47 PM, Blogger No_the_game said...


U cack me up. "It is hard to have converstation when ur mouth full"

At 9:38 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Greater frequency will take care of all these problems. But generally men everywhere are grateful.

At 12:32 PM, Blogger Opaco said...

i find it extremely interesting after last nights events that i come across this entry this morning.
and no, i did not say anything like the listed items.
i know better, i just made the yummy sounds.

At 10:19 AM, Blogger stretch td said...

Great blog! Too funny.

Other things not to say:

1. I haven't showered in weeks.

2. Stay right where you are, I need to tinkle.

3. ____ says she swallows.

4. Have you gained weight?

At 4:19 PM, Blogger Yoga Korunta said...

Strategically stated, Stretch td!


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